Day 4
When I woke up on Thursday my heart was troubled as if I
should go and see my son. I battled back
and forth and with each tug one way or the other my barely beating heart ripped
even more; I didn’t think there was anything left. I posted the question on a prayer page that I
am apart of and got many responses and a phone call from the lady who created
the page for her son who is now recovered.
She encouraged me and I made the decision not to see him, not because I didn’t
want to but because I felt that he was using me to bring him his things. I messaged him on Facebook that I loved him
but couldn’t meet him. My husband Joe
called and told me to go so I could gage where he was, so I gladly agreed. I watch my grandson David during the day so I
had to take him with me. My son J.J.
gave me an address and I thought it was to the home he was staying, but no it
was to a Starbucks :( I went and met him and gave him a big hug. It was good to see him. We sat down and I felt the room full of
strangers close in on me. I felt that
all eyes were staring at us. I couldn’t
hold my tears in. I told him that I didn’t
bring his things and that he has a home and his things would be there if he
came home or came and got them himself. He was a little upset and told me it
would have been easier for him if I brought them. Sure it would be easier for him, but not me. I told him that I couldn’t help him leave. We talked and it was uncomfortable. I felt myself starting to have a panic
attack. People were noticing that I was crying and I know the guy with his back
turned to us sitting beside us was intently listening. I shared my heart with him and asked him if
this is what he truly wanted to do and was still willing to give up everything
to pursue his choice, and sadly he said yes.
He kept saying he would be home, but not yet. He kept saying he didn’t feel comfortable
there anymore. I believe he isn’t
comfortable anymore because he was caught in a lie and didn’t want to live
by our rules anymore and is filled with shame. I told him again and again that his dad and I loved him,
but we don’t and will never support what he is doing. David was getting fussy so I suggested that we
take a walk and get something to eat, so we did. We walked a couple of shops down and ate at a
burger place. We sat outside this
time. We talked more and he kept saying
that he didn’t want to come home because he said my husband threaten him. I told him to stop it and he knew that wasn’t
true. I told him how heartbroken his dad
is and how much he has cried and misses him. When I was telling him those
things J.J. teared up. My heart was absolutely
breaking. There was a lot of awkward silence and you
can tell neither one us was comfortable.
He kept asking me what time it was and how he hoped we would have been
able to sit and talk like we did just a few days before. It is crazy how things can change in such a
short amount of time. David was getting
fussy again and I didn’t know what else to say, but I didn’t want to leave
because I didn’t want to say goodbye. I
knew I had to so I got up, he walked me to the sidewalk and he hugged me
tight and I him. We told each other that
I love you. He kept hugging me and
wouldn’t let go, but he finally did and at that moment it felt like he took my heart
with him. Oh how it hurt to walk
away. I pushed David in his stroller to
the car weeping the whole time. I sat in
my car crying and praying. When I was
able to wipe my eyes enough to start the lonely journey home I started to pull
out and out of the corner of my eyes I saw J.J. sitting outside of the
Starbucks watching me. He looked so sad
and I just wanted to grab him and take him home, but I couldn’t so I kept on
going. I had to pull it together because
I had my precious grandson in the car who kept asking, "where J.J. go." You can tell his little heart was hurting as
well. He and J.J. are buddies. He has already been missing my two youngest
daughters Sydney who is 14 and Sarah who is 11.
They are in Springfield Missouri visiting their oldest sister Stephanie. I made it home and Joe my son-in-law was home
and put little David to bed. I called my
husband Joe and told him how it went. I
know he was hoping that J.J. wanted to come home. I keep thinking that I should have just told
him to come home and made him, but I know I couldn’t have. This is my baby boy, my only son, my heart
and he is gone. I will no longer get to
see him every day. In about a
month we were supposed to drop him off at college and say see you later, but no
that’s not how it happened, he left on his own and I have no clue where he
is. The evening and night was hard. I kept fighting thoughts of despair and was
praying with my every breath. My eyes
were so swollen from crying that I took some allergy medicine in hopes it would
help. My husband and I couldn’t sleep so
there we were lying in bed talking everything through. Joe said a prayer and we eventually fell
asleep. I didn’t sleep well, our bedroom
is right next to his so every little sound I would wake up hoping it was him,
but it wasn’t. "God still holding to hope. Please give J.J. a spiritual hug for me and remind him that he is loved."
No comments:
Post a Comment