The Unknown First

Day 2:

My heart is very heavy this morning.  Last night was the first night that we didn’t know where our son was.  Every little sound filled my heart with hope that maybe it was our son JJ and that he had come home.  So many thoughts have crossed my mind and the what if, I should have, and self-doubt plague my soul.  Every time the phone rings my heart leaps and I pray that it is him, but when I see that it’s not another strip is ripped away from my heart.  I keep reminding myself that even if I have a glimmer of hope, it is still hope. I know that God knows where he is and is with him.  I have been having to pray some difficult prayers.  Prayers like, “That he find thrones everywhere he turns except for God, that he finds out quickly that the world is not for him, but God is, that his heart will not be at peace until he cries out to God.” This is the hardest prayer of the all, that God will do whatever it takes to bring JJ back to Him and home.  Yesterday when he called and told me that he wasn’t going to come home sheer worry came over my entire being.  He told me he would call me after he got off of work, so when it was time for him to call I held my phone waiting to hear his voice, but he never called. I finally went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I keep praying that God’s love and truth will shine through all the lies that he is believing.  It’s hard to describe how I feel.  My heart feels heavy like it is a big bag of fluid or I should I say full of the blood from my heart being ripped to pieces, and it physically hurts.  It has been rapidly beating and at times I can’t seem to take a breath.  I try not to let my thoughts run rapid.  My eyes are swollen and body is sore and tired.  The biggest struggle is not having my mind go wild in thought and I am trying not to worry.  This is extremely hard; I mean he is my only son, my heart.  Last night I found myself looking through pictures of him growing up. I kept asking myself where did I go wrong.  Thoughts like maybe this is happening because of my sins and where did I fail him. I started tearing myself apart.  I let him leave the house to go to his Aunt and uncle’s house to give him some space.  I knew deep down inside that this was him manipulating the situation so he could leave, but I let him go hoping he would be back the next day.  I wish he could see that the choices that he is making will only lead to destruction and he will be hurt.  I don’t know what to say or do.  I pray for wisdom and peace.  Everyone keeps telling me to give him to God.  How do you do that?  I feel that I have, but I still hurt for him, worry about him, and desperately miss him.  JJ please come home!! We love you!!  I love you more than life itself and would gladly give my life for yours not to be filled with pain.  Our hearts will always be connected.  Remember you once heard my heart beat from the inside and my heart sustained your life.