The house is quite. Everyone is asleep. All that can be heard is the ticking of the clock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock. With a steady beat the clock counts each second. As I sit here alone listening to the clock my thoughts began to reflect back in time passed. Memories keep flooding my mind. Some joyous and others heart wrenching. So much has happened in my life. Questions of what if keep popping in my mind. I quickly push those questions aside by saying God was and still is in control. Just a little bit ago I was watching music videos on Youtube praising God to the songs. As the pictures appeared one by one I was amazed at the beauty that God created. The words of the songs pierced my heart as I heard God’s love for me in the music. What a wonderful Savior.
Easter is fast approaching and I have been worried about the kids Easter outfits, collecting little trinkets to put in the kids basket, and what we are going to do for Easter that I forgot about the reason we celebrate Easter to begin with. I read a post earlier. It asked the question, Has Christ dying on the cross made a difference in my life? Indeed it did. No doubt that His sacrifice made all the difference. I was once walking through life with no peace, no meaning, and without hope. But when I realized that Christ died for me as well as for everyone else, I was overcome with joy and a weight was lifted. But when I found out that it was His gift to me because He loved me just because and not because I had to earn it, I was no longer afraid and I had hope, reassurance, and felt true joy for the first time in my life. I am nothing without Him. As I sit here and try to put what I am feeling in words I can't find the right ones. All I know is everything I have been through good and bad was for a reason, and that was to bring me closer to God. Right now my heart is overflowing with emotion and love for God. His mercies are never ending. Despite everything I have done in my life and at times forget what is truly important God still loves me the same. On my own I could never be good enough, but God fills in all the gaps.
The past several months I have been in a fog. After my brother died, apart of me shut down. I guess you can say I have been on automatic pilot ever since. Just going through the motions and trying to live without emotion. So many people I love are hurting. I wish I could make it all better, but I can't. The past few days I have been praying that my heart would come back to life and that I can live again, but with a closer walk with God. Right now my heart is on fire, I want to be able to share the love of Jesus with everyone. I wish they could know what I know and that is about a loving Savior who loves them and with Him there is hope. That with Him no matter what may happen in our lives we are not alone. That each of us has a purpose. Even on our darkest days God still loves us. Nothing we can do can make Him love us less. His love isn’t earned and can't be earned. He loves us just because and just the way we are. He didn't have to die on the cross for us, take our sins upon Himself and pay for them with His own blood. He did that because He loves each and every one of us. I look at my kids and my heart fills with love for them. My love for my children doesn't even come close to how much God loves us. My prayer is that everyone just doesn't have a Happy Easter but will remember why we have Easter. As Christ rose again let us lay down the past and live again in Him and for Him. I pray that our lives will be a light to all those who may not know Him. Dear God, thank you for loving me enough to die for me and for giving my life when I had no hope.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
At the Foot of the Cross
I find myself wandering in the darkness searching for hope, peace, and answers. Not being able to see the way I stretch my arms out to feel where I am going. With my arms stretched out in front of me I feel something. As I continue to feel the object a ray of sun shines down on it to reveal what it is. As my eyes focus I see a wondrous cross before me. I stand amazed at the sight. There is quite all around. Not a sound can be heard. The silence like a cold knife penetrates my heart. I feel sorrow and regret for times past. I begin to weep from the depths of my soul. With my head bowed down in shame I stand at the foot of the cross so desperate for God. My tears flow deep. There is no where else to turn. At the foot of the cross I am in the presence of love, but my heart feels bound and alone. I have been wandering around searching for somewhere to belong and for someone to love me for so long. The sky is dark and still the only light to be seen is that of the one ray of sun shinning upon the cross. Only a cold breeze can be felt as it softly brushes across my face drying my tears as they fall. I shiver trying to stay warm. As I continue to stand before the cross I cry out “God where are you.” As I cry out I fall to my knees and plead to God. “Dear God, hear my cries, forgive me, and please come to my rescue. Please save me from myself and this cruel world. I can’t do it by myself.” As I cry I hear thunder and see flashes of light that light up the sky as the lightning cracks the darkness. The sky opens up and the rain pours down covering the dry and crumbling ground. The drops of rain are quickly absorbed by the once thirsty lifeless ground. I continue to plea and cry out to God. Laying face first on the ground I am tired and weak and feel as if I can’t go on. The rain stops and I begin to feel warmth upon my back. I lift my head and feel the warmth from the sun on my face. There are now two rays of sunlight, one still shining on the cross and now one shining on me. I pull myself up and try to dry my eyes. As I stand at the foot of the cross I begin to feel Gods presence. The warmth of the sun starts to warm my cold and lonely heart. So tired from crying I whisper “God is that You?” I hear a loving, tender voice faint but strong say “yes my daughter it is I, your Lord and Savior. I am here. I have always been here waiting for you to come home. I am so happy that you made it here. I have missed you so.” I begin to cry again and say “God I am so sorry for taking so long to come home and for the life I once lived. Please dear God, forgive me.” I than hear him say “Oh my child I already have. Look up and see what stands before you. There stands the cross I carried, bleed, and died on. That moment I said it was finished, it was finished. You and all who choose to believe in me were forgiven and were given a new life filled with hope and a promise that we would never be apart.” A love like I never felt swells in my heart. The sky begins to clear and a beautiful valley appears as the ground sparks life as flowers bloom where once there was darkness. Brilliant colors fill the sky. Now a warm breeze blows across the field making the branches and flowers dance in the love of and presence of the Lord. Peace and love fill my heart. My heart is now alive as it beats with new hope and passion. As I bask in the love of Christ He tells me to share His love with others and let them know with Him there is hope. He tells me to stay strong and reminds me that He is always with me and that we will never be apart. He is all I need. His love fills my heart and gives my soul life. Not just breath to breathe, but a life worth living.