Worry

For the first time in a while I have been able to just sit here.  I have so many things to do and each and every one of those things I am at a loss on how I am going to get them done.  My thoughts have been on hyper drive trying to figure out a plan of attack.  It is the first of the month, which means time to pay bills.  This month however, we will be $2000 short of what we have had to work with.  My husband lost his job last month. He did find a new one, but it is for $2000 less than what he was making and no health insurance.  I am a newer realtor and I have been having a difficult time promoting myself for business.  I do have a condo in an elderly community for sales but there hasn’t been much interest.  I am at a loss, should I find a job that has a regular pay schedule with benefits or stay with what I have now?  Being a realtor is a lot of work but as a mom it has been prefect for my family.  My schedule is flexible for the most part and I have had plenty of time to be a mom and a wife.  My income was just to help with the extras and never intended to be the main source of income.  Joe and I agreed that I would be a stay home mom.  My kids are all in school full time and being a real estate agent has been nice to break up the day from the routine and help financially here and there.  What a toss-up being able to be the mom I need to be and be available for my family or go to work full time to substitute what Joe made and health insurance. Either way there is a loss.

There has been so many changes last year and so many challenges that have carried over to this year, and many more added to it.  To be honest I am feeling a bit over whelmed. I am having a hard time getting any footing.  At the moment I feel a little numb.  It is like my mind just shut off or I blew a gasket by thinking too much.  Just last weekend I had an amazing time at a Christian retreat that I was asked to lead and I never felt God’s spirit so strong like I did there.  Since the retreat I have had a number of battles that I am facing, like health, family, and financial hardship. 

I know the obvious is to turn to God for answers.  I have prayed and I have asked God for His help.  However, as I sit here I can’t see a way out.  I know He sees the big picture and He will provide, I just wish I knew how.

Sarah my youngest had to see a heart specialist and now has to wear a heart monitor for 30 days.  They think that the electrical communication in her heart is off and that is why she has been having pain.  To be honest I don’t know how we are going to pay for all of this now that we have no health insurance, but I know it will all work out.  I am praying that God just heals her heart, that she won’t have any more problems, and that she won’t have to have surgery.  I am also praying for provision.

It has been one thing after another and to honest I am worn out.  I am trying to lean on God but my mind still fills full of worry about the future and the now.  I am praying that God gives me peace and for me to be able to trust Him completely.  Oh God please hear my prayers.

On the positive, after ten years of going back and forth with the idea to publish the daily devotional book I have been writing I have decided to move forward with it.  There has been an open door so we will see.  I know in my heart that God has a plan for my life.  I believe it does consist of publishing my book and going around giving my testimony to those who will listen.  I have no clue how I am going to do that, but I feel very strongly in my heart is that is what God wants from me.  For those of you who know me speaking terrifies me, but when I speak God shows up in the words He has me say. When I am done speaking I get such a rush.  All I want is for those who hear me speak that they will hear a message for them from God.

I know I am rabbling, but that is what is going through my mind.  I have such a desire in my heart to pursue God’s will for my life, but I have no idea how.  Besides what about my family and our finances?  How are we going to survive? 

I guess the only thing to do is trust in God; He knows.  I just wish I did.  I guess if I knew everything I wouldn’t need God and oh how I need Him right now.  I will continue to pray and seek God’s will.          

“Dear Father, things look a little bleak right now and I really don’t see a way out.  There is so many things that are over my head at the moment and I have no clue on what I should do.  Please dear Heavenly Father please show me the way.  Set my path straight and lead me in the way I should go.  I so desire to do your will and live my life in which You intended me to, but I am at a loss.  Please provide for my family God and bless our home with good health, peace, and financial blessings. Please watch over my family and my children’s hearts.  I pray that I can give all control over to You and for Your will to be done and not mine.  God I am finding myself in a desperate place and I need You.  Please give my heart comfort and peace like only You can.  Thank you for everything You have placed in my life good and bad, for I know that You have a plan and You will turn my ashes into something so beautiful.  Give me Your eyes so I can see the light and place my feet firmly on the ground so I can stand strong for you.  Thank you again for Your love and staying true to Your promise that You will never leave me or forsake me.”