Missing My Brother

 

A few years ago my younger brother Matthew passed away and when he died I was so angry.  Out of my anger I turned off all music.  I’m not sure how long it was off, but I am thinking about a month or so.  I didn’t want to feel and to honest I really didn’t want to praise God at that moment.  It wasn’t until one morning I was driving my kids to school and they begged me to turn the radio on and to turn it to Klove. Reluctantly I turned it on.  The song Amazing Grace my Chains are Gone, by Chris Tomlin was playing.   This was the song that my kids and a friend of mine sang at Matthew’s funeral.  This hit me hard and of course the tears started flowing. My kids begged me to keep it on so I did.  Something happened to my heart when that song played.  It was softened and healing started to take place.  I felt God presence and His love overflow.  I dropped the kids off at school and on my drive home I turned the radio up and sang at the top of my lungs praising God.  It was hard to keep my hands on the wheel.  All I wanted to do was raise my hands up to God and praise Him with my all.  I don’t remember the other songs that played I just remember seeing a few people glance my way I guess to see what the crazy lady was doing, but I didn’t care.  The entire world faded away and before I knew it I was home.  I stayed in my van sitting in the driveway for who knows how long singing my heart out to God.  I finally went in the house and my heart was filled with peace and joy.  I hadn’t felt that for weeks. This August will be 4yrs since I lost my friend, my little brother. My heart is still sad because I miss him more than words can say, but I still have peace and joy in my heart.  I don’t think there will ever be a day where my heart will ever stop missing him and that I wish he was still here.  I don’t think anyone ever really gets over the loss of a loved one they just learn to live their life without them.  The tears have slowed but they are still there and at times seem brand new. For the rest of my life I will have a hole in my heart and will never be the same, but I am so thankful that I was blessed to have Matthew as my younger brother.  I will carry him in my heart and live my life in a way that would make him proud.  I know that he wouldn’t want me to dwell on his loss but live a life that would honor God.  He was one of the most giving person that I knew.  He truly cared for others more than himself.  He believed in always passing it forward and making everyone he met a little bit better off than they were before.  He changed lives for the better.  He is truly missed and always loved.

Food for the Soul

Music has always been important to me. Regardless where I am in life I can always count on a song to touch my heart. When I can’t find words to describe how I feel I can always find a song that covers it all. So many times I have turned to music to heal my heart, to encourage my soul, and to find strength to face the day. I played the violin for over 15yrs until a car accident took my ability to play it any longer. When I found out that I wasn’t going to be able to continue to play I was heartbroken and was desperate to find another outlet. I always loved to sing and dance as well, but in the accident those things changed too. I have been able to write poems which helped. Music though has the power to change people.
In times of sadness, celebration, and even anger I can turn to music to soothe my soul. Not only does music speak to the soul, it can bring back memories so sweet and even ones that aren’t so good. Music can connect people from all over the world regardless of the language spoken. Music is the universal language and can be understood by all.

A few years back I had the chance to go on a mission trip to St. Louis MO and we went to a nursing home where we had a chance to spend time with those facing their last days there. These particular people had no family or anyone that would come and visit. I had the chance to take part in a sensory group where these people would go to simulate their senses. Most of them were not able to communicate in any way and were in a vegetated state, but when I put the cd in that was old style St. Louis jazz praise music I saw life come to the lifeless. Heads start bobbing, feet start taping, smiles came to their faces, and even tears were shed.

My heart melted as I saw them with new life even if it was for a short time. Two of my favorite stories about that time were about two ladies I met in that groups. One all she wanted me to do was help lift her arms so she could praise Jesus and the other was put in corner to be forgotten. Sally was her name. The nurse told me not to worry about her because there was no hope for her and that she couldn’t communicate. As I glanced over I saw her head ever so softly moving to the beat. There was life in her so why would the nurse say something so cruel. I went over and introduced myself to her and her head stop as she slightly tilted her head my way. She was such a beautiful black lady with hair as white as snow. You could tell that she was blind and was missing her left leg. I started asking her questions and she would lightly shake her head yes or no. I sat by her and took her hand. She tightly clenched my hand as tears started flowing from her eyes. I just sat there and stroked her hand softly as I prayed for her. After a bit her hand started moving to the beat and our hands danced. My heart broke for those people, especially Sally. When it was time to go I had to turn the music off and I watched each and every one of them go back to their vegetated state. Music heals, brings life, and inspires.

I cannot imagine life without it. In our house it seems like somewhere someone is playing a song or singing one. One of my favorite ways to wake up my kids is to sing good morning to them (the singing in the rain version.) What a beautiful sound to hear my children go around the house singing. I have been so blessed. A number of my kids have been in musicals in their school and were in the choir. They were with a wonderful choir teacher that has inspired them in so many ways. She has encouraged them and through her class they found an outlet through song. I want to take the opportunity to thank her. So thank you Marie Hayden-Huerta for your heart, your love for music, and the love for the kids and for inspiring them to be their best. I have enjoyed hearing them practice, and practice, and practice the same song over and over and over again. You have made a difference in my home by making a difference in the lives of my children.

Music has had a special place in my heart and has been a way God has communicated His love for me. I can’t tell you how many times God has touch my heart through song. I have found comfort, direction, and conviction through various songs. I am so glad that in this life we can turn to music in the good times and bad.

Even if there is an irritating song that gets stuck in your mind it can bring joy. Some of our first ways we communicate with our children is through song. I want to challenge you to share a song with someone today, who knows it might just put a smile on their face.

May God bless you with a song in your heart.
Trish Iiams 

Spreading His Word

I just finished watching a video about a flash mob that started singing gospel music and was dancing in the streets.  It brought tears to my eyes to see people stop and listen and to see some join in. The other thing I noticed was everyone taking out their phones and start filming it.  This made me think about how far technology has come and how we use it. How many of those people who recorded this event would then share it with someone else? 

Technology can be a distraction and for me many times it is, but it can also be used to further the Kingdom of God and make a positive effect in someone else’s life.  Every year I have a word instead of a New Year’s resolution and this year’s word is Focus and last year was Fearless.  Last year I chose the word Fearless because I wanted to step out in faith more and be a change in the world and make a difference for Christ.  I started posting more about my relationship with God and who He is to me.  I started writing more and stepping out of my comfort zone.  This was an experience that was hard and I got a lot of slack for it, but I also noticed people following the posts, even some who didn’t agree.  I even had a friend who for as long as I have known him did not believe in God say that he would pray for me.  I heard family members who I don’t have much contact with tell my parents about my posts.  What if my insignificant little post was actually making a difference? 

Last year was an extremely hard year for me and as the New Year was approaching I found myself praying for an end to the chaos, but it didn’t it was worse than ever.  I found myself in a state of mind where I didn’t know which way to go or what to do.  My mind became a blur and my focus was everywhere except for where it should have been and that is on God.  After much thought and prayer about my word for the year I chose Focus.  The next day I go to church and the series for the month was going to be “Tune my Heart.”  How funny is God, He has a way of letting you know that you are on the right track if you keep your eyes open to see it.

Focus, huh? This simple word would turn into one of my greatest challenges.  So much has already happen this year and it is only March.  There has been much trials and distraction.  I have been discouraged and numb at times, but when I turn my focus on God somehow things seems better.  I’m not saying that everything instantly became prefect, but I have peace. Problems still happen but my God shows up each and every time. He is there giving me strength, encouragement or whatever I need to get through the situation.

Have you ever heard the saying “God won’t give you anything you can’t handle?” I like to think of it as God won’t give you anything He can’t handle, for it is when we rely on Him is when we get through a tough situation.  There have been many occasions where I found myself in a situation where there was no way out.  There was a time where I felt there was no hope and there was a time where I felt like my life couldn’t continue on.  However, the instant I turned to God I found hope, even though at times it was but a small glimmer.  There are situations in life that we can’t handle on our own because we need God.  With God all things are possible and in Him is where we find our strength and hope.

In this life we will have trouble but God has overcome the world (John 16:33).  There is nothing God can’t do.  I take that back God can’t lie or should I say won’t.  He has promised to never leave us or forsake us and when He says never that means never!  He has also told us that we are never alone because He is with us.  There are times we may feel alone but He is not the one who walked away.  I know that there have been times where I have felt completely alone and felt distance from God, but when I took a close look at it I was the one who pushed Him away.  I am so thankful that I have a God that loves me more than words can say.  There is a saying that actions speaks louder than words.  This is so true.  God died on the cross for my sins, your sins, and all mankind’s sins. Now if that doesn’t say He loves us than what does?  Knowing that how can we not share God’s love with others? 

We are His disciples and we have been called to share the good news with all those we meet.  I hope that when others see me they see Christ in me.  I pray that when I die others will be able to say that I knew God and lived a life that pointed to Him. I hope I live a life that points others to God a not away from Him. No matter if it is work, home, school, on Facebook, the grocery store……wherever we need to show others the love of Christ.  There will be some who will not like you for that but there were some who hated Christ Himself.  That breaks my heart because without Christ and His love we wouldn’t have hope.  My prayer is that all who does not know Him will come to not only know Him but fall in love with Him.  He can truly change a heart and a life.  

Worry

For the first time in a while I have been able to just sit here.  I have so many things to do and each and every one of those things I am at a loss on how I am going to get them done.  My thoughts have been on hyper drive trying to figure out a plan of attack.  It is the first of the month, which means time to pay bills.  This month however, we will be $2000 short of what we have had to work with.  My husband lost his job last month. He did find a new one, but it is for $2000 less than what he was making and no health insurance.  I am a newer realtor and I have been having a difficult time promoting myself for business.  I do have a condo in an elderly community for sales but there hasn’t been much interest.  I am at a loss, should I find a job that has a regular pay schedule with benefits or stay with what I have now?  Being a realtor is a lot of work but as a mom it has been prefect for my family.  My schedule is flexible for the most part and I have had plenty of time to be a mom and a wife.  My income was just to help with the extras and never intended to be the main source of income.  Joe and I agreed that I would be a stay home mom.  My kids are all in school full time and being a real estate agent has been nice to break up the day from the routine and help financially here and there.  What a toss-up being able to be the mom I need to be and be available for my family or go to work full time to substitute what Joe made and health insurance. Either way there is a loss.

There has been so many changes last year and so many challenges that have carried over to this year, and many more added to it.  To be honest I am feeling a bit over whelmed. I am having a hard time getting any footing.  At the moment I feel a little numb.  It is like my mind just shut off or I blew a gasket by thinking too much.  Just last weekend I had an amazing time at a Christian retreat that I was asked to lead and I never felt God’s spirit so strong like I did there.  Since the retreat I have had a number of battles that I am facing, like health, family, and financial hardship. 

I know the obvious is to turn to God for answers.  I have prayed and I have asked God for His help.  However, as I sit here I can’t see a way out.  I know He sees the big picture and He will provide, I just wish I knew how.

Sarah my youngest had to see a heart specialist and now has to wear a heart monitor for 30 days.  They think that the electrical communication in her heart is off and that is why she has been having pain.  To be honest I don’t know how we are going to pay for all of this now that we have no health insurance, but I know it will all work out.  I am praying that God just heals her heart, that she won’t have any more problems, and that she won’t have to have surgery.  I am also praying for provision.

It has been one thing after another and to honest I am worn out.  I am trying to lean on God but my mind still fills full of worry about the future and the now.  I am praying that God gives me peace and for me to be able to trust Him completely.  Oh God please hear my prayers.

On the positive, after ten years of going back and forth with the idea to publish the daily devotional book I have been writing I have decided to move forward with it.  There has been an open door so we will see.  I know in my heart that God has a plan for my life.  I believe it does consist of publishing my book and going around giving my testimony to those who will listen.  I have no clue how I am going to do that, but I feel very strongly in my heart is that is what God wants from me.  For those of you who know me speaking terrifies me, but when I speak God shows up in the words He has me say. When I am done speaking I get such a rush.  All I want is for those who hear me speak that they will hear a message for them from God.

I know I am rabbling, but that is what is going through my mind.  I have such a desire in my heart to pursue God’s will for my life, but I have no idea how.  Besides what about my family and our finances?  How are we going to survive? 

I guess the only thing to do is trust in God; He knows.  I just wish I did.  I guess if I knew everything I wouldn’t need God and oh how I need Him right now.  I will continue to pray and seek God’s will.          

“Dear Father, things look a little bleak right now and I really don’t see a way out.  There is so many things that are over my head at the moment and I have no clue on what I should do.  Please dear Heavenly Father please show me the way.  Set my path straight and lead me in the way I should go.  I so desire to do your will and live my life in which You intended me to, but I am at a loss.  Please provide for my family God and bless our home with good health, peace, and financial blessings. Please watch over my family and my children’s hearts.  I pray that I can give all control over to You and for Your will to be done and not mine.  God I am finding myself in a desperate place and I need You.  Please give my heart comfort and peace like only You can.  Thank you for everything You have placed in my life good and bad, for I know that You have a plan and You will turn my ashes into something so beautiful.  Give me Your eyes so I can see the light and place my feet firmly on the ground so I can stand strong for you.  Thank you again for Your love and staying true to Your promise that You will never leave me or forsake me.”

The Presences of God

As sit here alone this morning as the kids are still in bed my heart feels calm.  The last several months I have been planning for a Christian retreat called Koinonia that we just had over this past weekend.  I was so nervous all the way until the time we said goodbye.  I struggled with thoughts that I had to do everything right, what were people going to think about me and that I am not worthy. I have been to these retreats many times and each and every time God moved.  For some reason I thought that I would be in the way of God moving because of my nerves.  Speaking in front of people always has been hard for me and leading is another out of the box thing for me.  I have lead Girls retreats before and they were hard for me as well, but God always showed up.  In the back of my mind I knew that He would this time as well. 

Friday started off bumpy as I fought a battle in my mind.  It wasn’t until I said that this isn’t about me but about God did I feel a shift in the atmosphere.  I don’t know about others but I thought that this was one of the most power God lead weekends I have ever been on.  He showed up in a mighty way despite me. Thank you God!!  He definitely had me doing things out of the box and I had such a wonderful team that didn’t care what their assigned task were, but everyone helped everyone. They didn’t question the changes or the last minute additions, they just served.  Oh how that blessed my heart.

God is amazing and when we get out of our own way He does more than anyone could ever imagine.  Everywhere I turned I saw God at work changing lives.  I watched hearts healed and miracles happen. It is so hard to find the right words to describe the things I witnessed.  All I can say is that God is good.  He used others to be the change for others.  Each person there touched someone through their love for one another.

There were so many attacks on myself and the rest of the team prior to the weekend and on the weekend, but everyone armed themselves with the full armor of God and came out to battle.  The prayer team was hit hard but others came along side and lifted them up.  That just shows you just how powerful prayer is.  The people of God came through in a mighty way and the battle was won.   

The presence of God was so strong.  Every person who talked you can tell were being the voice for God.  The small groups united and support one another. Every team member did their job with joy even if it meant standing in the cold to be a light for someone else.

I wish I could express the thanks I have in my heart for all who came, but I can’t find the right words.

Even though I came home tired I felt rejuvenated and on fire to be the change, to be the light and a voice for God. I will continue to pray for everyone as I know that God is not done, but this is just the beginning.

Koinonia

This is a poem that I wrote 10yrs ago after my first Koinonia retreat.

 

 

My heart was broken and full of hate.

God was the one who brought me to this place.

My life was falling apart and I was facing a marriage in which I would soon have to depart.

I was full of sorrow and I didn’t know how I would face tomorrow.

With God I prayed and pleaded.

God knew what I needed.

My heart was broken and I didn’t fill any love, but God sent His love to me from above.

God surrounded me with people with their hearts breaking too. 

God was about to heal all of us, who knew.

God’s love began to chip away at the stone surrounding my heart.

What a journey that we were about to embark.

The feeling of his love was all around.

It was God’s love that we all found.

God’s grace was given to all that came together in this place.

God knew what it would take.

My heart was filled with love and my tears flowed.

For it was God’s unconditional love that showed.

I saw other broken hearts heal as God’s grace and purpose was revealed.

The companionship and comfort made me feel safe.

God healed the brokenness, and love took its place.

Boundaries and walls fell apart.

For it was a relationship with God that I sought.

I saw God work a miracle as he healed mine and my husband’s heart. 

Now I know that as long as God is in the center of our lives we will never be apart.

Where there was once brokenness there is hope.

As long as God is my heart I know I can cope.

I came desperate for acceptance, love, and was full of fear.

I have never cried so many cleansing tears.

I have never felt a love so deep.

God is there when I weep.

I let go of the hurt and pain.

Holding onto them I had nothing to gain.

I let go of the anger, guilt, and many other things I struggled with before I came.

When I did that my Father in heaven revealed to me that he still loves me the same.

For in God’s mercy and love, there is no more shame.

I was searching for something to fill the void in my heart.

With the help of the others there and God’s love I came out of the dark.

I was searching for love not knowing that it was God’s love I’d seek.

The love he gave me was so deep.

Now my heart is full of peace.

Not only was my heart renewed, my opinion about life was changed, and so was how everything viewed.

I was given a new family with a new start and the void was filled in my heart.

I was also given many new family members.

When they prayed with me it was God’s love I remembered.

I am so thankful that God chose me and now my spirit is free.

It was God who opened my heart and now I can see.

My family has a new fellowship and community full of love.

We will all live together with Jesus above.

The Condition of the Heart

Yesterday was a day full of mixed feelings for me.  My son J.J. had his annual heart examination as well as his 3yr heart checkup in which they would have to run many test.  J.J. was born with a heart defeat and we have been watching it ever since.  He has avoided surgery so far and we are hoping that he can avoid it as long as possible.  When he was younger there was not much they could do as far surgery to fix it, it was more of watch and see.  As advancements in technology there is now a surgery that can fix it. As they were running the test I sat there anxiously waiting to hear the results.  I was watching his heart beat on the screen as they did an ultrasound and was praying that everything would be ok.  I saw the two flaps in his value (he should have three) open and close as the blood pumped in and out I thanked God for his life.  J.J. has been able to live a normal life for the most part with some minor precautions. 

Even though J.J. just turned 16yrs old I pictured him as he lay there on the table as a little boy.  I remember the day we first found out that he had a heart defect.  It was like a blow to my heart.  As the words came out of the doctors mouth my heart sank, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and my mind filled with worry.  That day I held his little body in my arms as I rocked him and prayed to God begging Him to let J.J. live.  This morning J.J. got his drivers permit.  Thank you God for his life. There was a time I wondered if that day would come.

Hours past and several test more.  Finally the last test. It was an exercise stress test.  For this one I wasn’t able to go back with him.  I was to wait in the examination room until he returned and that is where we would find out the results of the test. During that time many thoughts crossed my mind.  I reflected on my daughter Stephanie who just had two heart surgeries to have a pacemaker put in.  I thought about this lady I know who lost her child as a baby due to a heart defect.  As I was reflecting my heart grew from worry to thankfulness.  God has been so good to my children.  He has blessed them with life.  Just writing this I am crying because God chose to allow them to still be here.  I couldn’t imagine my life without any one of my children.

 After about 45mins J.J. came back to the room, however he had on scrubs.  I guess during the stress test they plugged his nose and had him only breathe through a tube to reproduce labored breathing.  After a half hour of going full force J.J. couldn’t take it anymore and when he stop the exercise he became really sick and threw up and his nose started bleeding a lot, so they gave him some scrubs to wear.  He was beat red which always happens when he works out a lot because of the increased blood flow he has.  Five minute past and the doctor and her assistant came in.  She started to go over the results.  My heart was now pounding with anticipation and to be honest I was a little fearful of what she would say.  She said that for the most part things looked good.  She did say that there is some thickening of the heart walls which is normal for his condition, that the flaps are not leaking, or sticking.  She said that he doesn’t have to have surgery yet, that things still surprisingly looks good.  She was concerned about the nose bleeds he keeps having and the chest pain he gets when he over exerts himself, but all in all the results were good.  She said that he can continue to live the normal life that he has been living with the same few restrictions he has to follow.  She said that she wanted him to come back in two years in which he will be 18yrs old and they will start transitioning him to the adult clinic.  This gave me an instant whirlwind of emotions.  I was so thankful that he has made it to 16yrs old and that him becoming an adult was coming true, Thank God for that.  However, my little boy is growing up.  He is such a wonderful young man, full of life, love for others and talented in so many ways.  I know God has great things planned for him.

Over the past several months with my daughter Stephanie and my son J.J.’s heart issues God has shown me such mercy.   God holds each of our hearts in His hands.  Every day we wake up is a gift of life. God is so amazing and is the definition of love.  Not only does he care about us physically but he cares about our heart’s condition.  Each of us whether or not we were born with a physical heart defeat or not were born with a heart condition.  There is a God shaped hole in each of our hearts that only God can fill.  I don’t know about you but I have tried to fill that hole with so many other things besides God.  The moment I chose to fill that hole with God was that moment my heart was complete and started to truly beat for the first time.  At that moment I was alive.  God came so we can have life, but it is our choice if we accept it.  We can choose His love and the fact that He died for our sins or not.  However, the only way we can have true life is if we choose to believe that and to accept His love. 

It doesn’t end there, we can choose to believe in Him and what He did for us, but do we choose to follow Him and allow Him to continually fill that void.  I wish the moment we believed we would never have to fill that void again, but unfortunately we are human and think we can venture off and face life alone.  I don’t know how many times I decided to take on life myself before even considering that God has it.  The moment we choose to step away from His presence is the moment that that God shaped hole in our heart is exposed.  God makes everything complete and when we choose to walk with Him our problems don’t go away but become worth it. 

In the middle of writing this I had to leave to take the kids to school and in my mind the song “Change My Heart oh Lord” played reminding me how much I need God to change my heart. 

Change my heart oh God,
make it ever true.
Change my heart oh God,
may I be like You.

This is my prayer to have the heart of God. 

Today whatever the day brings I pray that we allow God to fill our God shaped hole completely.  May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May the Peace of the Lord be With you,

Trish Iiams