Telling my Heart to Beat Again

Lately my heart has been a little sad and life has been overwhelming at times.  There have been many changes and disappointments, and to be honest it has felt like I have been being beaten to a bloody pulp.  Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I have been trying to gather all the broken pieces of my heart and glue them back together with temporary fixes.  Of course none of these temporary fixes hold and things fall apart again, but this time those pieces are covered with more build up making those pieces more difficult to put together.  I am trying to get rid of the excess by forgiving those who have hurt me, make amends with those I have hurt, and to forgive myself.  Honestly, I tend to secretly hold onto things and it is difficult for me to let go.  I also tend to bottle things up allowing my heart to harden a bit and I try to shut it off so the pains I feel in my heart doesn’t hurt as much.  The problem is after doing this for a while I feel like I am just a shell without a heartbeat.  There is this song played on many Christian music stations sung by Danny, Gokey. “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again.” 

The lyrics are:

You're shattered

Like you've never been before

The life you knew

In a thousand pieces on the floor

And words fall short in times like these

When this world drives you to your knees

You think you're never gonna get back

To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning

Just let that word wash over you

It's alright now

Love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one

Leave the darkness, feel the sun

Cause your story's far from over

And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak

And every scar

Be a picture that reminds you

Who has carried you this far

'Cause love sees farther than you ever could

In this moment heaven's working

Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Your heart to beat again

Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

Every time I hear it played it is like a defibrillator jump starting my heart.  I have had to be resuscitated before and it hurts, but you have to choose to keep living.  This morning when I was getting the kids ready for school and myself ready for the day I was feeling down and had a lot of doubts going through my mind.  I was feeling defeated.  When I looked down I saw a beaded necklace laying on the floor in the shape of a heart just coming out of the shadows in the morning light.

God is good.  He and I have a love language of our own.  I love hearts and it seems like when I am down and need some encouragement, strength, a hug, smile…… God knows exactly what I need at the time and sends me a heart.  This morning the heart came in the form of a broken beaded necklace coming out of the shadows.  I know that it sounds silly, but every time I find a heart I am reminded of God’s love for me.  To think that He knows the prefect time to send a little hug that warms my heart.

When I got in the car to take my two youngest to school the first song on the radio was, Tell Your Heart to Beat again.  Ok God, I get it, I need to start living again and allow my heart to beat again, to feel and to love freely.  I need to let go of all the things steeling the beats of my heart and start filling my heart with those things that allow my heart to beat freely.  I need to let go of the pain, the resentment, the fear, the doubt, anger, worries…..the list goes on and on.  I need to forgive not only those who hurt me but myself.  I need to turn away from those things that steal my life and joy.  I need to stand up for what is right and gives life.  Most of all I need to give my heart to God with all the broken and tattered pieces, along with all the excess build up from me trying to fix it myself.  God is the great physician however, we have to let Him have our heart so he can heal it and we have to choose to tell our hearts to be again.

“Thank you God, for never giving up on me, for always reminding me that You love me, and always giving me what I need to make it through whatever life throws my way.  Thank you for taking all the broken pieces of my heart and life and for putting them back together.  I love you with my all and thank you for every single beat of my heart.”

Coffee Blessing

 

     This morning my son JJ texted me and asked if I would pick up Starbucks on my way home since he didn’t have school today, so I did.  As I pulled up to the window to pay a beautiful young lady with the biggest smile on her and she said that the person ahead of me paid for me.  I of course was pleasantly surprised.  I decided to pay it forward as well and pay for the people behind me.  I drove away and a wave of emotions hit me.  It was like an emotional release.  Everything that I have been keeping bottled up inside all came to the surface and I started to cry.  It wasn’t little tears, but a full out sob.  Life has hit me hard lately and I have been trying to be the strong one trying to fix everything by myself.  So many changes going on in my life, health issues, my parents, my children, work, financial hardship, our van seems to be on its last leg (wheel), our house and the sewer backup, disappointments……. You name it, all came pouring out.  God knew exactly what I needed and gave it to me through a kind person paying for my Starbucks this morning.  The thought that came to my mind was, “Someone noticed me and someone cared.”  I am usually the one trying to notice others, but someone noticed me and did a simple and kind gesture that made a world of difference.  At that moment I felt like I mattered.  God once again reminded me that He hears, He sees, He listens, He knows, He cares, and most of all He loves.  Whoever this person is that paid for my coffee this morning, thank you.

“Thank you God for once again showing me that I matter and that you love me.  My burdens are heavy, but Yours is light.  Please forgive me for not trusting You enough to let You have all my burdens and for me trying to handle everything by myself.  You have always provided and always will.  Dear God, I can’t tell you how much I love and appreciate all that you do for me and my family.  Right now I am in the midst of the trials and I may not see an end, but You do.  You see the big picture and as You had me tell a friend, there is blessings in the darkness; we just may not see them.”

Hello 2016

Hello 2016

     Yesterday, I ran to the store to get a few things and there were so many people doing the same thing. As I was checking out I was lucky to get one of my favorite checkers. She has gone through so much, but always has a smile on her face and never a negative thing to say. In line we started talking about the year we had and how quickly it seemed to go by. A couple months prior I had bought a gift card to give to her. For my anniversary someone gave me a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory and I enjoyed it, so I thought I would pay it forward to someone else. I didn’t know that she had just lost someone very close to her and they were going to go to his funeral later and afterwards they were planning to go out for some dessert. I handed her the gift card and she was very thankful. I didn’t realize it until after she walked away and my daughter Sarah said, “Mom that’s funny, we gave her a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory and she was buying cheesecake,”
    
     Anyway, back to standing in line talking to her. She shared how she had lost both her dad and her Uncle to various causes, and lost three teenagers in the family due to suicide. She said that you have to love yourself and I said that I was so sorry for such loss. I also said that suicide just gives your pain to someone else and she just kept saying, so true. This broke my heart and I told her that I would pray for healing for her family. We talked a bit more as she finished checking my groceries, but she had a line of people to check out, so we said our goodbyes.


     Today is the first year of 2016 and a chance to start new. True, but in some ways this isn’t the case. Though the circumstances we may not have any control of; however, we can control our outlook. Every year I find a word that I want to represent what I want to do or change in the coming year instead of a New Year’s Resolution. I have not found my word yet, but have several that I have been throwing around. I want my word to represent change, action, and my attitude. I also want the word to represent solid results and no more sitting on the sidelines just hoping for things to be accomplished. Most of all I want to be a testimony of God’s love to others. I want to be the change. Maybe, my word should be change?


     This coming year will be full of change with all my children growing up. My son J.J. will be going off to college and yet again the dynamics of our home will be effected. I have been working on so many goals that I need to accomplish, so in many aspects I need things to change. I have some of my own actions I need to work on, so again I need change. I see many hurting and in need of change, so why couldn’t I be the change they are looking for? I’m not saying I can change their situation, but I can be a light of compassion to them. I want to make a difference in this world; I want to be a positive change in this not so caring world. If anything I want to be the light of Christ. Which brings me to another thing I need to change, and that is the time I spend with my Lord and Savior. He is the only one who can give me all I need to face this coming year and get over some things from this past year, and beyond.
     
     So, here I am the first day of the New Yew and I am going to step out in faith and say that if you don’t know God as your personal Savior than my prayer for you is that you will seek Him. He said that if you seek Him you shall find Him. He is my source of all hope and can be yours too.
I want to take the time to thank all of you who have in anyway shown me kindness, have prayed for me, and have challenged me. I pray that this New Year will be one of healing, success, and blessing to you all. I also want to say that if I have offended anyone or failed you in any way, I am sorry. If there is anything I can pray for you for this year, please let me know and I will add you to my prayers. May God bless you and keep you close always.

Love, Trish Iiams

Along Life's Road

 

Along life’s road there will be joy and tears.  Laughter and fear.  Along life’s road storms will come and go.  There will highs and lows.  Along life’s road I will find roses and thorns and when life seems to be so bleak He will be the one I seek.  Along life’s road I will walk many miles up steep mountains and through quite meadows so sweet.  I will cross hot desert sands and face oceans so deep and wide.  The best part is God sees me no matter where I try to hide.  The journey is long and at times the valleys seem to never end.  I will fall along the way and get hurt but it is God’s love that mends.  Along life’s road I will come to cliffs so treacherous and rivers flowing so swift that I wonder how will I ever make it to the other side.  Then God reminds me that He is my guide.  The cold winds will blow and the hot sun will beat me down.  There will be vast forest where the haunting silence is the only sound that can be found.  No matter where I go I will never have to walk alone because of the love God has shown.  It is a comfort to know that when life’s road becomes dreary I know that my God is always near me.  All I need to do is have a little faith and trust that God will give me the strength it takes.  God knows my heart and the journey I am about to embark.  God is the one who gives me a new start.  Jesus is right beside me every step I take.  Along Life’s road there will be times I feel as if I will break.  But no matter what it takes God will make a way and He is there to stay.  The nights may be long but the morning will come even if things look so glum.  I may be far from home and feel lost and alone but I will look to God’s love to find my way.  I will never forget God’s love is here to stay.  He will be found on every road, every path, and with me every step I take.  I will remember God never makes mistakes.  Along life’s road there will be lessons to learn, even when the hot winds burns as the winding roads turn.  God is there showing me the way through the cold dark nights and through the bright blinding sun of the day.  Again, I will never forget that no matter where I go I will never walk alone.  He is found on every trail and in every star that shines even if it’s faint.  He is in the thunder and lightning that lights up the landscapes He paints.  Jesus knows my joys, sees every struggle, and catches every tear that falls.  He knows my heartaches, my dreams, and is there when I call.  He is there to give me strength and to walk with me the lengths.  He will walk with me the distance even though my heart will fail.  He never grows weary and times He will have to carry me along trail. He has promised to never leave me or forsake me and He will make my pathway clear. He will lead me and guide me and I will no longer have a reason to fear.  No matter where I find myself along life’s road He is there.  He hears, He sees, He knows, He answers, and He cares.

 

Trish Iiams 2/3/2015

The Word for 2015



I made a decision a few years ago to stop making New Year’s resolutions. Every time I did I would end up falling short and would be hard on myself. I have decide instead of making a resolution I would choose a word for the year. The word would represent what I wanted to work on in my life or a way I want to live. Last year was Focus. The reason I chose “Focus” was in this chaotic world it is easy to lose focus or focus on things that just take away joy or distract one from what is really important. I wanted to focus on growing my faith and what God wants me to accomplish and not my will. The year before that was the word “Fearless.” All my life I struggled with fear. Fear of rejection, failure, stepping out in faith and doing something new….. So I decided that I was going to live fearlessly in all I did, especially in my faith. That I wasn’t going to continue to sit on the sideline watching the world go by. I can’t say that I have come to live a completely fearless life, but I have made changes to be fearless in my faith.
This year I struggled to find a word for the year. It seems like my life has been falling apart and I having been running around worrying about fixing everything. I always find myself trying to fix things on my own and find myself being consumed with worry. Worry at times become crippling and steals the joy out of my life. This past week and a half I have been out of commission with my leg hurt and I have had to depend on the help of my children and family to get things done. I have had to let go of control and trust others with task that I couldn’t do myself. For those who know me it is hard for me to accept help. I am the type that would rather do for others.
Many words came to my mind that I thought I could use for my word for the year like Trust, Faith, Truth, Joy and Finish….. After thinking about it I came up with “NO.” What I mean by “NO” is No more excuses, No more fear, No more worry, No more procrastination……. just NO.
For years I have battled with so many things and have so many things left undone. I always come up with excuses and I hate to admit it but I am always putting things off. I am tired of living a life where I feel like I am in limbo and just waiting for things to get done. I am tired of worrying about the outcome and just waiting for things to fall into place. This year is a year for action and to get things done. “NO” more waiting and “NO” more just getting by.
As well as saying “NO” more to things that bring me down or hold me back “NO” stands for standing firm to what is true, what is good and what is righteous. This world is full of lies and compromise so along with saying “NO” to better myself I will say “NO” to what goes against my core beliefs and “NO” to compromise. I will have to stand firm even if it’s not popular and say “NO” to what others think of me. Life is too short to fill it full of worry.
I know in order to accomplish my long to do list I will have to say “NO” to my excuses, fear, worry and say “NO” to the what ifs, the unknown, and let go of the what could have been. With this I have to trust and have faith. I believe in by saying “NO” I will get the joy back in my life.
With all that said I choose the word “NO.”
Resolutions are temporary but a heart changed is permanent.
May God truly bless you this year.

January 1, 2015

January 1, 2015.  The first day of 2015 a new page to another chapter in my life.  As many I too have reflected on this past year.  2014 went by so fast.  Don’t get me wrong there were moments in 2014 that seemed like they would never end.  It was a year for new experiences, new friends and yes new trials.  This past year was a heavy one it came with many ups and a lot of downs.  2014 I struggled with finding myself and coming to terms with things of the past that I could and will never be able to change.  I faced many decisions where I had to really focus on what was really important.  I failed many times but managed to win a few rounds.  I did some things that I am not so proud of and yet made accomplishments that surprised myself.  Through trial and error I have come to know myself better and to come to know of a God that is just, yet so loving and patient.  My entire life I have lived in the shadows of who God wants me to be.  I have been so afraid to take chances and to give up control.  The silly thing is I never really had control any way.  I know that January 1, 2015 is just another day and a beginning of a new year.  Last night was a night to reflect and to celebrate but today is a new beginning, a new chance to make good, and a chance to let go. 

As everyone else in the house are still asleep and the house is silent.  All I can hear is the ticking of the clock in the background and the hum of the refrigerator.  It is amazing where your mind can go when it is silent and there are no distractions.  Though I am tired I feel encouraged.  I made it through another year and have another chance to make a difference.  Yesterday I was a bit down and my heart hurt for those who were hurting.  Also I was feeling inadequate and was questioning if I had made a difference in anyone’s life.  Today I am wondering how to move forward with this New Year.  I already know that there are some difficult decisions just around the corner and big changes to our family.  I do know one thing and that is as long as I have God in my life I will be able to face whatever may come my way.  Life isn’t easy and God never said it would be but with Him it is worth it.

My greatest desire besides having everyone come to know God as their personal Savior is to be able to be a light in the dark world and make a difference. God has been calling me to action and to complete some tasks and every year I make excuses and put them off.  My word for the year is “NO” which stands for NO more excuses and NO more fear.  This is a year for action and change. As I look to this New Year I am hopeful yet combobled of how to approach it and what plan of action do I take. Regardless action and change are necessary. 

“Dear God let me be able to focus on You and be able to say “NO” to the distractions of the world and the fear of the unknown that keeps me from moving forward. Please help me let go of the “what ifs” and the “what could have been” and just trust that You know what the future holds and that You hold it.  Please let me be light in this dark world and make a difference.  Thank you for allowing me to face another year and thank You for all You have given me and done for me.  Dear Father please be with those who are hurting and comfort them.  Dear God I pray that if there is anyone that does not trust in Your name and doesn’t know You that they will be able to.  Thank You again and for all the answered and unanswered prayers.”

There is Always Hope

This morning I made two strangers cry. The first person was at Starbucks where I was to meet up with my friend Amy and Tara. I went to get in line when a man walked up in front of me. He noticed that he cut in front of me and said sorry I didn’t mean to cut and motioned for me to move forward. I replied no that’s fine go ahead. He insisted so I did. I said thank you and asked him how he was. He said “so far today was good.” You could tell that his words did not match the expression on his face. I ended up saying, “well then I guess you’re off to a good start, but I believed that his day could only get better.” He laughed and then asked me if I was on my way to work? I said well, “I’m a Realtor and I am off to find new clients, but things have been hard.” I laughed and asked him if he wanted a card and he said yes.

For some reason Starbucks was extra busy this morning so things were taking a little longer than usual. So to fill time we continued to talk. He started sharing about his life and asked me if there was any hope for him to buy a house being that he had to file bankruptcy? I of course said yes that there is always hope and shared with him the time line and things to do to rebuild his credit. At this point he had tears in his eyes. He started to tell me that he had to file bankruptcy due to medical bills for his son. His son had to have an emergency surgery to save his life, but being that it was in an out of network hospital the cost were great. I told him that I thought he was a good father and said that I would pray for him. At this point he was definitely in tears. I told him how in times of trouble we may not be able to control our circumstances but we can control our outlook. I shared my heart and he started to smile. I joked saying see the day is already looking better. By this time our drinks were ready so we would part ways. He grabbed me and gave me a big hug, said thank you and walked away smiling. About that time one of my friends showed up. My friends and I talked for a while which was just what I needed. They always have a way of making me smile.

I had to run to FedEx to fax something and as I sat down to the computer to look up something this lady sat down at the computer next to me and asked me if I do Christmas cards and I said usually I do but haven’t this year. She looked really sad and worried. She started telling me that she had to postpone her surgery until January. I told her that I was sorry she was going to have to have surgery. I asked her if she didn’t mind if she could share what she had to have surgery for and she said to get a cancerous lump out of her breast. I told her that I was sorry and how scary of a time this must be for her but I believe that she is going to be ok. I asked her name and asked if I could add her to my prayer list. Without hesitation she said yes please do and I said done. She asked me what church I went to and what affiliation I was so I told her and she smiled. She then asked me to look at her Christmas card that she designed and asked me if it looked good, so I did. I told her it was prefect. I saw she had grandbabies so I shared with her that 6 months ago my daughter Shannon had my first grandchild, my grandson David. We talked about our families and we both smiled at the thought of them. Her eyes started to fill with tears and I told her to look at me and she did. I grabbed her hand and looked her right in the eyes and told her I know it is hard but don’t let worry get the best of her and that I knew that she would make it through this healthy!! I told her that it sounds like they caught it early and that I just knew everything was going to be ok. I shared with her my Breast Cancer scares and told her that she is not alone. I than took out my business card and handed it to her. I told her that I wasn’t trying to sell her anything but I wanted her to be able to have someone to talk to if she needed to. At this point she was really crying and reached in her purse and handed me her card as well. She asked me if my email was on my card so she could send me her Christmas card. I told her it was. At this point she was done with what she had to do and got up to leave. She took a couple steps away as she was wishing me well and turned back around came over grabbed me and gave me one of the biggest hugs I have ever had. She said thank you and I told to remember that she is not alone and that there is always hope.

Everyone in this world needs hope and someone to care. It doesn’t cost anything but time to listen to someone. If you ask me it is time well spent. It seems like everywhere I turn I run into people desperate for hope. People everywhere are feeling alone. Trust me I know life can get very busy and overwhelming. But what I am seeing is hope is contagious. All it takes is just a little faith and maybe for someone just to care and listen. If you are going through a difficult time right now I want you to know that there is hope and that everything will be ok. I want to encourage you to reach out to someone, give a listening ear and give them a gift of hope. As I said it doesn’t cost anything but maybe a smile.

I am so grateful that God is my reason to have hope because I know that He has promised me that He will never leave us or forsake us. Because of the love He has for us and for the cross we all can have hope. So my prayer is that if you don’t know God as your personal Savior then please seek Him and trust me He will meet you where you are. Your life doesn’t have to be prefect, you don’t have to have everything figured out, and guess what you are never far too gone for His love. He loves you for who you are and desires to have a relationship with you. He will be there for you no matter what and can turn our ashes into something so beautiful and all you have to do is put your trust in Him. With God nothing is impossible and He is and always will be our hope.