The Condition of the Heart

Yesterday was a day full of mixed feelings for me.  My son J.J. had his annual heart examination as well as his 3yr heart checkup in which they would have to run many test.  J.J. was born with a heart defeat and we have been watching it ever since.  He has avoided surgery so far and we are hoping that he can avoid it as long as possible.  When he was younger there was not much they could do as far surgery to fix it, it was more of watch and see.  As advancements in technology there is now a surgery that can fix it. As they were running the test I sat there anxiously waiting to hear the results.  I was watching his heart beat on the screen as they did an ultrasound and was praying that everything would be ok.  I saw the two flaps in his value (he should have three) open and close as the blood pumped in and out I thanked God for his life.  J.J. has been able to live a normal life for the most part with some minor precautions. 

Even though J.J. just turned 16yrs old I pictured him as he lay there on the table as a little boy.  I remember the day we first found out that he had a heart defect.  It was like a blow to my heart.  As the words came out of the doctors mouth my heart sank, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and my mind filled with worry.  That day I held his little body in my arms as I rocked him and prayed to God begging Him to let J.J. live.  This morning J.J. got his drivers permit.  Thank you God for his life. There was a time I wondered if that day would come.

Hours past and several test more.  Finally the last test. It was an exercise stress test.  For this one I wasn’t able to go back with him.  I was to wait in the examination room until he returned and that is where we would find out the results of the test. During that time many thoughts crossed my mind.  I reflected on my daughter Stephanie who just had two heart surgeries to have a pacemaker put in.  I thought about this lady I know who lost her child as a baby due to a heart defect.  As I was reflecting my heart grew from worry to thankfulness.  God has been so good to my children.  He has blessed them with life.  Just writing this I am crying because God chose to allow them to still be here.  I couldn’t imagine my life without any one of my children.

 After about 45mins J.J. came back to the room, however he had on scrubs.  I guess during the stress test they plugged his nose and had him only breathe through a tube to reproduce labored breathing.  After a half hour of going full force J.J. couldn’t take it anymore and when he stop the exercise he became really sick and threw up and his nose started bleeding a lot, so they gave him some scrubs to wear.  He was beat red which always happens when he works out a lot because of the increased blood flow he has.  Five minute past and the doctor and her assistant came in.  She started to go over the results.  My heart was now pounding with anticipation and to be honest I was a little fearful of what she would say.  She said that for the most part things looked good.  She did say that there is some thickening of the heart walls which is normal for his condition, that the flaps are not leaking, or sticking.  She said that he doesn’t have to have surgery yet, that things still surprisingly looks good.  She was concerned about the nose bleeds he keeps having and the chest pain he gets when he over exerts himself, but all in all the results were good.  She said that he can continue to live the normal life that he has been living with the same few restrictions he has to follow.  She said that she wanted him to come back in two years in which he will be 18yrs old and they will start transitioning him to the adult clinic.  This gave me an instant whirlwind of emotions.  I was so thankful that he has made it to 16yrs old and that him becoming an adult was coming true, Thank God for that.  However, my little boy is growing up.  He is such a wonderful young man, full of life, love for others and talented in so many ways.  I know God has great things planned for him.

Over the past several months with my daughter Stephanie and my son J.J.’s heart issues God has shown me such mercy.   God holds each of our hearts in His hands.  Every day we wake up is a gift of life. God is so amazing and is the definition of love.  Not only does he care about us physically but he cares about our heart’s condition.  Each of us whether or not we were born with a physical heart defeat or not were born with a heart condition.  There is a God shaped hole in each of our hearts that only God can fill.  I don’t know about you but I have tried to fill that hole with so many other things besides God.  The moment I chose to fill that hole with God was that moment my heart was complete and started to truly beat for the first time.  At that moment I was alive.  God came so we can have life, but it is our choice if we accept it.  We can choose His love and the fact that He died for our sins or not.  However, the only way we can have true life is if we choose to believe that and to accept His love. 

It doesn’t end there, we can choose to believe in Him and what He did for us, but do we choose to follow Him and allow Him to continually fill that void.  I wish the moment we believed we would never have to fill that void again, but unfortunately we are human and think we can venture off and face life alone.  I don’t know how many times I decided to take on life myself before even considering that God has it.  The moment we choose to step away from His presence is the moment that that God shaped hole in our heart is exposed.  God makes everything complete and when we choose to walk with Him our problems don’t go away but become worth it. 

In the middle of writing this I had to leave to take the kids to school and in my mind the song “Change My Heart oh Lord” played reminding me how much I need God to change my heart. 

Change my heart oh God,
make it ever true.
Change my heart oh God,
may I be like You.

This is my prayer to have the heart of God. 

Today whatever the day brings I pray that we allow God to fill our God shaped hole completely.  May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May the Peace of the Lord be With you,

Trish Iiams

Memories

Memories

 

I remember when I was little and adults would say how old they were and I would think “wow that’s old.” Well, today I’m that old. Birthday’s tend to do a few things to me besides more grey hair as the older I get, they make me reflect on the past, be thankful for the now, and refocus for the future. Today went by as any other day besides birthday wishes from friends and family. I spent the day at a doctor’s appointment for my daughter Samantha to check on her heart because her primary pediatrician heard a murmur.  Thank heavens everything turned out good.  My sweet daughter took me out for lunch for my birthday; I dropped her off at work and went home.  My parents called and offered to get my two youngest girls, Sydney and Sarah from school for me so I took a nap, boy was that needed.  Later that evening we all went out to dinner.

 It was a nice day, but that night when I tried to sleep a time capsule of memories opened up and pictures of the past flashed through my mind.  I was overwhelmed with various emotions as one by one pictures of my past played.  Pictures of my childhood, my children, friends gone and I thought forgotten, my pets, you name it there they were there.  So many memories flooded my mind some precious memories and some of deep wounds that never truly healed.  Hours had gone by and still they kept coming.  With each tick of the clock a different picture, a different memory. Muffled sounds of laughter and tears echoed in my thoughts. There I laid silently in my bed with tears streaming down my face.

I got up and went to check on my kids as they slept.  I went back to bed and prayed. I thanked God for the memories and cried with Him.  What a sweet moment.  I prayed to wake up different and to be able to live more for Him.  I watched faces appear one by one and silently prayed for them.  Faces of those I dearly loved and lost like my younger brother Matthew, oh how I miss him. As his face appeared I reach out for him. Of course he wasn’t there but I sure do wish I could have given him a hug.  I also saw faces of people who hurt me deeply and of those I hurt.  There were times in my memory where I couldn’t remember.  Those were times of deep pain where I turned my heart off.  How amazing is God to give me some of those memories back.  I saw each of my children come into the world again and remembered holding them for the first time all over.  Oh, how precious to see their little faces, their hands, and little toes.  I watched them quickly grow up.

I was also reminded of opportunities missed and times of great regret.  Times of great accomplishments, fear, hope, joy, and sorrow.  I saw myself watching the world go by as I sat silently felt invisible to the world around me.  Everywhere I lived I saw again as if I was taking a tour of each home.  The detail was amazing, the sounds, the smells, and the feelings flooded all my senses.

Various songs played as sweet melodies danced to various tunes that I once loved. Songs that made my heart leap and a smile, yet others again brought tears to my eyes. The clock continued to tick on by. After a while the thought is this what it like to have your life flash before your eyes and for a moment feared I would die and felt as if I did I was ready to go.  Slowly I slipped off to dreamland where my dreams continued live on.  When I woke up I thanked God for the walk down memory lane.  What a wonderful gift from God.

With every memory I saw where God was. He was with me with each laugh, fearful moment, every heartache, times of pain, and with each tear.  He was right by my side.  He never left even when I walked away from Him.  He was there all those years of trying to be prefect so I would earn His love.  He was there all the time.  His promise was and is true.  He promised to never leave me or forsake me. He never judged me, He just loved me.

As I sit here writing this my heart is full of love and thanks.  I know this is the day after my birthday, but I do have a wish and that is if you don’t know God as your personal Savior than I pray you meet Him. He is there waiting for you.  He loves you and all He asks if that you repent and believe in His name.  That He died for your sins so that you are forgiven.  Trust in His name and reach out to Him. He has His hands out ready to take yours.  When you do accept Him things won’t be perfect but somehow better, because you are not alone and don’t have to walk through this world alone any more.

My other wish is that in some way I have touched your life in a positive way and made a difference.  If I have ever offended in any way I am sorry. Please forgive me.  I love each of you and keep you in my prayers.  I pray that your heart will be blessed and that today will be the beginning of the rest of your life.  Let go of the past, cherish the memories and move forward.  Trust me everything no matter how dark they might look right now will be ok.  Just keep taking one step forward even if you lose your footing and take a couple of steps back.  Your life is worth it and so are you.  Stay strong and keep holding on because there is hope and that hope is found in God.

With Love, Trish

The Day After Tragedy

The Day after Tragedy

 

Yesterday as tragic as it was I was encouraged by the people there.  In the midst of the bombs going off people ran to it and helped those in need.  As much evil there is in the world I have to believe that there is as much if not more good in the world.  I was watching the images and I saw a number of people without their shirts and at first I thought it was odd but then I realized that these people took the shirts off their own backs to help those in need.

This world is bombarded with attacks on the innocence and each and every time others stand up against the evil, people come together, and some sacrificed their own safety and sometimes lives to help others.   Yes, there is evil in this world, but when push comes to shove people come together regardless of beliefs, religion, race, and political views. United we stand.

On our way to drop the kids off to school I was able to talk to my kids again about what happened yesterday in Boston.  We had a chance to pray for those fighting for their lives and those grieving.  My heart was touched by the tenderness of theirs.  We talked about the evil in this world and we talked about the good as well.  We talked about how we will not live in fear and that our greatest weapon against evil is prayer. The statement was brought up that no one can take our prayers away from us, and no one can take away what we keep good inside us. We talked about how tragedy can united others and how good can come out of something so bad. We talked about God and the love He has for us.  It was a good talk.

I never want my children to live in fear, but I want them to stand strong and live their life.  Sydney my 11yr old daughter said, “it is like we are in God’s army and we need to fight back with our prayers for others.”  That is so true and so bold of a statement.  It is up to us to come together united in prayer and fight against the evils of this world.  When we our united we are stronger.  I will stand proud to be in the army of God and I will fight against the evil in this world and pray for a nation, a world, a people to come to know Christ as their personal Savior. 

My heart and prayers continue to go out to those hurting and in need.  My prayers will continue for justice, for a world to come together and fight for what is right, and for my children to never live in fear.

Boston Our Prayers Are With You

Boston Our Prayers Are With You

 

As I was sitting listening to the news my daughter Sarah asked me why would someone do that and all I could tell her that there is only one word to describe what happened today in Boston and that is “EVIL.” I had to tell her that there is evil in this world and there are people who do evil things.  Sydney turns and say “Is there anywhere in this world that is safe.” Oh, my poor little girl, I thought in my mind.  I don’t want her to live in fear.  We started to talk more and I had to tell her that yes there is evil in this world and bad things can happen at any time, but you can’t live in fear.  I told her that we have to put our trust in God.  God knows and He loves us.  We live in a world that is uncertain but God is in control.  I had to explain to her that we may not understand why God allows things like this, but I know that God can turn this tragedy in to something good.  I told her that “no, we can never replace the lives that were lost and take away the pain and fear of those hurt, but God can turn our Ashes into beauty.”  I told her that we will continue to live our life and not live in fear but we will stand strong and continue to trust in God. Sydney than asked what can we do to help and I told her we can pray.

My heart and prayers go out to those affected by this tragic event.  To those who were injured, to the loved ones of those hurt, to the families of those who lost their life, and those still fighting for their lives know that the prayers of a nation are with you.  Let us remember that we are “one Nation under God.” There is one thing that I know to be true about America is when tragedy strike America Unites.  America may be diverse in so many ways, but it is a nation that stands together when we are attacked.

There is one way we can unite and that is to give comfort to those in need. 

When tragedy strikes people need comfort.  2 Corinthians says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.”

In times of sorrow and tragedy Christ wants to give comfort to the hurting. His love eternal and His love never dies. The presence of Christ brings peace to the troubled, hope to the hopeless and strength to the weak.

The Greek word for comfort literally means “to come alongside and help.” Comfort does not remove our sufferings but it does bring us strength, encouragement and hope. When we go through hard times, Christ comes by our side and helps us.

Life is uncertain. One moment you can be living out your greatest dream and the next you could be taken from this world. No one knows what tomorrow holds but you can know who holds tomorrow. Christ stands by your side, no matter what the day brings and offers you help, healing and hope.

When tragedy strikes people need hope.  On this eve of such sadness and fear turn to the one that comforts and the one who gives hope.  Isaiah 41:10 – “Don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you. I will support you.”  As I told my daughter we will stand strong and not live in fear, but we will continue to trust in God.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever and His promises are not fleeting but eternal. He has promised to never leave us or forsake us.  Let us cling to our Savior and stand together as a nation, give comfort to those who are hurting, and stand for justice.

  “I pledge Allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.”

The Love of Easter

As a family we have been watching the Bible Series every Sunday evening and it has brought up many questions for my two youngest children.  If you really think about it they are taught from a young age in Sunday school Bible stories.  The difference is in Sunday school many times it is watered down or made to be softer than it really is.  Don’t get me wrong I am thankful for all the Sunday school teachers and the many lessons they have taught my children growing up.  I am guilty of the same thing.  However, watching the Bible series as a family has opened many conversations about God and Bible times.  Especially this last episode where it was about the birth of Jesus and this coming Sunday will be about the crucifixion and resurrection of our Lord and Savior.  All of my children believe in the death and resurrection and each have a personal relationship with Him, but I have to ask do they really understand the gravity of what really happened to Him?  Putting the kids aside do we truly understand and know how much He suffered for each of us.  Do we really understand why?

A number of years ago a friend and I were watching “The Passion of the Christ” and it came to the part where they were whipping Jesus and pieces of His flesh were being ripped off him with each blow.  In the middle of the theater I stood up and yelled as loud as I could “Leave Him alone!!!”  I have heard the story of the crucifixion and the moments leading up to it many times, but when I saw it on the big screen it gave it a whole new meaning.  The one thought that kept going through my mind was at any moment He could have stopped it but He let them spit on Him, call Him names, torture Him, and kill Him. The question is why?  Well the question is answered with one word and it is “love.”  Love kept Him on that cross.  He loved us so much that He gave His life freely so that we could be forgiven and would be able to live with Him for all eternity.  He could have made all of us believe but He gives us the choice.

I remember one Sunday I was teaching about Easter and the moments leading up to Christ’s resurrection and one of the girls asked “why would He go through so much pain and die for what, our sins; being that He is God couldn’t he make everyone love Him?”  I said yes, He could have, but it is like this, I am a mom and I could tell my kids to say that they love me and demand that they love me, but I would rather them be willing and because they truly love me to tell me that they love me.  I don’t want my kids to love me because they have to, but because the want to.  God is God and He can make us do anything if he truly wanted to, but because He loves us so much He gave us the freedom of choice, so we can choose to love Him and believe in Him because we want to and we really do not because we are made to.  As a parent there is no greater feeling than when my kids of their free will come up to me and say I love you.

As much as I love my children my love for them is nothing compared to how much God love His children; us those who believe in Him.  He will do anything and has in order for us to return to Him someday when we leave this life.  He also wants to be a part of our lives while we are still here on this earth.  Trust me I have had life with Him and without Him part of it.  Life may not be easier because He is in my life but I promise you it has been easier to bear.

The Easter holiday is filled with fun traditions, with Easter eggs, candy, the Easter bunny, and so on, but if you think about it what is the true meaning of why we celebrate Easter to begin with?  Don’t get me wrong I love dying eggs with my kids and watching their faces lite up as they see their Easter baskets, but I wish that they could have the same reaction when they hear the story of how Christ died and rose again.

Over the years I have lost loved ones and I know many others who have lost loved ones as well.  Feeling the loss of someone so close to you is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through.  The only peace I have is the hope that Christ has given me when He died on the cross for the forgiveness of all mankind.  John 3:16 says it all. For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son that whoever believes Him shall not parish but with have eternal life.  So the comfort I find is that the parting I have with those loved and lost are only but a moment in time.  Because of Christ giving His life so we can live gives me comfort that I will see them again.  What a blessing to have that assurance.

This Easter take the time to reflect on what Christ truly did for us and share it with those you love. The fact of the matter is that Christ did suffer and die on the cross for the forgiveness of our sins so that we will never have to be apart from Him. The fact of the matter is He was buried and rose again which is why we can have the hope and assurance in a future with God as our personal Savior.

I know that there are those who will chose not to believe and that is their right, but my prayer is that you will know in your heart that there is a God that loves you enough to die for you.  I pray that you will come to know God as your personal Savior and have a relationship with Him.  The reason we celebrate Easter is because of His resurrection. There is nothing in this world that is more powerful than the Risen King and the power of His Grace.

 

 

 

A Time for Everything

This morning I am in tears.  My heart is full of so many emotions.  My mother has been in the hospital for several days due to back surgery, my second oldest daughter Shannon is getting ready to go clear across the country on a mission trip to Romania, and my third daughter  Samantha is getting ready to graduate here in a couple of months.  So many things on the verge of great change and I have so many mixed emotions to go along with them.  My heart is sorrowful to see my mom in pain and nerves for the future, my heart is proud for my daughter Shannon as she embarks on a great adventure serving those children in the orphanage in Romania, but I already miss her and I am trying not to focus on the what if’s.  What about my daughter Samantha getting ready to graduate high school and start living her life as an adult, I am happy and proud for her but yet again letting go is so hard.  All my children are growing up.  I can’t believe that my oldest daughter Stephanie is already married.  She has lived away from home for 4yrs now, but my heart still misses her.  This is strange time in my life.  Half the time I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster as I try to let go.

I have spent the majority of my children’s lives as a stay home mom and have invested so much time and my heart into each of my 6 kids.  It seems like time has just flown by.  A part of me wants to reverse time and start all over again with each and every one of them.  As a parent we can only do the best we can with what we have.  As I look back over the years I see so many mistakes I have made as a mom and see how I could have been there for the more and spent more time with them instead of all the time I wasted on so many things that really wasn’t as important as my children.  However, we as parents are growing up right along with our kids.  I know I can’t be too hard on myself, because I am not perfect, but I am thankful that I have a prefect God that has been there with me as I was trying to raise my children in the right way.

As my parents are getting older and as I watch their health quickly deteriorate, I find myself reflecting on my childhood.  I find myself becoming more of a caregiver for them.  I wish I could say that I am facing this idea gracefully but I can’t.  The thought of this scares me something terrible.  I am finding myself in a whirlwind of emotion.  I hate to see them get older and to see them hurt.  I am so unsure on how to approach these remaining years of my parents’ lives. 

I am waiting for my real estate’s license to get processed and to get to work.  This too is an exciting but scary time for me.  I have focused so many years on my family and now that the kids are getting older I can start focusing on myself.  It has been an amazingly crazy life so far.  Though this time in my life seems to be a time of much change I know that God is in control.  I wish there was a pause button so I could just sit back and take a breath though. 

 Ecclesiastes 3 says it so well, there is a time for everything;

 There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

 a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

 a time to search and a time to give up,

    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 a time to tear and a time to mend,

    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 a time to love and a time to hate,

    a time for war and a time for peace.

So whatever season I find myself in, I have peace knowing that God is there with me and will continue to do so.  Whatever season you may find yourself in know that God still loves you and will be there to comfort you, to guide you, and to give you strength. 

I am so thankful to know that I will never be truly alone and that no matter what season I find myself in God can and will give me peace.

“Dear Father in Heaven, thank you for everything and for being with me in every season of my life.  Please God give me strength as I face so many unknowns ahead of me.  Please lead me and guide me along the way.  Help me not to focus so much on the what if’s and the what could have been.   Please let me be able to learn from the past and not dwell it. Help me to be able to not worry about tomorrow but to lean on you to guide me through. Dear God, please comfort my spirit and give peace to my heart as life continues to march on.  Give me strength to face whatever comes my way.   Most of all help me keep my eyes on you, to always be thankful and find the good in every situation.  Amen”

The Little Old Lady and the Hummer

The other day I saw this really small framed little old lady driving through the store parking lot in a Hummer.  When I first saw the hummer I had to take a second glance because it looked like there wasn’t anyone behind the wheel. This little old lady was so small, her hands where stretched above her head and all you could see was a wrinkled hunched over old lady peeking through the wheel.  She parked it and I so wanted to see how she was going to get down.  I wish I would have stopped and watched to see how she did, but I was in a hurry.  However the picture of that little old lady driving that hummer wouldn’t leave my mind.  At the beginning of the New Year I chose a word to represent my New Year resolution and I chose Fearless.  That doesn’t mean live my life carelessly and so crazy doing dangerous things it simply means to Trust God and live for God in whom He called me to be, to live fearless and step out in faith.  I hate to say it but I have not lived very fearlessly but in some ways I have lived cowardly as I try to stay in my comfort zone and keep trying to control the outcome of my life.  I found great comfort thinking about that little old lady in the hummer.  She definitely was living fearlessly.  She didn’t make excuses, she simple believed she could.  Sometimes in life our problems seem too big and we see no way we could possibly to face them.  I don’t know about you but I tend to size up the problem and then look at my limitations and say I don’t think I can.  Well, to be truthful I can’t, that is I can’t by myself.  Instead of sizing up the problem and looking at my limitations maybe I should put my focus on a BIG GOD.  That little old lady could barely see over the wheel but let me ask you a question who was controlling the steering wheel? Was it her feeling her way as she drove or could it be her letting God take the wheel and having faith in a Big God knowing He will lead her safely to where she needed to go.  I know this is a stretch comparing an little old lady driving a hummer to life, but as I look at it I could be like that little old lady and overcome my short comings (sorry was not meant to be a pun), live life trusting in a Big God and letting Him take the wheel or choosing to sit at home afraid to live my life letting it pass by.  I want to live boldly and live fearlessly for God.  The choice is up to you as well, what do you chose?  I am thankful for seeing that little old lady in the hummer and I pray that when I start to fear or have doubt that I will be reminded of how despite her obvious limitations she still chose to live and to be fearless.  I will pray the same for you.  So live today boldly and fearlessly for God and take the step of faith God has been calling you to take.