Lemons or Lemonade

 

Life tends to throw curve balls now and then and as the saying goes when it rains it pours.  At the moment I am sitting here in a daze numb with being overwhelmed with life’s happenings.  Things have been piling on with one thing after the other.  At times I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say I quit, enough already and then out of nowhere a sense peace comes over me.  Just when I think I had enough God reminds me He is still there.  In this life it is so easy to focus on the negative that we tend to forget who is in control.  I know in life that everything happens for a reason and God will use everything for good and a greater purpose.  I know this, but still it is hard to go through.  I can look back at other times in my life when I was ready to say I quit and I can see how God was working it all out.  Don’t get me wrong when I say I quit, it doesn’t mean life; it simply means I had enough of the situation. 

Life is a crazy thing, we are here living and time goes by so fast that if we don’t pay attention it slips right through our grasp.  There are so many changes going on in my life right now, but in some places I seem stuck.  It is kind of like that movie “Groundhog Day” He keeps waking up and everyday it seems to be on replay.  Life sometimes gets stuck on auto pilot and I feel like I am going through the motions.  This is one of the worst feelings there is.  I don’t like being stuck, I want to be able to enjoy life, my family, and all God has to offer me. 

It is kind of funny at the moment the house is silent except for the clocking ticking in the background and our pug Molly snoring something awful.  Why is that we take life so serious at times instead of just stopping for a bit.  Life’s problems will be there after we take a breath but will somehow be more manageable.  God has taught me a lot and continues to do so.  However the one thing our relationship lacks is me not taking the time to spend with Him.  I can continue to focus on the problem, but if I don’t focus on the solution (God) than I am asking for a more stressful life.  I’m not saying if you spend more time with God everything will be prefect but you will be able to see more of His prefect will.  Life is full of choices and a choice we have is to let life bet us down or go head on and as the say take life by the horns.  We have control of one thing in life and that is our attitude and how we handle the situation.  So when life throws us lemons are you going to pucker up with the thought of it being sour and miss out on something sweet or are you going to make lemonade and enjoy

 

A Thanksgiving Prayer

Geese of a Feather Flock Together

This morning as I was driving back from taking the kids to school I saw this man quickly walking my way. He was obliviously upset and in a personal battle of some sort.  He was pounding his chest, yelling up to the sky, and was boxing the air with all his might.  My first thought was he is coming my way I need to get out of here and quick.  There was no way he was even able to get close to me but a sense of fear set in.  As he got closer I saw this man’s face.  He was definitely tormented, his eyes were full of tears and there was a look of anger on his face, but utter sorrow was upon his face as well.  My attitude of fear soon changed to sorrow.  What could have happened to this man that sent him into full out personal battle that made his emotions so real and violent with passion?  

The light turn green and I drove off, but this drive home was different.  Everywhere I looked I saw people, not just the person but their faces, their eyes, and felt their pain.  What the heck, was my first thought, what is going on?  It was as if time slowed down and as I passed each person I got a glimpse of their soul.  It was a little overwhelming and to be honest a bit frightening, but in a strange way comforting. The comfort I felt is hard to describe.  It was not a sense of all is good but a peace and a sense of connection.  I believe God allowed me to see their heart and then to be able to pray for each of them.

This world is full of people hurting and going through the motions of the everyday.  Putting on their mask walking around this world with a fake smile on their faces and hiding their true emotions, because really who would understand and who really would care?   I know this to be true because many times I do the same thing myself.  I put on my mask, shove my emotions deep inside and go about my day.   I am lucky though, I truly do have people in my life that care about me and who would be there for me. They pray for me and always are willing to lend an ear to listen.  Think about it though not everyone has someone.

There was a stretch of road where strangely I didn’t pass anyone.  As I was driving I noticed a flock of geese flying in a V-formation and was reminded of the story behind why they fly that way.  The strongest of the flock starts out in the front and the weakest in the back. As the geese fly and with each flap of the wings causes an up draft that helps the geese in back fly easier. By flying in V-formation, the whole flock adds at least 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own. Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to go it alone and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front. When the lead goose gets tired, he rotates back in the wing and another goose flies point and the next goose takes the lead. These geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed. Finally, when a goose gets sick, or is wounded, and falls out, two geese fall out of formation and follow him down to help and protect him. They stay with him until he is either able to fly or until he is dead, and then they launch out on their own or with another formation until they catch up with their group.

 

As silly as it sounds these geese have figured out something important and that is that they are better together and that they need each other. They help, encourage, and support one another. The fact of the matter is we need one another. It is harder to go it alone in life.

When I walked into my house my heart was heavy for those faces I passed on my way home. I didn’t know what else I could do for them except pray. There so many people I know that are hurting right now in many different ways. There are some mourning the loss of another, others suffering from pain physically, emotionally, and mentally. Many are having financial hardships, health problems, and family issues. Everyone is struggling with something. With that knowledge why do we not reach out to someone else? We were not put here on this earth to be alone. Each of us goes through something in our life that can help someone else and where we can understand the pain they are experiencing. We need one another. Life is too short so show concern, love, and friendship to someone else. We are not guaranteed tomorrow so help put a smile on someone else’s face today.

Why spend today with worry about tomorrow? Everyday make a memory don’t waste the day on the could have been, what could be, or the what if’s. Reach out to someone and offer a smile, a prayer, a helping hand.

A Moment In Time

A Moment in Time

There is a moment in time where time stands still.  All that can be heard is the voices of the past running through my mind. The sounds of laughter that brings smiles to my sole, the sound of tears as hearts were crushed, and the sounds of little voices saying I love you.  Smiling little faces looking at me as they grow up right before my eyes flash through my mind. Moments of regrets, triumphs, sorrow and joy fill my heart.  I had to have regrets to know the triumphs and sorrow to know joy. I have made mistakes and there were so many things I wanted to do and to teach. I see them struggle as they figure out life. My children are my heart and soul. But, there is a moment time where it stands still as reflections of the past flow like a sweet lullaby in my mind. Where did the time go? Moments a heartache and fear set in for a while as I see the pain I caused and the disappointments they faced.  Oh if I could change things I would.  I never intended to hurt, but there were times I was hurting too. I see their tears on their sweet little faces.  There were moments in time I wish I could replace. Oh, that moment in time where it stands still full of those haunting memories. Reflection, conviction, worries, and prayers all have become notes to the melody of life. Oh that moment in time.  If only I could erase, rewind, pause, but no. If I could take that moment in time to change or to relive would I?  There is also a sweet, sweet song that echoes in my mind of the life they brought into my heart, the joy, the laughter we shared. Oh those are the moments in time that I wish would stay still. I see reflections of myself in them good and bad, for I am their mother. The love I have for my children no words can describe. My heart swells full of pride, joy, a hope as I think of them. My only wish is that they are happy, healthy, and know the love of God, for He loves them more than I could ever imagine or conceive.  As I pounder the love I have for my children I think was there a moment in time that stood still for Him? With tears in my eyes I know the answer is yes. That moment He hung on the cross for my sins, my children’s sins, your sins, and all the sins of all, time stood still because of love, His love for us. The power of love can stop time even just for a moment. A moment to reflect, to pounder or just to marvel. There is a moment in time where time stands still. Enjoy the time you have with them and fill it with love a sweet memories.

Trish Iiams

The Brick

One by one I stacked the bricks each carried a lie, a crushed dream, a hurt, a pain, or sorrow.  One by one they reinforce that I am not good enough.  The wall grows higher and starts to surround me.  It keeps growing higher and higher until the sky grows dim.  It all started so innocence, with a simple word or thought.  A fake smile, a phony laugh; it meant no harm or did it? The self-doubt, the questions like am I, could I be, turned to reality. So I laid the first brick down and started a foundation of lies.  With each brick less of me was there. The thoughts that I was completely alone and that no one cared set in.  Loneliness, fear, and shame consumed me.  The question who am I became my life’s thought.  I continued to build the wall so high and completely around me until only a glimmer of light could be seen.  There I set alone, cold and afraid.  Now what? How do I get out? Does anyone notice that I am gone? As I sit alone my tears flow deep as my hearts weeps.  I try to climb out but the wall is too steep and I am not strong enough to pull myself up.  I try to dig myself out but the ground is too hard.  It is hopeless; I am stuck within my walls of lies.  I whisper “God are you there?” Just when all hope is gone I hear a faint knock coming from the outside of the wall.  At first I am no too sure if it is just the sound of my lonely heart barely beating as I struggle to stay alive or was there someone really out there. As I look up and the knocking stops. I cry out “Is someone out there, can anyone hear me?”  Just then I hear a faint voice saying “it is I.” “Who”, I say. The voice says "the one you called.” “God is it really you?” I say. “Yes, my dear child, I heard you call out to me.  What are you doing in there?” I continue to tell him how I built a wall with all the lies I have been told, the lies I have said, and the pain and sorrow I felt. He said “I know I was there trying to telling you the truth, but you wouldn’t believe me you just kept stacking the bricks.” “I’m sorry God; I thought I was strong enough to do it myself, besides those lies sounded so real.  Please help me get out.” God tells me to close my eyes; think of a lie I believe about myself, and tell Him what it was, so I do.  I shout out “I’m not good enough.” He then says “open your eyes what do you see?” I say “One of the bricks is glowing.” He tells me that on the count of three to touch the brick and that he will touch the other side at the same time I you do.  On the count of three we both touch the brick.  There is a bright light and the brick crumbles and disappears. Through that hole a sunbeam shines through. My heart starts to calm and hope sets in. I begin to cry but this time it is tears of joy, because now I know with God’s help I will get out.  One by one I tell God the lie and we both touch the brick and it crumbles and disappears.  At one point I look up and see the bricks above me shake and become unsteady.  I begin to fear that this is too much and if I continue they will all come crashing down on me.  I tell God that I don’t know if I can go on and tell him that I am afraid that they will all come crashing down on me.  He tells me everything is going to be ok and to continue to trust Him. So again we face those lies one by one.  I hear a crashing sound and see the bricks begin to fall.  I fall to my knees and cover my head awaiting the bricks to fall on me.  Next thing I know God is holding me and shielding me just as the bricks come crashing down around me.  The dust is thick and consuming, but the warmth of my Savior shielding me gives me comfort.  As the dust clears the sun is bright, the sky is clear, and the walls in down.  As I look up I See His loving face.  With tears in my I say “thank you, I am free.”  Not another word is said but He pulls me close and hugs me tight.  I know now that with God everything is going to be alright.

Mirror, Mirror

I just read an article about a girl who had plastic surgery because of bullying.  Oh how my heart aches for hers.  After reading this article I was moved and wrote a poem based on how I felt growing up.  Like her and many others I was teased.

Mirror, Mirror

Mirror, Mirror on the wall what I see I don’t like at all.  Why do you scream that I am fat, that I am ugly, and that I am flawed? Can’t you see my tears and my fears? All I want is to be beautiful, accepted and loved. When I leave your sight mirror I will still believe the lies. I will try to hide in the shadows and not be noticed by anyone in fear of hearing the taunting words that say there is something wrong with me.  In my heart I want to be accepted but that would take someone noticing me.  So I stay invisible in hopes that my heart would be spared.  Only if someone out there truly cared.  To walk around unseen, unnoticed, and unloved hurts me so.  I start to put on a mask to cover the real me in fear someone will see.  I start acting as a stranger to my soul and changing myself, my likes, my actions, my thoughts.  I try to change the way I look, so I decorate my mask more.  In my heart I am so torn. The world tells me I have to look, act, and think a certain way.  But, this is not me or who God intended me to be.  I am stuck inside a shell pounding and crying to get out.  I live in fear of the real me being seen. I walk through the crowd with me head down in shame. Inside I am crying when on the outside I put on a fake smile. What I fail to realize is that I am not alone.  There are other invisibles out there.  All walking around in the shadows all trapped behind a mask, just hoping for others to see them, to accept them, and to be loved.  Most of all that they are loved from above.  God never intended for us to feel this way.  He created us beautiful, wonderful, and with a purpose.  Oh God, let me see myself through Your eyes the way you intended me to.  Show me that I am ok, that I am beautiful, and loved. With tears in my eyes I cry to God asking for Him to show Himself to me and to set my heart free.  Free from the lies that plague my heart. I pray that He heals me and gives me a new start.  I pray that I will be able to stand tall and proud. I pray that I will be able to take off my mask as I walk through the crowd.  God made me, He loves me, and by knowing this I am better than ok.  I am a gift.  I am precious in His sight, I am seen. I am His daughter.  If God is prefect than what does that make me?  I am His handy work.  I am His creation.  I am His.  He takes pride in me.  He sets me free. I am me! So Mirror, mirror on the wall you can’t intimidate me at all.  I no longer will believe the lies.

Growing up I was teased unrelentingly. I was singled out over and over again, called hurtful names, and made to feel like something was wrong with me. I was an awkward little girl.  I came from a poor family, wore glasses, and had frizzy curly hair.  I was very shy as well.  Let’s just say an easy target.  All the way to adulthood I struggled with self-worth, self-image, and acceptance. At times I still do. 

When I was in kindergarten and all throughout grade school I remember sitting alone watching all of the other kids play and never being included. In the background I heard the laughs and the name calling.  One of my most hurtful memories was when I was in 7^th grade.  I had just transferred schools because of the teasing and others physical hurting me and it was picture day.  Oh how wonderful, the first day at my new school and it was picture day.  As we stood in line waiting to get our pictures taken I heard a voice say “Can I go before her because if she goes first she will break the camera.”  Everyone started laughing and joining in on the comments. They started pushing me and calling me names.  I was horrified.  As the tears started flowing the kids started teasing me even more.  I tried to leave but the teacher there stop me and told me to get back in line.  She heard the comments but didn’t say anything.  When it was my turn to take my picture everyone in line yelled out its ugly’s turn. Morgan the girl who started the teasing yelled out “oh great there goes the camera.”  With tears in my eyes I set there and took my picture.  Morgan from that day on made it her mission in life to make mine as miserable as possible.  

Another one of my most hurtful memories was again in Middle school.  In English class we had to give a demonstrative speech.  A girl asked if she could use me as a model on how to put on makeup.  She told me how beautiful I was and how prefect I would be for this.  At first I didn’t want to but she seemed sincere so I said yes.  In class she demonstrated how to put makeup on and at the end of her speech she said “see this is how you make a nerd somewhat presentable.”  The entire class laughed including the teacher. I got up and ran out in tears. After that I was known as Goober face.

Those are two of countless stories of teasing.  Needless to say I learned to be invisible.  Better to be not seen than to be hurt.  That alone was a life sentence of its own. I was alone, unloved, and unwanted. All I wanted was to have a friend, to be accepted, and to like myself.  My best friend was my dog Tippy.  Tippy and I would sit in my back yard chewing bubble gum together as I told him about my day. I went through life hiding from the world.

The older I became I started to change who I was to get others to like me.  I put on a mask.  I started making up stories about myself to try to impress others and it started to work.  In the process of changing myself I lost touch with who I really was.  I didn’t feel better about myself, if anything I felt worse.  They still didn’t like me for me, but they liked a make believe me.  Beside they weren’t really friends.  They were pretending as well.  Most of them hung around me and found ways to use me to get what they wanted.  I never felt truly accepted.

I hate to say it but it wasn’t until a few years ago did I come face to face with myself image.  I was in a bible study with several ladies and we had a guest speaker one night.  He singled me out and told me things I felt deep from within my heart.  He told me that I wasn’t invisible that God sees me and loves me. Oh how freeing was that moment.  After that God put it on the heart to seek out the other invisibles and share with them the same message. I started working with the youth at our church.  I would see those who thought they were invisible.  I would see these beautiful young ladies struggle with their self- image and God placed it on my heart to set up a girls retreat to show these girls who they are in Christ. I thought to myself how can I do this when I still struggle with the same thing? God didn’t let up.  My heart was breaking for these girls.  I gathered myself and mustard up enough courage and asked our youth pastor at the time if I could put on a retreat for the girls about finding out their identity in Christ.  Without hesitation he said yes.  I was so excited and so scared at the same time.  I am still shy and wasn’t sure how I was going to get up in front of these girls and talk.  God is good.  He gave me everything I needed to do this from the theme, the format, and the speakers.  It all came together despite me and the opposition I faced.

The first time I was in front of the girls I thought I was going to lose it, but God showed up and lead my every word.  One activity I had the girls do was to write down a lie that they believed about themselves without their name on it and give them to me.  A couple of ladies and I covered a picture I drew of a girl holding a mask over her face.  I took the lies one by one and read the aloud as I tore the lie in half. There were lies like I am ugly, fat, not worth it, and I wish I wasn’t even alive.  My heart broke for each and every one of those girls because they truly believed this about themselves. But every time one of those lies were ripped in half I would see the girls shell break as tears flowed from their eyes. At that moment they realized that they weren’t alone and for the first time realized that those things they wrote down on that piece of paper were indeed a lie.  As God’s truth was revealed to these girls of who they on in Christ my heart was healed as well.  How freeing was that moment for all.  Since that first retreat I have come to realize that I am not invisible and I am a beautiful creation of God made for a purpose.

Looking back on my life and the teasing I can now say that I am thankful for every negative torment sent my way.  If anything God has turned those tears of hurt into a mission for the hearts of the invisible.  I can truly understand the pain and the healing that comes with it.

“Thank you God for all the pain I have felt in my life, for all the negative comments, and all the lies sent my way.  Thank you for turning those tears of pain into a mission for the invisible.  From my hurts and tears have come new strength and a testimony of Your love. I pray that I never forget who I am in You. I pray for those who still believe the lies and struggle alone in the shadows.  Please help they come to know who they are in You as well.  Thank you for loving me and healing my heart.”

Back From Alaska

I just got back from a mission trip to Anchorage Alaska with my church and my family. It was a nice trip all my family except our oldest daughter was with us. It was a wonderful gift to see my children and husband serve. On the trip I struggled to find my purpose there. Why was I there and how could I make a difference? It was more of a simple mission trip with not a lot of hard hands on work to be done. The main focus was to help the church there with their park events. The first day we were there we rode on the bus routes to pick up kids from there homes and bring them to church. I rode on bus 2. We drove around a very poor neighborhood with not much luck as far as the kids deciding to get on the bus. In all about 12 kids got on. All but one child had no parent to come with them. Here these kids would get themselves ready for church and get on the bus by themselves. All the kids were so sweet even the more active ones. There was one girl that touched my heart, her name is Mary. She is only 5yrs old and she got on the bus by herself. Mary and I made an connection right away.

She was so sweet. For the rest of the day she followed me around and wouldn't leave my site for a minute. We drove back tot he church and played with the kids, went to service with the kids, (there VBS wrap up) and went on stage with them to sing "This Land is My Land" for their patriotic celebration. When it came time to drop her off she asked if I would be there next week. I said "no that I had to go back home." I told her that I was here on a mission trip and that I lived far away in Colorado. I told her I would miss her and keep her in my prayers. She cried and gave me a hug and said she wishes she could keep me forever and that I didn't have to leave. It was hard to say goodbye but I told her I would send her a picture and would write her. She slowly turned around as we approached her home and walked off the bus crying. I wish I could see her again and be there for her.

The next day we had some projects to do at the Bus Barn. That is where the store the buses they use to pick up children for their bus ministry. We washed the buses and did some touch up paint work to the garage.  A group went to go do some roofing.

                                                 Anchorage Baptist Temple Bus Center

     

                          My daughter Sarah painting   

                                                  My son J.J. and Katie painting

 My husband Joe driving the buses

Tuesday we had our first park event

My daugher Shannon helping make a craft with the kids

My daughter Sydney at her post on the bouncy house

As families gathered to spend time at the park I looked around and wondered how could I be a light of Christ. I made my rounds and said hi to a few people. I started talking to this lady and my husband joined in. He killed it with leading the conversation around salvation. I added to the conversation as we shared back and forth about marriage, family, and God. We introduced her to the pastor there and went our separate ways. Later at the park event I saw her again and handed her my email and asked her if it would be ok if I would keep her in my prayers. With tears in her eyes she said thank you and gave me a hug. It felt good to see her smile. The park event was coming to an end and I found myself thinking wait I haven't done anything big to make a difference. I was getting a little down. I am good at do the hard work and feel accomplished when we work hard on a project and see the end result. All it seemed I did was have a conversation here and there. I wanted to see results and make a difference.

On Weds was our free day. I was excited to be able to spend time with my family and go to an animal rescue and than on a cruise.

It was a good day. It was very cold and wet. I enjoyed the beauty and the smiles on my kids faces.

It was hard to believe that it was already Thursday. The week was going by fast. Today would be the last park event. To be honest I was hoping it would be canceled because the whole week had been cold and wet and I was feeling a little down. I wasn't feeling like I was making a difference. It seemed like I was busy just being a mom and taking care of my kids. I enjoyed spending time with everyone. I found myself having conversations with various people who was on the mission trip with me. I enjoyed those conversations. I would help out here and there when I would see something that needed to be done. Still I found myself asking why did I come.

It turned out that the park event wasn't canceled after all and the weather was nice. Again I walked around talking to various people, helped kids with different things, and enjoyed watching my family and the rest of the team interact with everyone.

My daughter Samantha making friends with the kids and their puppy

My nephew Jameson

My daughter Sarah at her post

As I was making my rounds saying hi to people I saw this family with smaller children playing on the smaller play ground. There was this little girl who was afraid to go down the slide because there were bugs on the slide so I took my hands and wiped them off. This happened over and over again. As I was helping these little kids down the slide the grandmother came over and watched. The mom came over and we started talking. I helped them earlier with getting food and giving them info about the church. It seemed like every where I went in the park I was helping one of the kids in that family. We had a good conversation. The mom had to go help one of the kids and the grandma came over. She wasn't very old so I was surprised that she was the grandma. Right away Carol started sharing her life with me. She shared that she was an alcoholic and wanted to stop drinking. She told me that she wanted to be closer to God but didn't know how. She was desperate for hope. I shared my story and about how my brother had died of alcohol. I shared how God still loved her and how He wants to have a relationship with her. I asked if I could pray for her and she said yes. I took her hand and started to pray. I poured out my heart for her in prayer. Tears came to her eyes. As I finished the prayer she thanked me. She took a couple of steps back and said "wow, when you held my hands I felt the power of God healing me." I was a little taken by that commit. All I did was pray. She continued to say that she was glad God arranged this mission trip so she could meet me. She said that I needed to be on this trip so I could pray for her and that she would be noticed. We continued to talk and she shared her life and I shared how God has a plan for her. Time stood still as we talked everything else around me disappeared. Before you knew it was time to go. The park was already cleaned up and the bouncy houses and everything was packed up. They were waiting on me. I had to close our conversation but I promised I would continue to pray for her. She asked for my email so she can stay in contact. So I gave her my email and had to run. On the bus God reminded me of my disappointment earlier in the week and reminded me that He had a plan. If I had to go on this mission trip to give love to Mary the 5yr old little girl and make her smile that alone would have been worth it. If I had to go and talk to the first lady at the park and offer prayer than that alone would have been worth it. If it was only Carol and praying with her than that alone would have been worth it. God reminded me of all the little things, all the little conversations I had through out the week, and the smiles of everyone I met. God is good. It is not always the big act of service that count the most but it is the small things, the smiles, the faces, the little sparks of hope that matter the most sometimes. God did have a plan for me to go on this trip. He did have a purpose and in small ways I did make a difference for Him. If that wasn't good enough God let me share it with my family. Thank you God for the lessons learned. Please forgive me for my doubt.

The last day in Alaska we took food to the local homeless shelter and spent the day in downtown Anchorage.  At the homeless shelter we took a tour and I met a number of people.  One gentleman I was talking with asked where we were from and who we are so i told him that we were on a mission trip and that we were from Colorado.  He said that's funny you would think there were homeless shelters in cColorado and with all the wild fires there you would thing they woud need more help.  What a different perpective.

                                                                                    A picture on the wall of the homeless shelter

All in al I learned that God has a plan and that each and everyone of us has a purpose.  I am glad that I had a chance to go to Alaska and serve with a group of wonderful people and my family.  Now to get my days and nights fixed.