Uneasy

Day 3

Yesterday was a very long day.  The morning started off with broken tears and a lot of prayer.  My husband kept calling to talk things out.  He is a solver and wants to fix things.  Since there is nothing we can do to fix this situation he and I are on an emotional and mental roller coaster ride.  Emotions were all over the place.  I mainly prayed and was trying with all my might to give it to God.  Let me tell you, this is easier said than done.  I started a prayer chain and every once in a while I would hear my message notification sound go off and I would find that someone had prayed.  Those prayers one by one gave me strength.  I was watching my 2yr old grandson like I do every day and he was extra cuddly, so that helped, I had to hold it together for him.  We have three little dogs and each of them had to stay by my side making sure I was ok.  As I was checking the computer for the prayers being sent my way for our family and especially my son I got a message from J.J.  My heart leaped with Joy, but was nervous as to what it would said.  He started out with that he misses me and loves me.  I of course started to cry and continue to read.  As I read on I found what I believe the real reason for the message, this is what he wrote, “I am wondering if you can maybe go into my room and get my OBU laundry bag and my watch, that fit bit should've sent me and maybe you can meet me for lunch tomorrow and if you can bring that OBU bag and the fitbit I would appreciate it because I don`t know when I’ll be coming home.” Ouch, my heart was saddened again.  I then had a battle stew in my mind, should I take him his things, should I even go, or should I meet with him and don’t bring him anything except my love and a reminder that this is still his home and if he wants his things he would have to come home and get them himself.  As of this morning I am still unsure what I should do.  I will go and see him.  I love him too much not too.  He didn’t want me to tell anyone, but I couldn’t keep this a secret, his dad; my husband has the right to know.  Joe came home and I told him of our conversation and my poor husband was sent on yet another emotional ride of what to do.  He ended up saying, "Give him and hug from me and tell him that I love him and miss him." You see Joe is one that acts or speaks before he thinks and wears his emotions on his sleeves.  He comes across harsh, while all along hurting inside.  Yesterday after Joe had seen me cry for what seems like two days straight and after JJ had called me to say that he isn’t coming home, he called JJ back and told him, "Stop hurting your mother and that now it is between you and me."  J.J. took this as a threat and is using that as an excuse not to come home because he is claiming that my husband would hurt him.  This is not the case, he has never laid a hand on him and never will.  If anything Joe has been more lenient with J.J. than any of our other kids.  Taking a deep breath and praying as what I should do.  The biggest issue we have as the parents right now is that our son isn’t showing any remorse for the things he has done or for all the lies.  Joe says that if J.J. would show remorse then he would do anything physically possible to help him, and I would have to agree.  I can’t wait to see J.J. and to give him a big hug.  I love him so much and I miss him.  My heart hurts for him and I pray that he figures things out soon or he will miss out on starting the future he had planned with college and things.  "Oh God, please touch J.J.’s heart and open his eyes to the decisions he is making.  Let him know what’s at stake and be able to turn to You for guidance.  I know he is 18yrs old and he thinks he understands what the world has in store for him, but I pray that he will come back to You and home before the world eats him up.  Watch over him and protect him, but God I am still praying the hard prayers that You will do whatever it takes to bring him back to You.  May Your grace and mercy cover him and our home."

The Unknown First

Day 2:

My heart is very heavy this morning.  Last night was the first night that we didn’t know where our son was.  Every little sound filled my heart with hope that maybe it was our son JJ and that he had come home.  So many thoughts have crossed my mind and the what if, I should have, and self-doubt plague my soul.  Every time the phone rings my heart leaps and I pray that it is him, but when I see that it’s not another strip is ripped away from my heart.  I keep reminding myself that even if I have a glimmer of hope, it is still hope. I know that God knows where he is and is with him.  I have been having to pray some difficult prayers.  Prayers like, “That he find thrones everywhere he turns except for God, that he finds out quickly that the world is not for him, but God is, that his heart will not be at peace until he cries out to God.” This is the hardest prayer of the all, that God will do whatever it takes to bring JJ back to Him and home.  Yesterday when he called and told me that he wasn’t going to come home sheer worry came over my entire being.  He told me he would call me after he got off of work, so when it was time for him to call I held my phone waiting to hear his voice, but he never called. I finally went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I keep praying that God’s love and truth will shine through all the lies that he is believing.  It’s hard to describe how I feel.  My heart feels heavy like it is a big bag of fluid or I should I say full of the blood from my heart being ripped to pieces, and it physically hurts.  It has been rapidly beating and at times I can’t seem to take a breath.  I try not to let my thoughts run rapid.  My eyes are swollen and body is sore and tired.  The biggest struggle is not having my mind go wild in thought and I am trying not to worry.  This is extremely hard; I mean he is my only son, my heart.  Last night I found myself looking through pictures of him growing up. I kept asking myself where did I go wrong.  Thoughts like maybe this is happening because of my sins and where did I fail him. I started tearing myself apart.  I let him leave the house to go to his Aunt and uncle’s house to give him some space.  I knew deep down inside that this was him manipulating the situation so he could leave, but I let him go hoping he would be back the next day.  I wish he could see that the choices that he is making will only lead to destruction and he will be hurt.  I don’t know what to say or do.  I pray for wisdom and peace.  Everyone keeps telling me to give him to God.  How do you do that?  I feel that I have, but I still hurt for him, worry about him, and desperately miss him.  JJ please come home!! We love you!!  I love you more than life itself and would gladly give my life for yours not to be filled with pain.  Our hearts will always be connected.  Remember you once heard my heart beat from the inside and my heart sustained your life.

More Than a Tattered Heart

Day 1

My heart has been broken more times than I can count it seems and I have been through so many trials where I watched my heart completely shatter.  However there is a different and deeper pain that you feel when you watch someone you love hurt, especially when it is one of your children.  There you are watching your child’s life fall apart right before your eyes and there is nothing you can do.  They made their choice and you are left holding the pieces of your tattered heart.  I would gladly rip my heart out and give it to them so they won’t get hurt and would know just how much they are loved.  Last night as I watched my son make a decision that is so destructive I literally felt my heart break in two and then shatter.  I couldn’t catch my breath because the pain was too great and all I could do was sob in between my mournful cries.  In the midst of my heart breaking I see my husband trying to be strong and then watch him completely fold in half with gut wrenching cries as well.  My husband is a strong man and I have seen him cry before, but never like this.  As we watched our son walk out the door not knowing if this would be the last time we would ever see him, we were both crushed and destroyed.  This morning as I sit here my heart is barely beating, but as of last night it will never beat the same.  Earlier I went to his empty bedroom laid on his bed hugged his pillow and cried out to God.  I wept and pleaded for God to save him from this fate that he chose.  As our son sat on the coach last night and told us of his decision I saw that behind all the words he spoke was a broken soul, lonely and afraid.  Oh how I wanted to go and take him in my arms and take all his pain away.  Emotions were high as he told us that he was going to choose this path and that he was willing to let go of his family if that was what he had to do. As I am typing this it is hard to see.  I cannot stop crying.  How do stop a bleeding heart anyway.  My eyes are so swollen with grief.  I will never stop pleading for my son.  Even though it is hard to find the words to pray I know God hears my broken heart crying out in his behalf.  So many unknowns, to start I don’t know where is, if he is safe or if I will see him again.  Oh God, please watch over him and bring him back to You.  I need to trust You, so please give me the strength so I can do so.  All I can say is help, please dear God help!!   

Telling my Heart to Beat Again

Lately my heart has been a little sad and life has been overwhelming at times.  There have been many changes and disappointments, and to be honest it has felt like I have been being beaten to a bloody pulp.  Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I have been trying to gather all the broken pieces of my heart and glue them back together with temporary fixes.  Of course none of these temporary fixes hold and things fall apart again, but this time those pieces are covered with more build up making those pieces more difficult to put together.  I am trying to get rid of the excess by forgiving those who have hurt me, make amends with those I have hurt, and to forgive myself.  Honestly, I tend to secretly hold onto things and it is difficult for me to let go.  I also tend to bottle things up allowing my heart to harden a bit and I try to shut it off so the pains I feel in my heart doesn’t hurt as much.  The problem is after doing this for a while I feel like I am just a shell without a heartbeat.  There is this song played on many Christian music stations sung by Danny, Gokey. “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again.” 

The lyrics are:

You're shattered

Like you've never been before

The life you knew

In a thousand pieces on the floor

And words fall short in times like these

When this world drives you to your knees

You think you're never gonna get back

To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning

Just let that word wash over you

It's alright now

Love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one

Leave the darkness, feel the sun

Cause your story's far from over

And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak

And every scar

Be a picture that reminds you

Who has carried you this far

'Cause love sees farther than you ever could

In this moment heaven's working

Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again

Close your eyes and breathe it in

Let the shadows fall away

Step into the light of grace

Yesterday's a closing door

You don't live there anymore

Say goodbye to where you've been

And tell your heart to beat again

Your heart to beat again

Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

Every time I hear it played it is like a defibrillator jump starting my heart.  I have had to be resuscitated before and it hurts, but you have to choose to keep living.  This morning when I was getting the kids ready for school and myself ready for the day I was feeling down and had a lot of doubts going through my mind.  I was feeling defeated.  When I looked down I saw a beaded necklace laying on the floor in the shape of a heart just coming out of the shadows in the morning light.

God is good.  He and I have a love language of our own.  I love hearts and it seems like when I am down and need some encouragement, strength, a hug, smile…… God knows exactly what I need at the time and sends me a heart.  This morning the heart came in the form of a broken beaded necklace coming out of the shadows.  I know that it sounds silly, but every time I find a heart I am reminded of God’s love for me.  To think that He knows the prefect time to send a little hug that warms my heart.

When I got in the car to take my two youngest to school the first song on the radio was, Tell Your Heart to Beat again.  Ok God, I get it, I need to start living again and allow my heart to beat again, to feel and to love freely.  I need to let go of all the things steeling the beats of my heart and start filling my heart with those things that allow my heart to beat freely.  I need to let go of the pain, the resentment, the fear, the doubt, anger, worries…..the list goes on and on.  I need to forgive not only those who hurt me but myself.  I need to turn away from those things that steal my life and joy.  I need to stand up for what is right and gives life.  Most of all I need to give my heart to God with all the broken and tattered pieces, along with all the excess build up from me trying to fix it myself.  God is the great physician however, we have to let Him have our heart so he can heal it and we have to choose to tell our hearts to be again.

“Thank you God, for never giving up on me, for always reminding me that You love me, and always giving me what I need to make it through whatever life throws my way.  Thank you for taking all the broken pieces of my heart and life and for putting them back together.  I love you with my all and thank you for every single beat of my heart.”

Coffee Blessing

 

     This morning my son JJ texted me and asked if I would pick up Starbucks on my way home since he didn’t have school today, so I did.  As I pulled up to the window to pay a beautiful young lady with the biggest smile on her and she said that the person ahead of me paid for me.  I of course was pleasantly surprised.  I decided to pay it forward as well and pay for the people behind me.  I drove away and a wave of emotions hit me.  It was like an emotional release.  Everything that I have been keeping bottled up inside all came to the surface and I started to cry.  It wasn’t little tears, but a full out sob.  Life has hit me hard lately and I have been trying to be the strong one trying to fix everything by myself.  So many changes going on in my life, health issues, my parents, my children, work, financial hardship, our van seems to be on its last leg (wheel), our house and the sewer backup, disappointments……. You name it, all came pouring out.  God knew exactly what I needed and gave it to me through a kind person paying for my Starbucks this morning.  The thought that came to my mind was, “Someone noticed me and someone cared.”  I am usually the one trying to notice others, but someone noticed me and did a simple and kind gesture that made a world of difference.  At that moment I felt like I mattered.  God once again reminded me that He hears, He sees, He listens, He knows, He cares, and most of all He loves.  Whoever this person is that paid for my coffee this morning, thank you.

“Thank you God for once again showing me that I matter and that you love me.  My burdens are heavy, but Yours is light.  Please forgive me for not trusting You enough to let You have all my burdens and for me trying to handle everything by myself.  You have always provided and always will.  Dear God, I can’t tell you how much I love and appreciate all that you do for me and my family.  Right now I am in the midst of the trials and I may not see an end, but You do.  You see the big picture and as You had me tell a friend, there is blessings in the darkness; we just may not see them.”

Hello 2016

Hello 2016

     Yesterday, I ran to the store to get a few things and there were so many people doing the same thing. As I was checking out I was lucky to get one of my favorite checkers. She has gone through so much, but always has a smile on her face and never a negative thing to say. In line we started talking about the year we had and how quickly it seemed to go by. A couple months prior I had bought a gift card to give to her. For my anniversary someone gave me a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory and I enjoyed it, so I thought I would pay it forward to someone else. I didn’t know that she had just lost someone very close to her and they were going to go to his funeral later and afterwards they were planning to go out for some dessert. I handed her the gift card and she was very thankful. I didn’t realize it until after she walked away and my daughter Sarah said, “Mom that’s funny, we gave her a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory and she was buying cheesecake,”
    
     Anyway, back to standing in line talking to her. She shared how she had lost both her dad and her Uncle to various causes, and lost three teenagers in the family due to suicide. She said that you have to love yourself and I said that I was so sorry for such loss. I also said that suicide just gives your pain to someone else and she just kept saying, so true. This broke my heart and I told her that I would pray for healing for her family. We talked a bit more as she finished checking my groceries, but she had a line of people to check out, so we said our goodbyes.


     Today is the first year of 2016 and a chance to start new. True, but in some ways this isn’t the case. Though the circumstances we may not have any control of; however, we can control our outlook. Every year I find a word that I want to represent what I want to do or change in the coming year instead of a New Year’s Resolution. I have not found my word yet, but have several that I have been throwing around. I want my word to represent change, action, and my attitude. I also want the word to represent solid results and no more sitting on the sidelines just hoping for things to be accomplished. Most of all I want to be a testimony of God’s love to others. I want to be the change. Maybe, my word should be change?


     This coming year will be full of change with all my children growing up. My son J.J. will be going off to college and yet again the dynamics of our home will be effected. I have been working on so many goals that I need to accomplish, so in many aspects I need things to change. I have some of my own actions I need to work on, so again I need change. I see many hurting and in need of change, so why couldn’t I be the change they are looking for? I’m not saying I can change their situation, but I can be a light of compassion to them. I want to make a difference in this world; I want to be a positive change in this not so caring world. If anything I want to be the light of Christ. Which brings me to another thing I need to change, and that is the time I spend with my Lord and Savior. He is the only one who can give me all I need to face this coming year and get over some things from this past year, and beyond.
     
     So, here I am the first day of the New Yew and I am going to step out in faith and say that if you don’t know God as your personal Savior than my prayer for you is that you will seek Him. He said that if you seek Him you shall find Him. He is my source of all hope and can be yours too.
I want to take the time to thank all of you who have in anyway shown me kindness, have prayed for me, and have challenged me. I pray that this New Year will be one of healing, success, and blessing to you all. I also want to say that if I have offended anyone or failed you in any way, I am sorry. If there is anything I can pray for you for this year, please let me know and I will add you to my prayers. May God bless you and keep you close always.

Love, Trish Iiams

Along Life's Road

 

Along life’s road there will be joy and tears.  Laughter and fear.  Along life’s road storms will come and go.  There will highs and lows.  Along life’s road I will find roses and thorns and when life seems to be so bleak He will be the one I seek.  Along life’s road I will walk many miles up steep mountains and through quite meadows so sweet.  I will cross hot desert sands and face oceans so deep and wide.  The best part is God sees me no matter where I try to hide.  The journey is long and at times the valleys seem to never end.  I will fall along the way and get hurt but it is God’s love that mends.  Along life’s road I will come to cliffs so treacherous and rivers flowing so swift that I wonder how will I ever make it to the other side.  Then God reminds me that He is my guide.  The cold winds will blow and the hot sun will beat me down.  There will be vast forest where the haunting silence is the only sound that can be found.  No matter where I go I will never have to walk alone because of the love God has shown.  It is a comfort to know that when life’s road becomes dreary I know that my God is always near me.  All I need to do is have a little faith and trust that God will give me the strength it takes.  God knows my heart and the journey I am about to embark.  God is the one who gives me a new start.  Jesus is right beside me every step I take.  Along Life’s road there will be times I feel as if I will break.  But no matter what it takes God will make a way and He is there to stay.  The nights may be long but the morning will come even if things look so glum.  I may be far from home and feel lost and alone but I will look to God’s love to find my way.  I will never forget God’s love is here to stay.  He will be found on every road, every path, and with me every step I take.  I will remember God never makes mistakes.  Along life’s road there will be lessons to learn, even when the hot winds burns as the winding roads turn.  God is there showing me the way through the cold dark nights and through the bright blinding sun of the day.  Again, I will never forget that no matter where I go I will never walk alone.  He is found on every trail and in every star that shines even if it’s faint.  He is in the thunder and lightning that lights up the landscapes He paints.  Jesus knows my joys, sees every struggle, and catches every tear that falls.  He knows my heartaches, my dreams, and is there when I call.  He is there to give me strength and to walk with me the lengths.  He will walk with me the distance even though my heart will fail.  He never grows weary and times He will have to carry me along trail. He has promised to never leave me or forsake me and He will make my pathway clear. He will lead me and guide me and I will no longer have a reason to fear.  No matter where I find myself along life’s road He is there.  He hears, He sees, He knows, He answers, and He cares.

 

Trish Iiams 2/3/2015