Friday, July 1, 2016

Where's God

Day 5
Morning came early.  I was hoping to sleep in because my daughter Shannon had the day off, but I laid there not wanting to face the day.  My husband sent me a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, Something Beautiful.  That blessed my heart and gave me strength to get out of bed.  I then went on Youtube and started praising God and praying for my son.  I felt peace and even had a little smile.  The song, "Ever Be", by Aaron Shust has been playing in my mind, especially the verse, “Your praise will be ever on my lips, ever be on my lips, I will sing praise, I will sing praise,” so I looked it up and was singing it in my heart.  A friend of mine Wendy, my daughter, and David were planning to go see the movie Finding Dory at 11:25am.  As Shannon and I were sitting in the front room the front door flew open and in walked J.J.  Oh how my heart leaped with Joy thinking he’s home, he’s home, he’s home, but he quickly said that he came to get his things.  Rip, there went another piece of my heart.  He hurried to his room and started scooping things into his college hamper bag, grabbed his pillow and started collecting some of his art work he was working on.  He told me he took the bus here and I wasn’t sure how he was going to take all of his things with him.  He has a replacement Fitbit come in the mail and he kept asking for it.  I had my daughter text Joe, so he knew that J.J. was getting his things.  He called and asked to talk to our son.  Joe talked to J.J., I wish I could have heard what he said to him.  I heard bits and pieces though.  He had his laundry bag packed and again asked for his Fitbit, so I gave it to him.  He was in such a hurry.  David kept trying to get his attention, he was so excited to see his Uncle J.J.  As J.J. was finishing getting his things my husband called and told me not to let him take anything and I said, “What good would that do?”  J.J for some reason took his blanket out of the bag and put it back on his bed. He ended up leaving his drawings, then he walked out the door.  I followed him out and told him that he didn’t need to go.  He kept saying he would be back but not right now.  I don’t know if he meant it or was saying that to ease my heart.  He gave me another big tight hug and then started to walk away. David who is two ran after him calling J.J.  J.J. stopped and looked down at him and David looked up staring at his uncle.  Shannon came and got David and away J.J. went.  I wanted to chase after him, but I knew I couldn’t do anything to make him stay.  With gut wrenching sobs I came inside and just fell on the coach.  You could tell Shannon was hurting and so was little David.  I know he feels the tension and  he misses his uncle.  It was time to go to the movie.  I had to get out of the house because the walls felt like they were closing in.  We went to the movie which helped, but J.J. was still on my heart.  The movie was over and we came home.  My husband came home early and I heard the door and heard a man’s voice so I came running from the kitchen thinking it was J.J. and he had come home, but it wasn’t him.  Joe asked me why I came running to the door and I just fell into his arms and we both cried.  The rest of the day I have been battling hard and kept having panic attacks, thoughts of what if’s and I should have started plaguing my mind again.  I haven’t cooked dinner at all this week, so I started beating myself up saying that I was a bad mom.  The walls kept closing in on me, so I ended up going to Wendy’s to get dinner thinking the ride would help, but all along I kept thinking that I wouldn’t be buying J.J. dinner so what was he going to eat, and then my mind started going down memory lane.  My heart grew heavier and heavier and I found myself in a complete panic.  Joe and everyone else went to bed early so I sat in the front room trying to calm myself down, but it didn’t work.  I took a hot shower, but that didn’t help either.  I found myself rocking back and forth singing, “Your praise will forever be on my lips….” Over and over. I felt so alone and felt as God had abandoned me.  I felt like I was being punished for all the bad decisions I had made.  I was becoming desperate and even thoughts about going to the hospital came to my mind. I grabbed my cell phone and posted that I was having a break down on the praying group I am in and that I needed prayer for peace for myself and J.J. to feel God’s presence.  Not even a minute went by where people responded and as I sat there and watched prayers come my way the panic eased and I felt better.  I decided to come and write down my thoughts, so I could get them out.  Someone from the group messaged me and encouraged me.  I guess my daughter Shannon was having a hard time sleeping too, because she sent me a video that made me smile a little.  My heart is still heavy and my eyes are swollen, but I know that my son and I are being held up in prayer. “God I know You can hear my every cry and I know Your there.  Please let me feel your presence and calm my heart.  I pray that You meet J.J. right where he is and that he will feel Your presence also.  I pray that You break down his pride and fill his head with Your truth and replace the lies that the world is telling him.  God show Him the way back.  God I really don’t know what to pray.  My mind feels like it is in a fog and my entire body feels heavy, God give my heart and body rest.  Be with all those who love J.J. that their hearts will be comforted too.  Be with little David and calm his heart.  God guide me and my husband on what we should do and give us the strength to do so.  Bring people in my son’s life to speak Your truth to him and take him away from those who fill his head full of lies.  God bring him back to You and quickly.  Thank you God for the prayers of many, watch over them and theirs as well.  Be with my girls who are away and prepare their hearts so when they come home to find their brother no longer here that they will be comforted.  God I pray for Your prefect will and to find peace in my heart.”

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