I haven’t written anything in a while. I have been sorting out so many things in my life and trying to make sense of a lot of it. I have been going through a very fast and trying time in my life. I have faced many trials in such a short time. Life keeps throwing me so many curve balls that I haven’t been able to keep up. This morning Sarah who is my youngest and is nine had a rough morning. There has been an illness running through my home and my daughter Sydney was sick through the night and woke up with a fever. J.J. my one and only son was sick last week and through the weekend had a late start today so I let everyone sleep in. I was very tired after spending a long night taking care of Sydney. I decided to take Sarah to school after I took J.J. to school, so she would be late. This didn’t sit well with Sarah. She thought that it was unfair that she had to go to school when Sydney didn’t. I explained that Sydney is sick and has a fever. Sarah stated that she didn’t feel good either. I checked and she didn’t have a temp so I told her that she had to go to school and that she couldn’t miss any more school. She has had a rough year with getting sick and has been having heart issues. She completely lost it and started yelling and screaming about how unfair I was and that she hated me and everyone else in the house, especially me. She said that she hated it here and that she wanted to live somewhere else. She keep saying she wanted a new home. Nothing I said calmed her down so I got up and opened to door and told her to go. I told if she really doesn’t like it here than go ahead and find a new home. I felt so small as I held that door and said those words. Of course she didn’t go, she just told me to shut up. I then told her to stand in the corner and again she told me to shut up. I walked over and gave her a swat on the butt and told her that she could not talk to me like that. I told her to get her shoes on and that we needed to take J.J. to school. Screaming and crying she got her shoes on. I sat on the coach and prayed for wisdom and that she would calm down. I was getting upset and I didn’t want to say something to her I would regret. A few minutes passed and she stop screaming and crying. I told her to come over and talk about what just happened. She came over I opened my arms and she gave me a hug and said that she was sorry. I told her that I love her and that this would always be her home. I explained why she had to go to school and that she missed too much school already. I told her that I was trying to do what I thought was best for her and I was not trying to mean. We sat on the couch with me holding her for a few more minutes until it was time to go. When my mom used to say “this hurts me more than it hurts you” I thought yeah right, but being a mom I now understand that it does hurt. I don’t like seeing my kids hurt or upset in any way. However, as a parent doing the right thing sometimes hurts their feelings and they don’t get their way all the time. When I saw her so upset this morning and when I had to give her a spanking it hurt my heart. As I was sitting here processing this morning I was reminded how it must hurt God’s heart to have to correct us, to watch us become upset, and to hear the hurtful things that come out of our mouths towards him and others. This hit me hard. God’s love abounds greatly for us. He truly loves us and wants what is best for us. We may not like it but when all is said and done His way is always the best. In Jeremiah 29:11 He says that He has plans for us, plans to prosper us and not harm us. As a parent we do the same for our kids. They may not see us sending them to school when they don’t want to go as something good, but we know that their education is important. We see a bigger picture. If I have to be honest I would have to say when my daughter told me that she hates me this morning, I have told God the same thing. I told Him this when my brother died almost 4yrs ago. Since then I have told Him that I was angry at Him. After telling Him those things what do you think He did? He opened His arms and said that He loved me any way. I will never be the prefect parent but I am so glad that we have a Heavenly Father who is.
“Dear Father, help me be a better parent and to love my children with a heart like yours. I thank you for loving me even when at times I don’t deserve it, make bad choices and say hurtful things. Please help me understand the deepest of Your love more in my everyday life. Thank you for all You do for me and for knowing what is best.”