Uneasy

Day 3

Yesterday was a very long day.  The morning started off with broken tears and a lot of prayer.  My husband kept calling to talk things out.  He is a solver and wants to fix things.  Since there is nothing we can do to fix this situation he and I are on an emotional and mental roller coaster ride.  Emotions were all over the place.  I mainly prayed and was trying with all my might to give it to God.  Let me tell you, this is easier said than done.  I started a prayer chain and every once in a while I would hear my message notification sound go off and I would find that someone had prayed.  Those prayers one by one gave me strength.  I was watching my 2yr old grandson like I do every day and he was extra cuddly, so that helped, I had to hold it together for him.  We have three little dogs and each of them had to stay by my side making sure I was ok.  As I was checking the computer for the prayers being sent my way for our family and especially my son I got a message from J.J.  My heart leaped with Joy, but was nervous as to what it would said.  He started out with that he misses me and loves me.  I of course started to cry and continue to read.  As I read on I found what I believe the real reason for the message, this is what he wrote, “I am wondering if you can maybe go into my room and get my OBU laundry bag and my watch, that fit bit should've sent me and maybe you can meet me for lunch tomorrow and if you can bring that OBU bag and the fitbit I would appreciate it because I don`t know when I’ll be coming home.” Ouch, my heart was saddened again.  I then had a battle stew in my mind, should I take him his things, should I even go, or should I meet with him and don’t bring him anything except my love and a reminder that this is still his home and if he wants his things he would have to come home and get them himself.  As of this morning I am still unsure what I should do.  I will go and see him.  I love him too much not too.  He didn’t want me to tell anyone, but I couldn’t keep this a secret, his dad; my husband has the right to know.  Joe came home and I told him of our conversation and my poor husband was sent on yet another emotional ride of what to do.  He ended up saying, "Give him and hug from me and tell him that I love him and miss him." You see Joe is one that acts or speaks before he thinks and wears his emotions on his sleeves.  He comes across harsh, while all along hurting inside.  Yesterday after Joe had seen me cry for what seems like two days straight and after JJ had called me to say that he isn’t coming home, he called JJ back and told him, "Stop hurting your mother and that now it is between you and me."  J.J. took this as a threat and is using that as an excuse not to come home because he is claiming that my husband would hurt him.  This is not the case, he has never laid a hand on him and never will.  If anything Joe has been more lenient with J.J. than any of our other kids.  Taking a deep breath and praying as what I should do.  The biggest issue we have as the parents right now is that our son isn’t showing any remorse for the things he has done or for all the lies.  Joe says that if J.J. would show remorse then he would do anything physically possible to help him, and I would have to agree.  I can’t wait to see J.J. and to give him a big hug.  I love him so much and I miss him.  My heart hurts for him and I pray that he figures things out soon or he will miss out on starting the future he had planned with college and things.  "Oh God, please touch J.J.’s heart and open his eyes to the decisions he is making.  Let him know what’s at stake and be able to turn to You for guidance.  I know he is 18yrs old and he thinks he understands what the world has in store for him, but I pray that he will come back to You and home before the world eats him up.  Watch over him and protect him, but God I am still praying the hard prayers that You will do whatever it takes to bring him back to You.  May Your grace and mercy cover him and our home."