Wednesday, June 29, 2016

More Than a Tattered Heart

Day 1

My heart has been broken more times than I can count it seems and I have been through so many trials where I watched my heart completely shatter.  However there is a different and deeper pain that you feel when you watch someone you love hurt, especially when it is one of your children.  There you are watching your child’s life fall apart right before your eyes and there is nothing you can do.  They made their choice and you are left holding the pieces of your tattered heart.  I would gladly rip my heart out and give it to them so they won’t get hurt and would know just how much they are loved.  Last night as I watched my son make a decision that is so destructive I literally felt my heart break in two and then shatter.  I couldn’t catch my breath because the pain was too great and all I could do was sob in between my mournful cries.  In the midst of my heart breaking I see my husband trying to be strong and then watch him completely fold in half with gut wrenching cries as well.  My husband is a strong man and I have seen him cry before, but never like this.  As we watched our son walk out the door not knowing if this would be the last time we would ever see him, we were both crushed and destroyed.  This morning as I sit here my heart is barely beating, but as of last night it will never beat the same.  Earlier I went to his empty bedroom laid on his bed hugged his pillow and cried out to God.  I wept and pleaded for God to save him from this fate that he chose.  As our son sat on the coach last night and told us of his decision I saw that behind all the words he spoke was a broken soul, lonely and afraid.  Oh how I wanted to go and take him in my arms and take all his pain away.  Emotions were high as he told us that he was going to choose this path and that he was willing to let go of his family if that was what he had to do. As I am typing this it is hard to see.  I cannot stop crying.  How do stop a bleeding heart anyway.  My eyes are so swollen with grief.  I will never stop pleading for my son.  Even though it is hard to find the words to pray I know God hears my broken heart crying out in his behalf.  So many unknowns, to start I don’t know where is, if he is safe or if I will see him again.  Oh God, please watch over him and bring him back to You.  I need to trust You, so please give me the strength so I can do so.  All I can say is help, please dear God help!!   

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