Uneasy

Day 3

Yesterday was a very long day.  The morning started off with broken tears and a lot of prayer.  My husband kept calling to talk things out.  He is a solver and wants to fix things.  Since there is nothing we can do to fix this situation he and I are on an emotional and mental roller coaster ride.  Emotions were all over the place.  I mainly prayed and was trying with all my might to give it to God.  Let me tell you, this is easier said than done.  I started a prayer chain and every once in a while I would hear my message notification sound go off and I would find that someone had prayed.  Those prayers one by one gave me strength.  I was watching my 2yr old grandson like I do every day and he was extra cuddly, so that helped, I had to hold it together for him.  We have three little dogs and each of them had to stay by my side making sure I was ok.  As I was checking the computer for the prayers being sent my way for our family and especially my son I got a message from J.J.  My heart leaped with Joy, but was nervous as to what it would said.  He started out with that he misses me and loves me.  I of course started to cry and continue to read.  As I read on I found what I believe the real reason for the message, this is what he wrote, “I am wondering if you can maybe go into my room and get my OBU laundry bag and my watch, that fit bit should've sent me and maybe you can meet me for lunch tomorrow and if you can bring that OBU bag and the fitbit I would appreciate it because I don`t know when I’ll be coming home.” Ouch, my heart was saddened again.  I then had a battle stew in my mind, should I take him his things, should I even go, or should I meet with him and don’t bring him anything except my love and a reminder that this is still his home and if he wants his things he would have to come home and get them himself.  As of this morning I am still unsure what I should do.  I will go and see him.  I love him too much not too.  He didn’t want me to tell anyone, but I couldn’t keep this a secret, his dad; my husband has the right to know.  Joe came home and I told him of our conversation and my poor husband was sent on yet another emotional ride of what to do.  He ended up saying, "Give him and hug from me and tell him that I love him and miss him." You see Joe is one that acts or speaks before he thinks and wears his emotions on his sleeves.  He comes across harsh, while all along hurting inside.  Yesterday after Joe had seen me cry for what seems like two days straight and after JJ had called me to say that he isn’t coming home, he called JJ back and told him, "Stop hurting your mother and that now it is between you and me."  J.J. took this as a threat and is using that as an excuse not to come home because he is claiming that my husband would hurt him.  This is not the case, he has never laid a hand on him and never will.  If anything Joe has been more lenient with J.J. than any of our other kids.  Taking a deep breath and praying as what I should do.  The biggest issue we have as the parents right now is that our son isn’t showing any remorse for the things he has done or for all the lies.  Joe says that if J.J. would show remorse then he would do anything physically possible to help him, and I would have to agree.  I can’t wait to see J.J. and to give him a big hug.  I love him so much and I miss him.  My heart hurts for him and I pray that he figures things out soon or he will miss out on starting the future he had planned with college and things.  "Oh God, please touch J.J.’s heart and open his eyes to the decisions he is making.  Let him know what’s at stake and be able to turn to You for guidance.  I know he is 18yrs old and he thinks he understands what the world has in store for him, but I pray that he will come back to You and home before the world eats him up.  Watch over him and protect him, but God I am still praying the hard prayers that You will do whatever it takes to bring him back to You.  May Your grace and mercy cover him and our home."

The Unknown First

Day 2:

My heart is very heavy this morning.  Last night was the first night that we didn’t know where our son was.  Every little sound filled my heart with hope that maybe it was our son JJ and that he had come home.  So many thoughts have crossed my mind and the what if, I should have, and self-doubt plague my soul.  Every time the phone rings my heart leaps and I pray that it is him, but when I see that it’s not another strip is ripped away from my heart.  I keep reminding myself that even if I have a glimmer of hope, it is still hope. I know that God knows where he is and is with him.  I have been having to pray some difficult prayers.  Prayers like, “That he find thrones everywhere he turns except for God, that he finds out quickly that the world is not for him, but God is, that his heart will not be at peace until he cries out to God.” This is the hardest prayer of the all, that God will do whatever it takes to bring JJ back to Him and home.  Yesterday when he called and told me that he wasn’t going to come home sheer worry came over my entire being.  He told me he would call me after he got off of work, so when it was time for him to call I held my phone waiting to hear his voice, but he never called. I finally went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I keep praying that God’s love and truth will shine through all the lies that he is believing.  It’s hard to describe how I feel.  My heart feels heavy like it is a big bag of fluid or I should I say full of the blood from my heart being ripped to pieces, and it physically hurts.  It has been rapidly beating and at times I can’t seem to take a breath.  I try not to let my thoughts run rapid.  My eyes are swollen and body is sore and tired.  The biggest struggle is not having my mind go wild in thought and I am trying not to worry.  This is extremely hard; I mean he is my only son, my heart.  Last night I found myself looking through pictures of him growing up. I kept asking myself where did I go wrong.  Thoughts like maybe this is happening because of my sins and where did I fail him. I started tearing myself apart.  I let him leave the house to go to his Aunt and uncle’s house to give him some space.  I knew deep down inside that this was him manipulating the situation so he could leave, but I let him go hoping he would be back the next day.  I wish he could see that the choices that he is making will only lead to destruction and he will be hurt.  I don’t know what to say or do.  I pray for wisdom and peace.  Everyone keeps telling me to give him to God.  How do you do that?  I feel that I have, but I still hurt for him, worry about him, and desperately miss him.  JJ please come home!! We love you!!  I love you more than life itself and would gladly give my life for yours not to be filled with pain.  Our hearts will always be connected.  Remember you once heard my heart beat from the inside and my heart sustained your life.

More Than a Tattered Heart

Day 1

My heart has been broken more times than I can count it seems and I have been through so many trials where I watched my heart completely shatter.  However there is a different and deeper pain that you feel when you watch someone you love hurt, especially when it is one of your children.  There you are watching your child’s life fall apart right before your eyes and there is nothing you can do.  They made their choice and you are left holding the pieces of your tattered heart.  I would gladly rip my heart out and give it to them so they won’t get hurt and would know just how much they are loved.  Last night as I watched my son make a decision that is so destructive I literally felt my heart break in two and then shatter.  I couldn’t catch my breath because the pain was too great and all I could do was sob in between my mournful cries.  In the midst of my heart breaking I see my husband trying to be strong and then watch him completely fold in half with gut wrenching cries as well.  My husband is a strong man and I have seen him cry before, but never like this.  As we watched our son walk out the door not knowing if this would be the last time we would ever see him, we were both crushed and destroyed.  This morning as I sit here my heart is barely beating, but as of last night it will never beat the same.  Earlier I went to his empty bedroom laid on his bed hugged his pillow and cried out to God.  I wept and pleaded for God to save him from this fate that he chose.  As our son sat on the coach last night and told us of his decision I saw that behind all the words he spoke was a broken soul, lonely and afraid.  Oh how I wanted to go and take him in my arms and take all his pain away.  Emotions were high as he told us that he was going to choose this path and that he was willing to let go of his family if that was what he had to do. As I am typing this it is hard to see.  I cannot stop crying.  How do stop a bleeding heart anyway.  My eyes are so swollen with grief.  I will never stop pleading for my son.  Even though it is hard to find the words to pray I know God hears my broken heart crying out in his behalf.  So many unknowns, to start I don’t know where is, if he is safe or if I will see him again.  Oh God, please watch over him and bring him back to You.  I need to trust You, so please give me the strength so I can do so.  All I can say is help, please dear God help!!