Morning came early. I
was hoping to sleep in because my daughter Shannon had the day off, but I laid
there not wanting to face the day. My
husband sent me a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, Something Beautiful. That blessed my heart and gave me strength to
get out of bed. I then went on Youtube
and started praising God and praying for my son. I felt peace and even had a little
smile. The song, "Ever Be", by Aaron Shust has
been playing in my mind, especially the verse, “Your praise will be ever on my
lips, ever be on my lips, I will sing praise, I will sing praise,” so I looked it up and
was singing it in my heart. A friend of
mine Wendy, my daughter, and David were planning to go see the movie Finding
Dory at 11:25am. As Shannon and I were
sitting in the front room the front door flew open and in walked J.J. Oh how my heart leaped with Joy thinking he’s
home, he’s home, he’s home, but he quickly said that he came to get his things. Rip, there went another piece of my heart. He hurried to his room and started scooping
things into his college hamper bag, grabbed his pillow and started collecting
some of his art work he was working on.
He told me he took the bus here and I wasn’t sure how he was going to take
all of his things with him. He has a replacement
Fitbit come in the mail and he kept asking for it. I had my daughter text Joe, so he knew
that J.J. was getting his things. He
called and asked to talk to our son. Joe
talked to J.J., I wish I could have heard what he said to him. I heard bits and pieces though. He had his laundry bag packed and again asked
for his Fitbit, so I gave it to him. He
was in such a hurry. David kept trying
to get his attention, he was so excited to see his Uncle J.J. As J.J. was finishing getting his things
my husband called and told me not to let him take anything and I said, “What
good would that do?” J.J for some reason
took his blanket out of the bag and put it back on his bed. He ended up leaving his
drawings, then he walked out the door. I
followed him out and told him that he didn’t need to go. He kept saying he would be back but not right
now. I don’t know if he meant it or was
saying that to ease my heart. He gave me
another big tight hug and then started to walk away. David who is two ran after
him calling J.J. J.J. stopped and looked
down at him and David looked up staring at his uncle. Shannon came and got David and away J.J. went. I wanted to chase after him, but I knew I
couldn’t do anything to make him stay.
With gut wrenching sobs I came inside and just fell on the coach. You could tell Shannon was hurting and so was
little David. I know he feels the
tension and he misses his uncle. It
was time to go to the movie. I had to
get out of the house because the walls felt like they were closing in. We went to the
movie which helped, but J.J. was still on my heart. The movie was over and we came home. My husband came home early and I heard the
door and heard a man’s voice so I came running from the kitchen thinking it was J.J.
and he had come home, but it wasn’t him.
Joe asked me why I came running to the door and I just fell into his
arms and we both cried. The rest of the
day I have been battling hard and kept having panic attacks, thoughts of what
if’s and I should have started plaguing my mind again. I haven’t cooked dinner at all this week, so
I started beating myself up saying that I was a bad mom. The walls kept closing in on me, so I ended
up going to Wendy’s to get dinner thinking the ride would help, but all along I
kept thinking that I wouldn’t be buying J.J. dinner so what was he going to
eat, and then my mind started going down memory lane. My heart grew heavier and heavier and I found
myself in a complete panic. Joe and everyone
else went to bed early so I sat in the front room trying to calm myself down,
but it didn’t work. I took a hot shower,
but that didn’t help either. I found
myself rocking back and forth singing, “Your praise will forever be on my lips….”
Over and over. I felt so alone and felt as God had abandoned me. I felt like I was being punished for all the
bad decisions I had made. I was becoming
desperate and even thoughts about going to the hospital came to my mind. I grabbed my cell phone
and posted that I was having a break down on the praying group I am in and that
I needed prayer for peace for myself and J.J. to feel God’s presence. Not even a minute went by where people
responded and as I sat there and watched prayers come my way the panic eased
and I felt better. I decided to come and
write down my thoughts, so I could get them out. Someone from the group messaged me and
encouraged me. I guess my daughter Shannon was
having a hard time sleeping too, because she sent me a video that made me smile
a little. My heart is still heavy and my
eyes are swollen, but I know that my son and I are being held up in prayer. “God
I know You can hear my every cry and I know Your there. Please let me feel your presence and calm my
heart. I pray that You meet J.J. right
where he is and that he will feel Your presence also. I pray that You break down his pride and fill
his head with Your truth and replace the lies that the world is telling
him. God show Him the way back. God I really don’t know what to pray. My mind feels like it is in a fog and my entire
body feels heavy, God give my heart and body rest.
Be with all those who love J.J. that their hearts will be comforted too. Be with little David and calm his heart. God guide me and my husband on what we should
do and give us the strength to do so.
Bring people in my son’s life to speak Your truth to him and take him
away from those who fill his head full of lies.
God bring him back to You and quickly.
Thank you God for the prayers of many, watch over them and theirs as well. Be with my girls who are away and prepare
their hearts so when they come home to find their brother no longer here that
they will be comforted. God I pray for
Your prefect will and to find peace in my heart.”
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