Friday, July 1, 2016

Hope and Heart Break

Day 4

When I woke up on Thursday my heart was troubled as if I should go and see my son.  I battled back and forth and with each tug one way or the other my barely beating heart ripped even more; I didn’t think there was anything left.  I posted the question on a prayer page that I am apart of and got many responses and a phone call from the lady who created the page for her son who is now recovered.  She encouraged me and I made the decision not to see him, not because I didn’t want to but because I felt that he was using me to bring him his things.  I messaged him on Facebook that I loved him but couldn’t meet him.  My husband Joe called and told me to go so I could gage where he was, so I gladly agreed.  I watch my grandson David during the day so I had to take him with me.  My son J.J. gave me an address and I thought it was to the home he was staying, but no it was to a Starbucks :( I went and met him and gave him a big hug.  It was good to see him.  We sat down and I felt the room full of strangers close in on me.  I felt that all eyes were staring at us.  I couldn’t hold my tears in.  I told him that I didn’t bring his things and that he has a home and his things would be there if he came home or came and got them himself. He was a little upset and told me it would have been easier for him if I brought them.  Sure it would be easier for him, but not me.  I told him that I couldn’t help him leave.  We talked and it was uncomfortable.  I felt myself starting to have a panic attack. People were noticing that I was crying and I know the guy with his back turned to us sitting beside us was intently listening.  I shared my heart with him and asked him if this is what he truly wanted to do and was still willing to give up everything to pursue his choice, and sadly he said yes.  He kept saying he would be home, but not yet.  He kept saying he didn’t feel comfortable there anymore.  I believe he isn’t comfortable anymore because he was caught in a lie and didn’t want to live by our rules anymore and is filled with shame. I told him again and again that his dad and I loved him, but we don’t and will never support what he is doing.  David was getting fussy so I suggested that we take a walk and get something to eat, so we did.  We walked a couple of shops down and ate at a burger place.  We sat outside this time.  We talked more and he kept saying that he didn’t want to come home because he said my husband threaten him.  I told him to stop it and he knew that wasn’t true.  I told him how heartbroken his dad is and how much he has cried and misses him. When I was telling him those things J.J. teared up.  My heart was absolutely breaking.  There was a lot of awkward silence and you can tell neither one us was comfortable.  He kept asking me what time it was and how he hoped we would have been able to sit and talk like we did just a few days before.  It is crazy how things can change in such a short amount of time.  David was getting fussy again and I didn’t know what else to say, but I didn’t want to leave because I didn’t want to say goodbye.  I knew I had to so I got up, he walked me to the sidewalk and he hugged me tight and I him.  We told each other that I love you.  He kept hugging me and wouldn’t let go, but he finally did and at that moment it felt like he took my heart with him.  Oh how it hurt to walk away.  I pushed David in his stroller to the car weeping the whole time.  I sat in my car crying and praying.  When I was able to wipe my eyes enough to start the lonely journey home I started to pull out and out of the corner of my eyes I saw J.J. sitting outside of the Starbucks watching me.  He looked so sad and I just wanted to grab him and take him home, but I couldn’t so I kept on going.  I had to pull it together because I had my precious grandson in the car who kept asking, "where J.J. go."  You can tell his little heart was hurting as well.  He and J.J. are buddies.  He has already been missing my two youngest daughters Sydney who is 14 and Sarah who is 11.  They are in Springfield Missouri visiting their oldest sister Stephanie.  I made it home and Joe my son-in-law was home and put little David to bed.  I called my husband Joe and told him how it went.  I know he was hoping that J.J. wanted to come home.  I keep thinking that I should have just told him to come home and made him, but I know I couldn’t have.  This is my baby boy, my only son, my heart and he is gone.  I will no longer get to see him every day.  In about a month we were supposed to drop him off at college and say see you later, but no that’s not how it happened, he left on his own and I have no clue where he is.  The evening and night was hard.  I kept fighting thoughts of despair and was praying with my every breath.  My eyes were so swollen from crying that I took some allergy medicine in hopes it would help.  My husband and I couldn’t sleep so there we were lying in bed talking everything through.  Joe said a prayer and we eventually fell asleep.  I didn’t sleep well, our bedroom is right next to his so every little sound I would wake up hoping it was him, but it wasn’t.  "God still holding to hope.  Please give J.J. a spiritual hug for me and remind him that he is loved."

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