Missing My Brother

 

A few years ago my younger brother Matthew passed away and when he died I was so angry.  Out of my anger I turned off all music.  I’m not sure how long it was off, but I am thinking about a month or so.  I didn’t want to feel and to honest I really didn’t want to praise God at that moment.  It wasn’t until one morning I was driving my kids to school and they begged me to turn the radio on and to turn it to Klove. Reluctantly I turned it on.  The song Amazing Grace my Chains are Gone, by Chris Tomlin was playing.   This was the song that my kids and a friend of mine sang at Matthew’s funeral.  This hit me hard and of course the tears started flowing. My kids begged me to keep it on so I did.  Something happened to my heart when that song played.  It was softened and healing started to take place.  I felt God presence and His love overflow.  I dropped the kids off at school and on my drive home I turned the radio up and sang at the top of my lungs praising God.  It was hard to keep my hands on the wheel.  All I wanted to do was raise my hands up to God and praise Him with my all.  I don’t remember the other songs that played I just remember seeing a few people glance my way I guess to see what the crazy lady was doing, but I didn’t care.  The entire world faded away and before I knew it I was home.  I stayed in my van sitting in the driveway for who knows how long singing my heart out to God.  I finally went in the house and my heart was filled with peace and joy.  I hadn’t felt that for weeks. This August will be 4yrs since I lost my friend, my little brother. My heart is still sad because I miss him more than words can say, but I still have peace and joy in my heart.  I don’t think there will ever be a day where my heart will ever stop missing him and that I wish he was still here.  I don’t think anyone ever really gets over the loss of a loved one they just learn to live their life without them.  The tears have slowed but they are still there and at times seem brand new. For the rest of my life I will have a hole in my heart and will never be the same, but I am so thankful that I was blessed to have Matthew as my younger brother.  I will carry him in my heart and live my life in a way that would make him proud.  I know that he wouldn’t want me to dwell on his loss but live a life that would honor God.  He was one of the most giving person that I knew.  He truly cared for others more than himself.  He believed in always passing it forward and making everyone he met a little bit better off than they were before.  He changed lives for the better.  He is truly missed and always loved.