Lightning but no Thunder

The other day we were driving home and in the distance, we saw a lightning storm but heard no noise.  The song, “Same Power” by Jeremy Camp, was playing on the radio, and I felt empowered and like I had the strength to fight an army.  The words spoke to my heart, and I started calling on the power that lives in my son and me; the power of Jesus in us.  I prayed for my son J.J. like I never had before.  I prayed that the power that lives in him would trample the lies and destroy all the strongholds in his heart.  This morning as I sit here in the waiting room for my mother-in-law God spoke to my heart again.  The fact that I couldn't hear the thunder and just saw the awesomeness of the lightening storm reminded me of the verses found in

1 Peter 5:8-11 (NIV)

8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power forever and ever. Amen.

Yes, we are fighting a battle in this world, and the devil wants to destroy us, but all he can do is prowl like a roaring lion.  I remember a zoo visit many years ago, where I saw this power lion behind a thick glass enclosure and his roars muffled.  God is our protection and shield from all that tries to harm us.

When I saw the lightning storm I was in awe.  Usually, I get nervous during a storm because of the loud thunder, but there wasn’t any sound this time.  All I saw was the beauty and the power.  As we drove, I watched the night sky lite up.  The lightning bolts were constant and numerous.  What a spectacular sight.  I pictured my son and his heart as I looked at the storm brew.  I know that he is having a battle going on in his heart, and I was praying for the power of God that lives in Him to take control; and for him to let it.  Like verse ten says, “ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”  I know that God will restore J.J. and make him strong, firm, and steadfast.  As I wait for that day, I will continue to battle in prayer for him and put my trust in God and let his power in me give me peace.

Where's God

Day 5

Morning came early.  I was hoping to sleep in because my daughter Shannon had the day off, but I laid there not wanting to face the day.  My husband sent me a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, Something Beautiful.  That blessed my heart and gave me strength to get out of bed.  I then went on Youtube and started praising God and praying for my son.  I felt peace and even had a little smile.  The song, "Ever Be", by Aaron Shust has been playing in my mind, especially the verse, “Your praise will be ever on my lips, ever be on my lips, I will sing praise, I will sing praise,” so I looked it up and was singing it in my heart.  A friend of mine Wendy, my daughter, and David were planning to go see the movie Finding Dory at 11:25am.  As Shannon and I were sitting in the front room the front door flew open and in walked J.J.  Oh how my heart leaped with Joy thinking he’s home, he’s home, he’s home, but he quickly said that he came to get his things.  Rip, there went another piece of my heart.  He hurried to his room and started scooping things into his college hamper bag, grabbed his pillow and started collecting some of his art work he was working on.  He told me he took the bus here and I wasn’t sure how he was going to take all of his things with him.  He has a replacement Fitbit come in the mail and he kept asking for it.  I had my daughter text Joe, so he knew that J.J. was getting his things.  He called and asked to talk to our son.  Joe talked to J.J., I wish I could have heard what he said to him.  I heard bits and pieces though.  He had his laundry bag packed and again asked for his Fitbit, so I gave it to him.  He was in such a hurry.  David kept trying to get his attention, he was so excited to see his Uncle J.J.  As J.J. was finishing getting his things my husband called and told me not to let him take anything and I said, “What good would that do?”  J.J for some reason took his blanket out of the bag and put it back on his bed. He ended up leaving his drawings, then he walked out the door.  I followed him out and told him that he didn’t need to go.  He kept saying he would be back but not right now.  I don’t know if he meant it or was saying that to ease my heart.  He gave me another big tight hug and then started to walk away. David who is two ran after him calling J.J.  J.J. stopped and looked down at him and David looked up staring at his uncle.  Shannon came and got David and away J.J. went.  I wanted to chase after him, but I knew I couldn’t do anything to make him stay.  With gut wrenching sobs I came inside and just fell on the coach.  You could tell Shannon was hurting and so was little David.  I know he feels the tension and  he misses his uncle.  It was time to go to the movie.  I had to get out of the house because the walls felt like they were closing in.  We went to the movie which helped, but J.J. was still on my heart.  The movie was over and we came home.  My husband came home early and I heard the door and heard a man’s voice so I came running from the kitchen thinking it was J.J. and he had come home, but it wasn’t him.  Joe asked me why I came running to the door and I just fell into his arms and we both cried.  The rest of the day I have been battling hard and kept having panic attacks, thoughts of what if’s and I should have started plaguing my mind again.  I haven’t cooked dinner at all this week, so I started beating myself up saying that I was a bad mom.  The walls kept closing in on me, so I ended up going to Wendy’s to get dinner thinking the ride would help, but all along I kept thinking that I wouldn’t be buying J.J. dinner so what was he going to eat, and then my mind started going down memory lane.  My heart grew heavier and heavier and I found myself in a complete panic.  Joe and everyone else went to bed early so I sat in the front room trying to calm myself down, but it didn’t work.  I took a hot shower, but that didn’t help either.  I found myself rocking back and forth singing, “Your praise will forever be on my lips….” Over and over. I felt so alone and felt as God had abandoned me.  I felt like I was being punished for all the bad decisions I had made.  I was becoming desperate and even thoughts about going to the hospital came to my mind. I grabbed my cell phone and posted that I was having a break down on the praying group I am in and that I needed prayer for peace for myself and J.J. to feel God’s presence.  Not even a minute went by where people responded and as I sat there and watched prayers come my way the panic eased and I felt better.  I decided to come and write down my thoughts, so I could get them out.  Someone from the group messaged me and encouraged me.  I guess my daughter Shannon was having a hard time sleeping too, because she sent me a video that made me smile a little.  My heart is still heavy and my eyes are swollen, but I know that my son and I are being held up in prayer. “God I know You can hear my every cry and I know Your there.  Please let me feel your presence and calm my heart.  I pray that You meet J.J. right where he is and that he will feel Your presence also.  I pray that You break down his pride and fill his head with Your truth and replace the lies that the world is telling him.  God show Him the way back.  God I really don’t know what to pray.  My mind feels like it is in a fog and my entire body feels heavy, God give my heart and body rest.  Be with all those who love J.J. that their hearts will be comforted too.  Be with little David and calm his heart.  God guide me and my husband on what we should do and give us the strength to do so.  Bring people in my son’s life to speak Your truth to him and take him away from those who fill his head full of lies.  God bring him back to You and quickly.  Thank you God for the prayers of many, watch over them and theirs as well.  Be with my girls who are away and prepare their hearts so when they come home to find their brother no longer here that they will be comforted.  God I pray for Your prefect will and to find peace in my heart.”

Hope and Heart Break

Day 4

When I woke up on Thursday my heart was troubled as if I should go and see my son.  I battled back and forth and with each tug one way or the other my barely beating heart ripped even more; I didn’t think there was anything left.  I posted the question on a prayer page that I am apart of and got many responses and a phone call from the lady who created the page for her son who is now recovered.  She encouraged me and I made the decision not to see him, not because I didn’t want to but because I felt that he was using me to bring him his things.  I messaged him on Facebook that I loved him but couldn’t meet him.  My husband Joe called and told me to go so I could gage where he was, so I gladly agreed.  I watch my grandson David during the day so I had to take him with me.  My son J.J. gave me an address and I thought it was to the home he was staying, but no it was to a Starbucks :( I went and met him and gave him a big hug.  It was good to see him.  We sat down and I felt the room full of strangers close in on me.  I felt that all eyes were staring at us.  I couldn’t hold my tears in.  I told him that I didn’t bring his things and that he has a home and his things would be there if he came home or came and got them himself. He was a little upset and told me it would have been easier for him if I brought them.  Sure it would be easier for him, but not me.  I told him that I couldn’t help him leave.  We talked and it was uncomfortable.  I felt myself starting to have a panic attack. People were noticing that I was crying and I know the guy with his back turned to us sitting beside us was intently listening.  I shared my heart with him and asked him if this is what he truly wanted to do and was still willing to give up everything to pursue his choice, and sadly he said yes.  He kept saying he would be home, but not yet.  He kept saying he didn’t feel comfortable there anymore.  I believe he isn’t comfortable anymore because he was caught in a lie and didn’t want to live by our rules anymore and is filled with shame. I told him again and again that his dad and I loved him, but we don’t and will never support what he is doing.  David was getting fussy so I suggested that we take a walk and get something to eat, so we did.  We walked a couple of shops down and ate at a burger place.  We sat outside this time.  We talked more and he kept saying that he didn’t want to come home because he said my husband threaten him.  I told him to stop it and he knew that wasn’t true.  I told him how heartbroken his dad is and how much he has cried and misses him. When I was telling him those things J.J. teared up.  My heart was absolutely breaking.  There was a lot of awkward silence and you can tell neither one us was comfortable.  He kept asking me what time it was and how he hoped we would have been able to sit and talk like we did just a few days before.  It is crazy how things can change in such a short amount of time.  David was getting fussy again and I didn’t know what else to say, but I didn’t want to leave because I didn’t want to say goodbye.  I knew I had to so I got up, he walked me to the sidewalk and he hugged me tight and I him.  We told each other that I love you.  He kept hugging me and wouldn’t let go, but he finally did and at that moment it felt like he took my heart with him.  Oh how it hurt to walk away.  I pushed David in his stroller to the car weeping the whole time.  I sat in my car crying and praying.  When I was able to wipe my eyes enough to start the lonely journey home I started to pull out and out of the corner of my eyes I saw J.J. sitting outside of the Starbucks watching me.  He looked so sad and I just wanted to grab him and take him home, but I couldn’t so I kept on going.  I had to pull it together because I had my precious grandson in the car who kept asking, "where J.J. go."  You can tell his little heart was hurting as well.  He and J.J. are buddies.  He has already been missing my two youngest daughters Sydney who is 14 and Sarah who is 11.  They are in Springfield Missouri visiting their oldest sister Stephanie.  I made it home and Joe my son-in-law was home and put little David to bed.  I called my husband Joe and told him how it went.  I know he was hoping that J.J. wanted to come home.  I keep thinking that I should have just told him to come home and made him, but I know I couldn’t have.  This is my baby boy, my only son, my heart and he is gone.  I will no longer get to see him every day.  In about a month we were supposed to drop him off at college and say see you later, but no that’s not how it happened, he left on his own and I have no clue where he is.  The evening and night was hard.  I kept fighting thoughts of despair and was praying with my every breath.  My eyes were so swollen from crying that I took some allergy medicine in hopes it would help.  My husband and I couldn’t sleep so there we were lying in bed talking everything through.  Joe said a prayer and we eventually fell asleep.  I didn’t sleep well, our bedroom is right next to his so every little sound I would wake up hoping it was him, but it wasn’t.  "God still holding to hope.  Please give J.J. a spiritual hug for me and remind him that he is loved."

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Uneasy

Day 3

Yesterday was a very long day.  The morning started off with broken tears and a lot of prayer.  My husband kept calling to talk things out.  He is a solver and wants to fix things.  Since there is nothing we can do to fix this situation he and I are on an emotional and mental roller coaster ride.  Emotions were all over the place.  I mainly prayed and was trying with all my might to give it to God.  Let me tell you, this is easier said than done.  I started a prayer chain and every once in a while I would hear my message notification sound go off and I would find that someone had prayed.  Those prayers one by one gave me strength.  I was watching my 2yr old grandson like I do every day and he was extra cuddly, so that helped, I had to hold it together for him.  We have three little dogs and each of them had to stay by my side making sure I was ok.  As I was checking the computer for the prayers being sent my way for our family and especially my son I got a message from J.J.  My heart leaped with Joy, but was nervous as to what it would said.  He started out with that he misses me and loves me.  I of course started to cry and continue to read.  As I read on I found what I believe the real reason for the message, this is what he wrote, “I am wondering if you can maybe go into my room and get my OBU laundry bag and my watch, that fit bit should've sent me and maybe you can meet me for lunch tomorrow and if you can bring that OBU bag and the fitbit I would appreciate it because I don`t know when I’ll be coming home.” Ouch, my heart was saddened again.  I then had a battle stew in my mind, should I take him his things, should I even go, or should I meet with him and don’t bring him anything except my love and a reminder that this is still his home and if he wants his things he would have to come home and get them himself.  As of this morning I am still unsure what I should do.  I will go and see him.  I love him too much not too.  He didn’t want me to tell anyone, but I couldn’t keep this a secret, his dad; my husband has the right to know.  Joe came home and I told him of our conversation and my poor husband was sent on yet another emotional ride of what to do.  He ended up saying, "Give him and hug from me and tell him that I love him and miss him." You see Joe is one that acts or speaks before he thinks and wears his emotions on his sleeves.  He comes across harsh, while all along hurting inside.  Yesterday after Joe had seen me cry for what seems like two days straight and after JJ had called me to say that he isn’t coming home, he called JJ back and told him, "Stop hurting your mother and that now it is between you and me."  J.J. took this as a threat and is using that as an excuse not to come home because he is claiming that my husband would hurt him.  This is not the case, he has never laid a hand on him and never will.  If anything Joe has been more lenient with J.J. than any of our other kids.  Taking a deep breath and praying as what I should do.  The biggest issue we have as the parents right now is that our son isn’t showing any remorse for the things he has done or for all the lies.  Joe says that if J.J. would show remorse then he would do anything physically possible to help him, and I would have to agree.  I can’t wait to see J.J. and to give him a big hug.  I love him so much and I miss him.  My heart hurts for him and I pray that he figures things out soon or he will miss out on starting the future he had planned with college and things.  "Oh God, please touch J.J.’s heart and open his eyes to the decisions he is making.  Let him know what’s at stake and be able to turn to You for guidance.  I know he is 18yrs old and he thinks he understands what the world has in store for him, but I pray that he will come back to You and home before the world eats him up.  Watch over him and protect him, but God I am still praying the hard prayers that You will do whatever it takes to bring him back to You.  May Your grace and mercy cover him and our home."

The Unknown First

Day 2:

My heart is very heavy this morning.  Last night was the first night that we didn’t know where our son was.  Every little sound filled my heart with hope that maybe it was our son JJ and that he had come home.  So many thoughts have crossed my mind and the what if, I should have, and self-doubt plague my soul.  Every time the phone rings my heart leaps and I pray that it is him, but when I see that it’s not another strip is ripped away from my heart.  I keep reminding myself that even if I have a glimmer of hope, it is still hope. I know that God knows where he is and is with him.  I have been having to pray some difficult prayers.  Prayers like, “That he find thrones everywhere he turns except for God, that he finds out quickly that the world is not for him, but God is, that his heart will not be at peace until he cries out to God.” This is the hardest prayer of the all, that God will do whatever it takes to bring JJ back to Him and home.  Yesterday when he called and told me that he wasn’t going to come home sheer worry came over my entire being.  He told me he would call me after he got off of work, so when it was time for him to call I held my phone waiting to hear his voice, but he never called. I finally went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I keep praying that God’s love and truth will shine through all the lies that he is believing.  It’s hard to describe how I feel.  My heart feels heavy like it is a big bag of fluid or I should I say full of the blood from my heart being ripped to pieces, and it physically hurts.  It has been rapidly beating and at times I can’t seem to take a breath.  I try not to let my thoughts run rapid.  My eyes are swollen and body is sore and tired.  The biggest struggle is not having my mind go wild in thought and I am trying not to worry.  This is extremely hard; I mean he is my only son, my heart.  Last night I found myself looking through pictures of him growing up. I kept asking myself where did I go wrong.  Thoughts like maybe this is happening because of my sins and where did I fail him. I started tearing myself apart.  I let him leave the house to go to his Aunt and uncle’s house to give him some space.  I knew deep down inside that this was him manipulating the situation so he could leave, but I let him go hoping he would be back the next day.  I wish he could see that the choices that he is making will only lead to destruction and he will be hurt.  I don’t know what to say or do.  I pray for wisdom and peace.  Everyone keeps telling me to give him to God.  How do you do that?  I feel that I have, but I still hurt for him, worry about him, and desperately miss him.  JJ please come home!! We love you!!  I love you more than life itself and would gladly give my life for yours not to be filled with pain.  Our hearts will always be connected.  Remember you once heard my heart beat from the inside and my heart sustained your life.

More Than a Tattered Heart

Day 1

My heart has been broken more times than I can count it seems and I have been through so many trials where I watched my heart completely shatter.  However there is a different and deeper pain that you feel when you watch someone you love hurt, especially when it is one of your children.  There you are watching your child’s life fall apart right before your eyes and there is nothing you can do.  They made their choice and you are left holding the pieces of your tattered heart.  I would gladly rip my heart out and give it to them so they won’t get hurt and would know just how much they are loved.  Last night as I watched my son make a decision that is so destructive I literally felt my heart break in two and then shatter.  I couldn’t catch my breath because the pain was too great and all I could do was sob in between my mournful cries.  In the midst of my heart breaking I see my husband trying to be strong and then watch him completely fold in half with gut wrenching cries as well.  My husband is a strong man and I have seen him cry before, but never like this.  As we watched our son walk out the door not knowing if this would be the last time we would ever see him, we were both crushed and destroyed.  This morning as I sit here my heart is barely beating, but as of last night it will never beat the same.  Earlier I went to his empty bedroom laid on his bed hugged his pillow and cried out to God.  I wept and pleaded for God to save him from this fate that he chose.  As our son sat on the coach last night and told us of his decision I saw that behind all the words he spoke was a broken soul, lonely and afraid.  Oh how I wanted to go and take him in my arms and take all his pain away.  Emotions were high as he told us that he was going to choose this path and that he was willing to let go of his family if that was what he had to do. As I am typing this it is hard to see.  I cannot stop crying.  How do stop a bleeding heart anyway.  My eyes are so swollen with grief.  I will never stop pleading for my son.  Even though it is hard to find the words to pray I know God hears my broken heart crying out in his behalf.  So many unknowns, to start I don’t know where is, if he is safe or if I will see him again.  Oh God, please watch over him and bring him back to You.  I need to trust You, so please give me the strength so I can do so.  All I can say is help, please dear God help!!   

Telling my Heart to Beat Again

Lately my heart has been a little sad and life has been overwhelming at times.  There have been many changes and disappointments, and to be honest it has felt like I have been being beaten to a bloody pulp.  Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I have been trying to gather all the broken pieces of my heart and glue them back together with temporary fixes.  Of course none of these temporary fixes hold and things fall apart again, but this time those pieces are covered with more build up making those pieces more difficult to put together.  I am trying to get rid of the excess by forgiving those who have hurt me, make amends with those I have hurt, and to forgive myself.  Honestly, I tend to secretly hold onto things and it is difficult for me to let go.  I also tend to bottle things up allowing my heart to harden a bit and I try to shut it off so the pains I feel in my heart doesn’t hurt as much.  The problem is after doing this for a while I feel like I am just a shell without a heartbeat.  There is this song played on many Christian music stations sung by Danny, Gokey. “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again.” 

The lyrics are:

You're shattered

Like you've never been before

The life you knew

In a thousand pieces on the floor

And words fall short in times like these

When this world drives you to your knees

You think you're never gonna get back

To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning

Just let that word wash over you

It's alright now

Love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one

Leave the darkness, feel the sun

Cause your story's far from over

And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak

And every scar

Be a picture that reminds you

Who has carried you this far

'Cause love sees farther than you ever could

In this moment heaven's working

Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Your heart to beat again

Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

Every time I hear it played it is like a defibrillator jump starting my heart.  I have had to be resuscitated before and it hurts, but you have to choose to keep living.  This morning when I was getting the kids ready for school and myself ready for the day I was feeling down and had a lot of doubts going through my mind.  I was feeling defeated.  When I looked down I saw a beaded necklace laying on the floor in the shape of a heart just coming out of the shadows in the morning light.

God is good.  He and I have a love language of our own.  I love hearts and it seems like when I am down and need some encouragement, strength, a hug, smile…… God knows exactly what I need at the time and sends me a heart.  This morning the heart came in the form of a broken beaded necklace coming out of the shadows.  I know that it sounds silly, but every time I find a heart I am reminded of God’s love for me.  To think that He knows the prefect time to send a little hug that warms my heart.

When I got in the car to take my two youngest to school the first song on the radio was, Tell Your Heart to Beat again.  Ok God, I get it, I need to start living again and allow my heart to beat again, to feel and to love freely.  I need to let go of all the things steeling the beats of my heart and start filling my heart with those things that allow my heart to beat freely.  I need to let go of the pain, the resentment, the fear, the doubt, anger, worries…..the list goes on and on.  I need to forgive not only those who hurt me but myself.  I need to turn away from those things that steal my life and joy.  I need to stand up for what is right and gives life.  Most of all I need to give my heart to God with all the broken and tattered pieces, along with all the excess build up from me trying to fix it myself.  God is the great physician however, we have to let Him have our heart so he can heal it and we have to choose to tell our hearts to be again.

“Thank you God, for never giving up on me, for always reminding me that You love me, and always giving me what I need to make it through whatever life throws my way.  Thank you for taking all the broken pieces of my heart and life and for putting them back together.  I love you with my all and thank you for every single beat of my heart.”

Coffee Blessing

 

     This morning my son JJ texted me and asked if I would pick up Starbucks on my way home since he didn’t have school today, so I did.  As I pulled up to the window to pay a beautiful young lady with the biggest smile on her and she said that the person ahead of me paid for me.  I of course was pleasantly surprised.  I decided to pay it forward as well and pay for the people behind me.  I drove away and a wave of emotions hit me.  It was like an emotional release.  Everything that I have been keeping bottled up inside all came to the surface and I started to cry.  It wasn’t little tears, but a full out sob.  Life has hit me hard lately and I have been trying to be the strong one trying to fix everything by myself.  So many changes going on in my life, health issues, my parents, my children, work, financial hardship, our van seems to be on its last leg (wheel), our house and the sewer backup, disappointments……. You name it, all came pouring out.  God knew exactly what I needed and gave it to me through a kind person paying for my Starbucks this morning.  The thought that came to my mind was, “Someone noticed me and someone cared.”  I am usually the one trying to notice others, but someone noticed me and did a simple and kind gesture that made a world of difference.  At that moment I felt like I mattered.  God once again reminded me that He hears, He sees, He listens, He knows, He cares, and most of all He loves.  Whoever this person is that paid for my coffee this morning, thank you.

“Thank you God for once again showing me that I matter and that you love me.  My burdens are heavy, but Yours is light.  Please forgive me for not trusting You enough to let You have all my burdens and for me trying to handle everything by myself.  You have always provided and always will.  Dear God, I can’t tell you how much I love and appreciate all that you do for me and my family.  Right now I am in the midst of the trials and I may not see an end, but You do.  You see the big picture and as You had me tell a friend, there is blessings in the darkness; we just may not see them.”

Hello 2016

Hello 2016

     Yesterday, I ran to the store to get a few things and there were so many people doing the same thing. As I was checking out I was lucky to get one of my favorite checkers. She has gone through so much, but always has a smile on her face and never a negative thing to say. In line we started talking about the year we had and how quickly it seemed to go by. A couple months prior I had bought a gift card to give to her. For my anniversary someone gave me a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory and I enjoyed it, so I thought I would pay it forward to someone else. I didn’t know that she had just lost someone very close to her and they were going to go to his funeral later and afterwards they were planning to go out for some dessert. I handed her the gift card and she was very thankful. I didn’t realize it until after she walked away and my daughter Sarah said, “Mom that’s funny, we gave her a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory and she was buying cheesecake,”
    
     Anyway, back to standing in line talking to her. She shared how she had lost both her dad and her Uncle to various causes, and lost three teenagers in the family due to suicide. She said that you have to love yourself and I said that I was so sorry for such loss. I also said that suicide just gives your pain to someone else and she just kept saying, so true. This broke my heart and I told her that I would pray for healing for her family. We talked a bit more as she finished checking my groceries, but she had a line of people to check out, so we said our goodbyes.


     Today is the first year of 2016 and a chance to start new. True, but in some ways this isn’t the case. Though the circumstances we may not have any control of; however, we can control our outlook. Every year I find a word that I want to represent what I want to do or change in the coming year instead of a New Year’s Resolution. I have not found my word yet, but have several that I have been throwing around. I want my word to represent change, action, and my attitude. I also want the word to represent solid results and no more sitting on the sidelines just hoping for things to be accomplished. Most of all I want to be a testimony of God’s love to others. I want to be the change. Maybe, my word should be change?


     This coming year will be full of change with all my children growing up. My son J.J. will be going off to college and yet again the dynamics of our home will be effected. I have been working on so many goals that I need to accomplish, so in many aspects I need things to change. I have some of my own actions I need to work on, so again I need change. I see many hurting and in need of change, so why couldn’t I be the change they are looking for? I’m not saying I can change their situation, but I can be a light of compassion to them. I want to make a difference in this world; I want to be a positive change in this not so caring world. If anything I want to be the light of Christ. Which brings me to another thing I need to change, and that is the time I spend with my Lord and Savior. He is the only one who can give me all I need to face this coming year and get over some things from this past year, and beyond.
     
     So, here I am the first day of the New Yew and I am going to step out in faith and say that if you don’t know God as your personal Savior than my prayer for you is that you will seek Him. He said that if you seek Him you shall find Him. He is my source of all hope and can be yours too.
I want to take the time to thank all of you who have in anyway shown me kindness, have prayed for me, and have challenged me. I pray that this New Year will be one of healing, success, and blessing to you all. I also want to say that if I have offended anyone or failed you in any way, I am sorry. If there is anything I can pray for you for this year, please let me know and I will add you to my prayers. May God bless you and keep you close always.

Love, Trish Iiams

Along Life's Road

 

Along life’s road there will be joy and tears.  Laughter and fear.  Along life’s road storms will come and go.  There will highs and lows.  Along life’s road I will find roses and thorns and when life seems to be so bleak He will be the one I seek.  Along life’s road I will walk many miles up steep mountains and through quite meadows so sweet.  I will cross hot desert sands and face oceans so deep and wide.  The best part is God sees me no matter where I try to hide.  The journey is long and at times the valleys seem to never end.  I will fall along the way and get hurt but it is God’s love that mends.  Along life’s road I will come to cliffs so treacherous and rivers flowing so swift that I wonder how will I ever make it to the other side.  Then God reminds me that He is my guide.  The cold winds will blow and the hot sun will beat me down.  There will be vast forest where the haunting silence is the only sound that can be found.  No matter where I go I will never have to walk alone because of the love God has shown.  It is a comfort to know that when life’s road becomes dreary I know that my God is always near me.  All I need to do is have a little faith and trust that God will give me the strength it takes.  God knows my heart and the journey I am about to embark.  God is the one who gives me a new start.  Jesus is right beside me every step I take.  Along Life’s road there will be times I feel as if I will break.  But no matter what it takes God will make a way and He is there to stay.  The nights may be long but the morning will come even if things look so glum.  I may be far from home and feel lost and alone but I will look to God’s love to find my way.  I will never forget God’s love is here to stay.  He will be found on every road, every path, and with me every step I take.  I will remember God never makes mistakes.  Along life’s road there will be lessons to learn, even when the hot winds burns as the winding roads turn.  God is there showing me the way through the cold dark nights and through the bright blinding sun of the day.  Again, I will never forget that no matter where I go I will never walk alone.  He is found on every trail and in every star that shines even if it’s faint.  He is in the thunder and lightning that lights up the landscapes He paints.  Jesus knows my joys, sees every struggle, and catches every tear that falls.  He knows my heartaches, my dreams, and is there when I call.  He is there to give me strength and to walk with me the lengths.  He will walk with me the distance even though my heart will fail.  He never grows weary and times He will have to carry me along trail. He has promised to never leave me or forsake me and He will make my pathway clear. He will lead me and guide me and I will no longer have a reason to fear.  No matter where I find myself along life’s road He is there.  He hears, He sees, He knows, He answers, and He cares.

 

Trish Iiams 2/3/2015

The Word for 2015



I made a decision a few years ago to stop making New Year’s resolutions. Every time I did I would end up falling short and would be hard on myself. I have decide instead of making a resolution I would choose a word for the year. The word would represent what I wanted to work on in my life or a way I want to live. Last year was Focus. The reason I chose “Focus” was in this chaotic world it is easy to lose focus or focus on things that just take away joy or distract one from what is really important. I wanted to focus on growing my faith and what God wants me to accomplish and not my will. The year before that was the word “Fearless.” All my life I struggled with fear. Fear of rejection, failure, stepping out in faith and doing something new….. So I decided that I was going to live fearlessly in all I did, especially in my faith. That I wasn’t going to continue to sit on the sideline watching the world go by. I can’t say that I have come to live a completely fearless life, but I have made changes to be fearless in my faith.
This year I struggled to find a word for the year. It seems like my life has been falling apart and I having been running around worrying about fixing everything. I always find myself trying to fix things on my own and find myself being consumed with worry. Worry at times become crippling and steals the joy out of my life. This past week and a half I have been out of commission with my leg hurt and I have had to depend on the help of my children and family to get things done. I have had to let go of control and trust others with task that I couldn’t do myself. For those who know me it is hard for me to accept help. I am the type that would rather do for others.
Many words came to my mind that I thought I could use for my word for the year like Trust, Faith, Truth, Joy and Finish….. After thinking about it I came up with “NO.” What I mean by “NO” is No more excuses, No more fear, No more worry, No more procrastination……. just NO.
For years I have battled with so many things and have so many things left undone. I always come up with excuses and I hate to admit it but I am always putting things off. I am tired of living a life where I feel like I am in limbo and just waiting for things to get done. I am tired of worrying about the outcome and just waiting for things to fall into place. This year is a year for action and to get things done. “NO” more waiting and “NO” more just getting by.
As well as saying “NO” more to things that bring me down or hold me back “NO” stands for standing firm to what is true, what is good and what is righteous. This world is full of lies and compromise so along with saying “NO” to better myself I will say “NO” to what goes against my core beliefs and “NO” to compromise. I will have to stand firm even if it’s not popular and say “NO” to what others think of me. Life is too short to fill it full of worry.
I know in order to accomplish my long to do list I will have to say “NO” to my excuses, fear, worry and say “NO” to the what ifs, the unknown, and let go of the what could have been. With this I have to trust and have faith. I believe in by saying “NO” I will get the joy back in my life.
With all that said I choose the word “NO.”
Resolutions are temporary but a heart changed is permanent.
May God truly bless you this year.

January 1, 2015

January 1, 2015.  The first day of 2015 a new page to another chapter in my life.  As many I too have reflected on this past year.  2014 went by so fast.  Don’t get me wrong there were moments in 2014 that seemed like they would never end.  It was a year for new experiences, new friends and yes new trials.  This past year was a heavy one it came with many ups and a lot of downs.  2014 I struggled with finding myself and coming to terms with things of the past that I could and will never be able to change.  I faced many decisions where I had to really focus on what was really important.  I failed many times but managed to win a few rounds.  I did some things that I am not so proud of and yet made accomplishments that surprised myself.  Through trial and error I have come to know myself better and to come to know of a God that is just, yet so loving and patient.  My entire life I have lived in the shadows of who God wants me to be.  I have been so afraid to take chances and to give up control.  The silly thing is I never really had control any way.  I know that January 1, 2015 is just another day and a beginning of a new year.  Last night was a night to reflect and to celebrate but today is a new beginning, a new chance to make good, and a chance to let go. 

As everyone else in the house are still asleep and the house is silent.  All I can hear is the ticking of the clock in the background and the hum of the refrigerator.  It is amazing where your mind can go when it is silent and there are no distractions.  Though I am tired I feel encouraged.  I made it through another year and have another chance to make a difference.  Yesterday I was a bit down and my heart hurt for those who were hurting.  Also I was feeling inadequate and was questioning if I had made a difference in anyone’s life.  Today I am wondering how to move forward with this New Year.  I already know that there are some difficult decisions just around the corner and big changes to our family.  I do know one thing and that is as long as I have God in my life I will be able to face whatever may come my way.  Life isn’t easy and God never said it would be but with Him it is worth it.

My greatest desire besides having everyone come to know God as their personal Savior is to be able to be a light in the dark world and make a difference. God has been calling me to action and to complete some tasks and every year I make excuses and put them off.  My word for the year is “NO” which stands for NO more excuses and NO more fear.  This is a year for action and change. As I look to this New Year I am hopeful yet combobled of how to approach it and what plan of action do I take. Regardless action and change are necessary. 

“Dear God let me be able to focus on You and be able to say “NO” to the distractions of the world and the fear of the unknown that keeps me from moving forward. Please help me let go of the “what ifs” and the “what could have been” and just trust that You know what the future holds and that You hold it.  Please let me be light in this dark world and make a difference.  Thank you for allowing me to face another year and thank You for all You have given me and done for me.  Dear Father please be with those who are hurting and comfort them.  Dear God I pray that if there is anyone that does not trust in Your name and doesn’t know You that they will be able to.  Thank You again and for all the answered and unanswered prayers.”

There is Always Hope

This morning I made two strangers cry. The first person was at Starbucks where I was to meet up with my friend Amy and Tara. I went to get in line when a man walked up in front of me. He noticed that he cut in front of me and said sorry I didn’t mean to cut and motioned for me to move forward. I replied no that’s fine go ahead. He insisted so I did. I said thank you and asked him how he was. He said “so far today was good.” You could tell that his words did not match the expression on his face. I ended up saying, “well then I guess you’re off to a good start, but I believed that his day could only get better.” He laughed and then asked me if I was on my way to work? I said well, “I’m a Realtor and I am off to find new clients, but things have been hard.” I laughed and asked him if he wanted a card and he said yes.

For some reason Starbucks was extra busy this morning so things were taking a little longer than usual. So to fill time we continued to talk. He started sharing about his life and asked me if there was any hope for him to buy a house being that he had to file bankruptcy? I of course said yes that there is always hope and shared with him the time line and things to do to rebuild his credit. At this point he had tears in his eyes. He started to tell me that he had to file bankruptcy due to medical bills for his son. His son had to have an emergency surgery to save his life, but being that it was in an out of network hospital the cost were great. I told him that I thought he was a good father and said that I would pray for him. At this point he was definitely in tears. I told him how in times of trouble we may not be able to control our circumstances but we can control our outlook. I shared my heart and he started to smile. I joked saying see the day is already looking better. By this time our drinks were ready so we would part ways. He grabbed me and gave me a big hug, said thank you and walked away smiling. About that time one of my friends showed up. My friends and I talked for a while which was just what I needed. They always have a way of making me smile.

I had to run to FedEx to fax something and as I sat down to the computer to look up something this lady sat down at the computer next to me and asked me if I do Christmas cards and I said usually I do but haven’t this year. She looked really sad and worried. She started telling me that she had to postpone her surgery until January. I told her that I was sorry she was going to have to have surgery. I asked her if she didn’t mind if she could share what she had to have surgery for and she said to get a cancerous lump out of her breast. I told her that I was sorry and how scary of a time this must be for her but I believe that she is going to be ok. I asked her name and asked if I could add her to my prayer list. Without hesitation she said yes please do and I said done. She asked me what church I went to and what affiliation I was so I told her and she smiled. She then asked me to look at her Christmas card that she designed and asked me if it looked good, so I did. I told her it was prefect. I saw she had grandbabies so I shared with her that 6 months ago my daughter Shannon had my first grandchild, my grandson David. We talked about our families and we both smiled at the thought of them. Her eyes started to fill with tears and I told her to look at me and she did. I grabbed her hand and looked her right in the eyes and told her I know it is hard but don’t let worry get the best of her and that I knew that she would make it through this healthy!! I told her that it sounds like they caught it early and that I just knew everything was going to be ok. I shared with her my Breast Cancer scares and told her that she is not alone. I than took out my business card and handed it to her. I told her that I wasn’t trying to sell her anything but I wanted her to be able to have someone to talk to if she needed to. At this point she was really crying and reached in her purse and handed me her card as well. She asked me if my email was on my card so she could send me her Christmas card. I told her it was. At this point she was done with what she had to do and got up to leave. She took a couple steps away as she was wishing me well and turned back around came over grabbed me and gave me one of the biggest hugs I have ever had. She said thank you and I told to remember that she is not alone and that there is always hope.

Everyone in this world needs hope and someone to care. It doesn’t cost anything but time to listen to someone. If you ask me it is time well spent. It seems like everywhere I turn I run into people desperate for hope. People everywhere are feeling alone. Trust me I know life can get very busy and overwhelming. But what I am seeing is hope is contagious. All it takes is just a little faith and maybe for someone just to care and listen. If you are going through a difficult time right now I want you to know that there is hope and that everything will be ok. I want to encourage you to reach out to someone, give a listening ear and give them a gift of hope. As I said it doesn’t cost anything but maybe a smile.

I am so grateful that God is my reason to have hope because I know that He has promised me that He will never leave us or forsake us. Because of the love He has for us and for the cross we all can have hope. So my prayer is that if you don’t know God as your personal Savior then please seek Him and trust me He will meet you where you are. Your life doesn’t have to be prefect, you don’t have to have everything figured out, and guess what you are never far too gone for His love. He loves you for who you are and desires to have a relationship with you. He will be there for you no matter what and can turn our ashes into something so beautiful and all you have to do is put your trust in Him. With God nothing is impossible and He is and always will be our hope.

Prejudice

I know what I am about to say will stir emotions and I’m sure there may be harsh words said back. However, I feel the need to somehow bridge a gap of understanding. The topic is on prejudice and hate crimes because of it. Please don’t get me wrong when I say this because I do not mean any disrespect of any kind. Being white I will never fully understand completely what Blacks face. Growing up I came face to face with what prejudice looks like being one of the few white kids in my neighborhood. I was teased, beat and harsh words were said to me because of the color of my skin. I am not playing victim just saying what it was like for me. I was taught to love and respect everyone regardless of race and religion. That respect was not given back by many. I grew to fear black men because of how I was treated. Over the years I have had a chance to meet black men who don’t hate and live a life of love. Their love for others replaced my fear with love for them. I have tried to teach my children that it is not the color of a person’s skin that is important but it is the character that they live by. I have made a point to live a life free from prejudice and hate. Those things are taught and we are not born with those thoughts and actions. My kids don’t see the difference in color and that makes me proud.
I have seen so many horrific acts of violence against the Blacks and this breaks my heart. Please forgive me for not speaking out on the matter and taking a stand against it. The issue is that as a white person how do you do that without coming across sounding racist, insensitive or that I know what it is like? I don’t agree with the hardships that the Blacks face and the acts of violence against them. My heart breaks and angers because of those things. There is an invisible line in the sand that separates the blacks from the whites and for the White people to take a stand without fear of coming across as being a racist. How do you cross that line and offer love and support against racism regardless where it comes from? Don’t get me wrong there are whites that are racist but I am not. Here is where the truth lies there is racism towards other races regardless the color of the skin.
Writing this I am not giving justice to where my heart is. I don’t want there to be a separation and won’t stand for hatred no matter where it comes from. I do not support it nor will I ever. I know I will never completely understand because the fact that I can’t; I don’t come from the same culture, but I know I can try. With that said I have face racism towards myself and my family. I don’t want any person to have to deal with any form of prejudice ever. If I offended someone I am sorry that was not my intent. This world needs all cultures to come together in love and understanding. Please help me fill in the gap. That gap starts with me taking a stand against racism not only for myself but for my family by teaching my children to love not hate.
Everyday especially lately I see some sort of racial comments going back and forth between the Blacks and Whites. This sickens me. Why do we continue to hate and why do we want to put blame on others. This has been going on way too long and needs to stop. I don’t want my children to face the same hatred that was shown to me and don’t want them to harbor any hate in their own hearts. My youngest and I were watching Hair Spray last night and she came to me in tears. I asked her why she was crying and she said that it was sad how people were treating each other and that she was glad that she wasn’t born then. I asked her why and she said because the black and white people didn’t get along back then and that she is happy because she can be friends with kids that are black. She then asked “mom why did people make a big deal about people being different colors, aren’t we all people?” From the mouth of my daughter Sarah “Aren’t we all people?” I told her that people didn’t understand that back then and some people still don’t understand that there is no difference today. I told her that racism is a choice and that I was proud of her for not having hate in her heart. She then asked me “why do people choose hate mom, why can’t everyone love one another because of who they are and not because of what they look like.” Let me ask the same question to everyone who chooses hate over love, why?
Parents please teach your children to love and not hate. For those who harbor hate stop it. You are not better than someone else because the color of your skin. Take pride in your heritage and respect others and theirs. This is not an issue between Black and White, this is an issue of hatred towards another person because of choice. It is time to come together in love and embrace the differences and thank one another for bringing a different culture and perspective to the world.

My Goliath

It is amazing the things you do to protect the ones you love.  I remember the year 2000 my younger brother Matthew and I decided to go dancing to bring in the New Year.  I don’t remember the name of the place I just know it had several levels and had a 70’s theme or something like that.  Anyway, we started dancing and this woman comes up and starts hanging all over my brother and flirting with him.  I notice that she kept looking in the direction of this really built guy.  He was huge. He had to be over 6ft with muscles coming out of his muscles.  Let’s just say he was very intimidating.  Well this woman obviously was trying to make him jealous.  She preceded to try to kiss my brother. My brother of course seeing what she was trying to do kept trying to push her away.  Needless to say she succeeded and before you know it this man starts charging Matthew.  He grabs my brother’s shirt and without a thought I go running up to this guy.  As I was running I jumped up leading with my elbow and hit this man across the face with my elbow and then I jump on his back hitting him and yelling for him to leave my brother alone.  At this point he starts saying “ok ok ok I will leave him alone.”  The security guards come over and pull me off this man’s back.  One of them pulls me aside and asked “didn’t you see the size of that man, he could have crushed you?”  Then the other security guard said that he didn’t even want to have to comfort him.  I quickly said that he was going to hurt my brother.  The big muscle guy’s girlfriend runs up to him and starts to take care of him, I think I might have broken his nose. The couple walk off and the big guy says “sorry I didn’t know he was your brother.”  I was proud of myself thinking that I saved my brother and that he would be happy that I did, but I was wrong.  Matthew said to me “how could you do that you’re my sister and I don’t need my sister fighting for my fights.” I guess I embarrassed him so he had to prove a point and meet up this man later and beat him up.  I kinda felt sorry for this guy, I mean it was his girlfriend who was starting all problems. Despite my brother was upset with me I learned something about myself that night and that was when it comes down to defending someone I love I would do it regardless of the obstacle.  I call this my David and Goliath story.  

My younger brother is no longer with us. In August it will be 4yrs since he passed away. As August is approaching Matthew has been on my mind a lot.  He was a fighter and fought for those who couldn’t help themselves.   In honor of my brother I want to pass it forward for the month of August.  August 18^th would have been his 38th birthday, so my gift to him I will stand strong for what I believe and take on my fears and take on my Goliath.  I have been going through the motions lately and over the weekend I decided to start living more boldly and take chances, get out of my comfort zone, and make changes.  I challenge you to do the same thing.  What has been holding you back?  What are your fears? What do you need to change?  I have realized that life is too short and I want to live a life that makes a difference for others.  I want to be a light to those who don’t know Christ as their personal Savior.  I want to encourage others and let them know that they are not alone.  It only takes one pebble thrown in a pond to make endless ripples.  I want to be that pebble and you can too.

Chase

On my way to take the kids to school I saw a plastic bag blowing across street. This bag would turn right, left, go up and down.  It looked as if it was alive with its movements.  As I was at the stop light watching this bag it occurred to me that at times I am like that bag blowing in the wind.  There are times in life that I seem to be going through the motions and feel lifeless at times.  That bag certainly didn’t have life, it was an object.  An object given life like movement by the wind. However, this bag couldn’t determine which direction to go or to even stop, all it could do was go where the wind told it to. How many times in my life do I get stuck in a routine of just doing?  How many times do I let life events determine which direction I should go and how many times do I go through a day on flight mode without much thought.  There are days where I wonder where did the day go and what did I accomplish? 

Life is too short to just go where the wind blows you or to live a life that seems lifeless.  Yesterday we said goodbye to a young man who in his 15yrs decided to make his own path, to take chances, never say I can’t, and most of all made such an impact in so many lives because he wanted to live life to the fullest despite what the world called a handicap.  Chase was a young man full of life not just an imitation of it.  Chase was in a wheel chair, but not confined to it.  During his memorial service so many people shared about his I can do it attitude.  This hit my heart hard.  As I was seeing pictures of him living life to the fullest with the biggest smile on his face something clicked or should I say inspired me. There are so many things in my life that I have put off for a number of reason, but the biggest reason is fear.  Chase seemed to have no fear or if he did he was able to put it aside and make it a catalyst to say he could. 

On the back of the program was a poem that Chase wrote that shared his heart about being in a wheelchair.  He was concerned about how other saw him and shared how it hurt when others saw him different or mistreated because of it.  He wanted to help others so that they didn’t feel left out or different.  He believed in himself and others.  My favorite sentence in his poem was “I am strong and I have pride about being in a wheelchair.”  Here I am struggling with many things that has hindered me for years and some of them for the majority of my life and I have let those thing define me and not me define those things.  I need to be more like Chase and say I take pride in what life has given me and I can do it despite what others tell me. 

As I said earlier fear has been a hindrance in my life. I have fear what others think, what I think about myself, about failure, success, and my physical limitations and so on.  All these things have stopped me from taking a chance.  I don’t want to be like that lifeless bag being tossed to and fro in the wind.  I want to live an “I can” attitude like Chase, make my own path and make more of a difference. 

I had the privilege to meet Chase at a youth camp called Falls Creek.  Every year for about 8yrs I have been to this camp with our youth group from church.  I met Chase last summer at this camp. When I first saw him he was playing around with the other youth bugging them.   He wanted to make sure he was center of attention.  As the day went on he singled out my husband Joe and got a kick out of running over his toes with his wheelchair.  My husband kept on saying stop and finally said you do that one more time I’m tacking you.  Chase of course took this as a personal challenge and ran over his toes right there and Joe tackled him to the ground.  You should have seen Chases’ eyes as Joe kept his promise.  Both of them went down to the ground laughing.  Of course everyone in the room including me couldn’t believe what just happened.  However, this was a beginning of a bond the two of them would have.  As they were on the ground they continue to wrestle a bit and laugh.  After that point they were buds and Chase knew that Joe wasn’t going to be treated any different than anyone else.

Every evening about 6,000 teens would meet for evening services that are full of praise and to hear a message about a loving God.  At the end of the evening services the teens had a chance to come up to the front to learn more about God, to renew their walk or to accept Him as their personal Savior.  The first night Chase at full speed ran down to the front. He did this again the second night and third night. Every evening as we would meet as our individual church in our cabins Chase was excited to share his decision to renew his walk with Christ.  I personally think by the third night it was so much more. I saw this young man change.  When I first met him he a little angry with life and others, but by the third night I saw peace in his heart and saw a smile of true happiness.  I believe he finally understood just how much God loved him.  The rest of the week I saw him reach out to the other students and not just to bug them but to show them love.  I have been to Falls Creek many times but had never witnessed such a heart changed as Chase’s.

Chase was looking forward to going back to Falls Creek this year so he could continue to give back.  I know that my heart and life has been forever changed by knowing Chase.  I will start living in more of a spirit of “I can” and face my fears.  Thank you Chase for caring, loving and living life to its fullest.  I know that your life truly touch so many lives and has made and will continue to make a difference.  In honor of Chase I cannot sit back and not share what I believe he would want everyone to know that that is there is a God who loves you for who you are, who can and will give you strength to do the impossible, who will never leave you or forsake you and to let you know that you are not alone and that there is hope.  I pray that if you do not know God as your personal Savior then seek Him and you will find him.  Know that He loved you so much that he died on the cross for your sins so you can be with him for all time and eternity.  If you have any question regarding this I want you to know I am here to try to answer any of them.  In this life we will have trouble but know that God has overcome the world and can help you face anything that comes your way.  I know that Chase knew this and his life certainly was proof of it.

#thatissochase

 

 

 

 

A New Chapter

Sorry I haven’t written in a while but the last couple of weeks have been a trail of perseverance and faith.  Two weeks ago I had to go to the ER and the following day I had to have minor surgery. The last few days I have been in the ER three times with my youngest daughter for serve pain.  I just started working with a new company and couldn’t be happier for the switch, but with everything going on it has been hard getting my footing.  I know I should be in bed but my mind is racing.  Tonight was my son’s choir award banquet.  As I was watching my son and the other students get there letters and awards memories flooded my mind.  Many years have gone by with my children growing up, so many activities, award banquets, graduations…. I have a daughter that graduated college and is married, another one who graduated high school, is married and expecting our first grandbaby next month. Another daughter who also graduated and is busy working and finding her way. My one and only son J.J. will be a junior next year and Sydney will be in 7th and Sarah will be in 4th. Wow, where does the time go?  They grow up way to fast.  I am so proud of all my children and for the people they are growing up to be.  I have been very blessed as a mother to have the children I do.  They have been through so much in life, but they have prospered through everything that has been thrown their way.

Here I am after being a stay home mom venturing out to make something of myself in the real estate business.  I haven’t had a chance to get going as much as I wanted too, but family has and always will come first.  As I said I am working for a new company “Your Castle Real Estate” and I am excited for this new adventure.  I couldn’t be more grateful to those whohelped get me started at Metroplex Realtors. Today was exciting and a little intimidating.  Today was my first companywide meeting andthere were about 250 other agents there. The last place I worked had just a handful of wonderful people.  As I walked in and set down the excitement grew.  I felt part of a large community all with the same goal which is to help those who want to sell their house and those who want to buy.  Everyone I have met from the president on down have been so nice and helpful.  This company truly cares about their clients and me a as a realtor.  There is still so much I have to learn, but I am glad I am in a company that gives so much support.

I want to be able to make my children proud and to be able to help give them their hearts desires, like going to college, starting their own business, traveling, and help pay for their mission trips. As I look back on my life I can see how far I have come and can see so many things I have overcome.  I shouldn’t be here today and I certainly shouldn’t be able to do the things I can after the accidents.  Even though I live in pain on a daily basis, I can move, I can walk, and I have breath.  I will take the little things as blessings and keep moving forward.

I was talking with a friend a few days ago and she wanted to hear my story.  We set and talk for a couple of hours as I told her all I can. With tears in her eyes she asked me why? I didn’t understand the question, so I asked her what she meant.  She said “why didn’t you give up?” All I could say was “why not keep on living?” I will be honest there were times I wanted to give up, but I couldn’t.  All I could do was keeping on living day by day, moment by moment.  She asked a number of other questions like how did I do it and if I could would I change anything.  The answer to how was simple.  I told her it was because God was there for me every step of the way. As far as the question “if I could change anything would I?” I told her no I wouldn’t change anything, because everything I have been through has made me the person I am today and without everything I have gone through I wouldn’t knowof a God that loves me and have the relationship with Him as I do.  At this point she is crying hard and I shared how God loves her too.  She is a believer but struggles with the idea that she is worth it. We sat there talking for a while and then I prayed with her.  The funny thing is I met her because she was interested in me helping her find a home to buy.

It is funny how God orchestrates encounters like that. I am thankful that I was able to share my heart and life with her.  To have that conversation alone was worth all the heart ache I have been through.  The things we go through in life shape the person we become.  I could have very well given up, became bitter or could have lived a life of regret.  Instead I want to embrace the hurts and the trials I have gone through and continue to go through so I can be a greater testimony of a God that is alive and who loves us so.  In this life we have choices and I choose to live and find joy in life’s heartaches in order to help others in their time of need.

Journey to Motherhood

Twenty three years ago I looked down and held my first child for the first time.  When I was little I wanted to grow up to be a mom.  I would pretend that my cats were my children. Of course they didn’t like the idea much. My mom ran a daycare from the home and had become a second mom to so many children.  You would think after having all these kids come and go from our home that I would change my mind, but no.  I enjoyed practicing changing diapers, feeding and playing with the younger kids. I  Right after high school I married my high school sweet heart.  I thought that this was going to be my happily ever after.  We would get married, have kids and the prefect home, marriage and life. We hadn’t been married long before we wanted children.  Here I was 18yrs old just married for 8months thinking I was ready to have a baby.  I was going to school full time and working full time. My husband was also going to school full time and working part time, but we were young and thought we could do anything because we were in love.  I ended up getting pregnant and I couldn’t have been happier and couldn’t wait to tell my husband at the time.  I pictured our child helping his daddy fixing the car and how I was going to be the prefect mom with the prefect family.  I had no idea what being a mom really meant. 

My husband came home and I told him that I was pregnant. I thought he would be so excited being that he was the one who came to me and said he wanted to start a family.   However, when I told him he didn’t respond the way I thought.  I pictured me telling him that we were going to have a baby and that he would be so happy that he would embrace me and we would celebrate with joy.  That isn’t what happened.  I told him and he was angry.  He pushed me down and said that if I wanted to stay married I would have to have an abortion. It was an abortion or a divorce.  When I heard those words I was heartbroken.  I couldn’t imagine my life without him.  He was everything to me but I knew that I couldn’t get an abortion either.  At that moment my life fell apart and I could barely breathe.  With each beat off my heart it felt as if it was being ripped out.  I cried and begged him and tried to remind him just how much I loved him.  He told me again that it was an abortion or a divorce.  I told him that I couldn’t kill our baby and he said well than that’s it, it’s over.

I had to move back in my parents’ house.  I tried to continue with my life by going to school and working but I became really sick with the pregnancy and had to drop out of school and quit my job.  It was if my life was over.  One night as I was sitting alone in my room the grief had become too much and I planned to take my life.  Just as I went to go through with it I cried to God for help and I felt my baby kick for the first time.  God had sent me an angel in the form of a little baby girl to save my life.  At that moment I had hope again and knew that I had to fight for her, my little Stephanie.  I had a new purpose and that was to be the best mother I could be to her.

The day had come when I would meet my precious little girl.  After a long complicated labor they placed her on my chest.  I was too weak to hold her.  At that moment I felt love like I never had felt before and a fear of not going to be able to be a good mom to her set in.  I was of afraid of making a mistake and I thought how could I give her the life she deserves without a dad in it?

When I finally was able to hold her I looked at her tiny little face, hands and feet.  I’m a mom I thought to myself, I’m a mom.  The more I looked at her and held her in my arms my courage and determination grew.  I didn’t care what I had to do but I was going to give her the best life that I could.  Life hasn’t been easy but I am so grateful that I choose to give her life and to become a mother. 

I have six kids now and with each of them my heart grew.  When I met my husband now and we had Shannon I wasn’t sure if I could love another baby as much as I did Stephanie but when Shannon was born, again my heart grew. I fell in love with that little girl and understood love even more.  With the birth of each of my children my love grew and my mission in life became even clearer.  As a mother I have made many mistakes and have got a lot of things right.  Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs there is.  Kids don’t come with instruction manuals but I do know that they need to be handled with care.  Even though life has been hard and I wish I could have and could give my children more I am so thankful for being a mom.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  Being a mom has made me understand what love is, has taught me to pray with all my heart, has caused me to hurt like I never thought I could, and has given me a reason to enjoy life. 

This Mother’s Day I want to thank my children for giving me the title of “Mom.”  I want you to know that I love each and every one of you with all my heart.  I am proud of each of you and pray for you every day.  I hurt when you hurt, cry when you cry, celebrate when you celebrate, and smile just at the thought of you.   

I love you Stephanie, Shannon, Samantha, J.J., Sydney, and Sarah!

With all my love,

Your Mother, Trish Iiams